I’ve always been a fan of the NFL Draft. Maybe it’s because I’m a huge college and NFL fan, maybe it’s because I enjoy the human drama and emotional swings that unexpected rises or drops down the board bring and the fulfillment of dreams and years of hard work. Maybe it’s the allure of hope springing eternal…that my team could be just one shrewd trade or selection from turning their unwatchable turd fire of a franchise into a winner. I mean, they won’t…not my team. They will shovel more turds and accelerant into the stinking, raging blaze and fan the noxious poop and smoke fumes in my direction with a big grin on their face, safe in the knowledge that I’ll keep watching and hoping because I’m a chump and an addict who can’t and won’t pry himself away no matter how proudly and brazenly God-awful they are. At least I’m not bitter. Anyway, I’m not an expert talent evaluator, I don’t have inside knowledge or connections to help me discern what is BS blather designed to intentionally muddy the waters for strategic purposes and what the true feelings about players are for the league’s 32 franchises. What I do possess is a love of the sport and process, a blog, a low-grade bottle of hooch, some free-time and a draft magazine. That makes me AT LEAST AS qualified as most people who do this, so let’s get on it people…my third annual NFL mock draft.
Cleveland Browns- DE Myles Garrett, Texas A&M Someone to rush the passer is a definite need for Cleveland…as are offensive lineman, tight end, running back, quarterback, linebacker, safety, shaman, competent management, an owner who doesn’t look like a paid endorsee of a reverse mortgage company etc. The upside of being an eternal flame of suckitude is that you don’t have to zero in on one position and reach to fill it, you can just take whoever and it’s probably an upgrade over what you have. Garrett is an athletic, 6’4, 272-pounder who walks in the door as the top pass-rusher on the team…which is frankly not saying much when those competing for that title currently include Joe Schobert and Jamie Meder, but you’ve got to start somewhere. San Francisco 49ers- DL Solomon Thomas, Stanford If you’re like me and are somewhat lacking in the area of memory, you may have forgotten the “when all your players are woefully untalented, just pick someone who isn’t, doesn’t matter what position they play” lesson. Hard to expect that to be fresh on your mind, since it was three or four sentences ago and we’ve both changed so much as people since then. Just trust that I said it and that the 9ers are a shish kabob of rancid meat and stool samples on every front. When you finish next to last in total offense, dead last in total defense and dead last in rush defense, it’s hard to pick one particular area of need. So, a strong, versatile 6’3, 272-pound defensive lineman praised for his motor and work ethic sounds like it’ll work, especially with the team moving to a 4-3. I’ve seen some people label Thomas a tweener, since he may not be as long and athletic as most ends and isn’t quite big enough to play inside. What SF has on defense right now is guys who are tween “non-productive place-holders” and “limbless marmot” on the talent meter, so Thomas will be fine. Also, smaller D linemen have had some success in the league lately (Aaron Donald, Grady Jarrett) which I think helps Thomas. The 9ers have drafted D linemen high the past few years and Shanahan might knock back a few cold ones and see some Cousins or Matt Ryan in Trubisky, so this pick may change in JENKINS MOCK VERSION 1984!!!! Chicago Bears- CB Marshon Lattimore, Ohio State I almost had the Bears taking a wide receiver here, since Alshon Jeffery is gone, leaving the Bears with a collection of unproven youngsters (Kevin White), MEH retreads (Eddie Royal) and people I heretofore did not know existed (Daniel Braverman) at WR. Three feels early for a receiver, though, and you don’t want to get antsy and make a poor decision. Poor decisions and antsiness turn an “ain’t no way” at 9:30 into a “aw, might as well” by midnight and you sit in the shower the next morning with a bottle of Stoli and a Brillo pad trying to blur the memories and wash away the stench of regret. What was I talking about now? Oh, currently the Bears depth chart lists Tracy Porter (getting old) and Kyle Fuller (hurt) at cornerback, which seems problematic when you have to play Aaron Rodgers and Matt Stafford twice a year. Lattimore is the best of a good crop of defensive backs and as long as his hamstrings are straight now he should be a top-flight starter from the get-go. Jacksonville Jaguars- RB Leonard Fournette, LSU Having spent a pantload of free agency cash and draft picks the last few years fortifying the defense, the Jags can now turn their attention to getting QB Blake Bortles some help on the other side. Jacksonville, from what I’ve read, wants to give him all the tools to succeed so there are no excuses if he continues to struggle. At times, watching Fournette play against SEC defenses was like watching a much older brother with anger issues playing with his younger siblings, stiff-arming his near infant sister at the goal-line and taunting his third-grade brother with “my daddy can’t be your daddy cuz you got little baby hands,” after a costly third-down drop. It’s equal parts blunt force trauma and stupid Roadrunner cartoon speed. He never contributed a whole lot in the passing game at LSU and doesn’t seem as fluid running routes as McCaffrey or Cook, but when it comes to a power/speed combination, productivity (6.5 a carry the last two years) and an “I am real tired of tackling this dude” quality, Fournette’s your guy. They’ll hope he does for them what Zeke Elliot did for the Cowboys last year. Tennessee Titans- S Malik Hooker, Ohio State Paying big money to a Hooker is pretty common in the NFL. WAKA WAKA!!!! See what I did there? This was a tough call as one of the top WRs or maybe even O.J. Howard would make sense here as the Titans are sort of bereft of quality pass-catchers. Fortunately, though, they have another first-round pick and can address that need a little later. The Titans have actually drafted very well recently and have a lot of pieces to work with…marking the first time “The Titans” and “pieces” have appeared in the same sentence without “have not nam” or “of doo doo” in a long time. Bookend tackles, a stacked backfield, a franchise QB and a few players up front defensively are now on hand. They did sign a couple of free agents in the secondary, but Hooker would add an explosive, ball-hawking element they currently lack. He’s a little raw and lacking in experience after really only one year starting for the Buckeyes, but he picked off seven passes and has a nose for the ball you can’t teach. He could end up being the best defensive player in the draft and Hooker falls right into Tennessee’s lap HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! New York Jets- QB Mitchy Mitch Mitchell Trubisky, North Carolina The Jets are going to do this because OF COURSE THEY ARE, THEY’RE THE JETS! I’ve read some reports that they really like him and they do clearly need a quarterback. I mean, they’ve drafted one in three of the past four years but plan on starting recently-signed Josh McCown this season, which says to me “we hate all the QBs we’ve drafted.” McCown is obviously not the long-term answer, unless the question is “who is a person named Josh that plays quarterback?” He’s an ideal back-up…or a one-year bridge option while a youngster sits, watches him get his brains beat in behind a bad offensive line and learns. I think, unwisely, that young QB will be Trubisky. First the good…he’s accurate (68 percent completion percentage), he doesn’t make plays that kill you (only six picks and three fumbles), he’s productive (almost 3,800 yards passing and 30 touchdowns), and his measurables are all in the fair to good range. For me, though, there are some major negatives. One-year wonder quarterbacks scare me to death and rarely pan out. He has started 13 games, five of which he lost. One well-known analysts said Trubisky had the best tape of any QB in his class. Is there some Kardashian-type tape on the intraweb I’m not familiar with? Again he has 13 college starts and four of them were plain old bad. He averaged not quite four yards per attempt against Georgia, he was 13-of-33 for 58 yards against Virginia Tech, he had two bad picks in a loss to Duke and had two picks and looked overwhelmed in a bowl game against Stanford. I’m not saying he won’t pan out and end up being good but the risk/reward is too high to do this here and now. The Jets have other pressing needs they could address here or they could take a QB prospect I consider to be better than Trubisky, but they won’t…because they’re the Jets. Los Angeles Chargers- WR Mike Williams, Clemson The conventional wisdom has the Chargers addressing their tire fire of a secondary here, or fortifying their paper mache offensive line. I look at it this way, though, Phillip Rivers is a great quarterback, but he’s also an old person who will probably retire soon to spend more time with his wife and 20 children. To maximize his last couple of years, the Chargers need to put some weapons around him. Travis Benjamin is pretty good, Dontrelle Inman had a nice year in 2016, but Keenan Allen has been riddled with injuries and Antonio Gates should be whittling on a front porch somewhere, or maybe playing checkers in front of an old country store, telling his friend Clem that his shoulder hurts, so must be a bad storm a comin’. He’s old is my point. Williams is a big, long-armed, freakishly talented receiver who catches everything near him, including contested balls in the air. There were some who wondered about his speed, but he threw down a 4.5 at Clemson’s Pro Day, which should put that to rest. They may go another direction, since they do have a lot of needs, but arming Rivers with a huge target and red zone threat needs to be a serious consideration. Carolina Panthers- DE Derek Barnett, Tennessee Really tempted to send Dalvin Cook here with the Panthers backfield rapidly approaching the point that it will bring a bag of sticks and a real sharp knife to Antonio Gates’ house. However, this is a deep running back draft and Dave Gettleman don’t a’cotton to using high picks on much of anything other than large people who line up near the ball. He’s taken at least one defensive lineman in the first two rounds of every draft since coming to Charlotte. The team is well stocked inside, but after sending Kony Ealy packin…er, trading him to New England in a mutually beneficial transaction, their current situation at defensive end involves senior bingo partners Charles Johnson and Julius Peppers. Youth and speed are BADLY needed at defensive end, which is where Barnett comes in. He’s a tad light in the bucket at 259, but had 12 sacks and 18 tackles for loss last season for the Vols. He has extremely quick, strong hands…or that’s what it says in this magazine, so we’ll go with it. It’s hard to overlook that kind of talent and production in an area that’s a glaring need. Cincinnati Bengals- OT Cam Robinson, Alabama Last year, the Bengals were hot garbage in a taco shell. If they want to regain their stature as a team that makes the playoffs every year and craps their pants in the first round, they have a lot of holes to plug. A pass rusher and complimentary receiver are on the list, but since they lost two starting offensive linemen, a fat person who blocks other people seems to be the top priority. At 6’6, 322, Robinson seems to fill the bill. This is a case of a dire need meeting, um, the thing that is needed in a dire way…or something like that. Buffalo Bills- CB Marlon Humphrey, Alabama The Bills need receiver and tight end help in the worst way, but in free agency they lost their best cornerback, Stephon Gilmore. It’s kind of a double burn that they lost him to a division foe…that being the flat-balled, soulless, practice-taping devil robot genius in Foxboro. Humphrey is a similar player to Gilmore in that he’s a physical corner with good size. He should step in seamlessly and excel, meaning he’ll probably go to New England when his rookie contract runs out. New Orleans Saints- De Taco Charlton, Michigan If only the Saints could sign Duke IheNACHO and Scott FUJITA to pair with Taco…maybe the Saints could work out a sponsorship deal with Chipotle. The Saints defense was a SHELL of its former self (I’ll stop now, I promise) last year and in a division with Cam Newton, Jameis Winston and Matt Ryan, a lack of pass rush just turns you into a piñata (I lied, sorry, not sorry). Charlton goes 6’6, 272, had 9.5 sacks last year and would probably start for a team currently counting on the talents of Obum Gwachum at defensive end. Cleveland Brown- TE O.J. Howard, Alabama If I could harken back to my previous pick, it is pretty cool being named after a food. If I had to be named for a popular dish, I’d like to think my mom would’ve named me Hamsteak Jenkins. Awesome name. Anyway, the Browns should draft Deshaun Watson here, but they’re the Browns, and they’re dumb, so they won’t. They seem to really like Cody Kessler and hey, hope that works out for you Hue. This isn’t a dumb pick, though. Howard would give Kessler an excellent target/security blanket. Physically, Howard is a beast. He’s like a Bison with catcher’s mitt sized hooves, which sounds like a nice compliment to and eventual replacement for aging Gary Barnidge. Arizona Cardinals- QB Deshaun Watson, Clemson To have been very good recently and have a lot of top end talent at some positions, the Cardinals have a lot of needs. O-line, receiver, linebacker…but what they need above all else is a QB in waiting with Carson Palmer falling off quickly and not committing to play past this year. I’ll freely admit my bias here, being a Clemson fan and all, but I legitimately think he’s the best QB on the board. I’m befuddled by “experts” who see Trubisky, Kizer or Mahomes as better prospects. I guess if you lock in on stuff like “overstriding on drive throws” instead of “is a great football player who wins games” maybe you miss the forest for the trees…or the good quarterback for a bunch of other crappy quarterbacks crowded around him, or whatever. He hit 67 percent of his passes every year, he rarely dropped a total stinker, he accounted for 12,000 yards of offense and 126 touchdowns in three years, he’s big enough and is a great all-around athlete. He plays his best when the stakes are the biggest, is one of the best I’ve ever watched on third down and is 32-3 as a starter…with one loss coming in the national title game when he eviscerated a great Alabama defense and one coming when he took 12 snaps before getting hurt as a freshman. More than all that, he lifted a program that, while rarely bad, usually falls between “Meh” and “very good” to the national title game twice with one win. He’s a winner. Yes he needs to cut back on the interceptions, but let him sit and learn for a year, then I think you’re set at the position for a while. Philadelphia Eagles- CB Gareon Conley, Ohio State The Eagles have a critical need for a cornerback, Conley is a big corner with 4.4 speed. It’s a perfect match. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, pulled pork and mustard sauce, hobos and cans of beans, heavy drinking and automatic weapons…well, maybe not that last one. Indianapolis Colts- S Jamal Adams, LSU Honestly, the Colts roster is a train wreck. Aside from quarterback and kicker, they can take pretty much anyone at any position and it’s an upgrade. They are needy…so, they tolerate your late-night carousing and drinking and you talking about how big their butt looks in those new blue jeans. They turn a blind eye to what you’ve got going on with that lady down the street…you’re just a a jerk and it’s gonna come back on you one day. Anyway, they’d be really lucky for a guy this good to fall to them at 15 (which he most probably won’t but I don’t feel like going back and changing my picks at this point). Baltimore Ravens- WR Corey Davis, Western Michigan Baltimore has whiffed on a couple of WR picks recently and Steve Smith finally hung them up, so a viable target for Joe Flacco has to be acquired. This guy is big (6’3), has stupid video game numbers (over 5,000 receiving yards and 52 touchdown catches in four years) and is a superb route runner. Now, he didn’t run at the combine or his pro day because of surgery, so maybe he’s trying to hide something. Maybe he knows he is going to post a bad time, or was attacked by a bear that ate one of his legs. I don’t think it matters. This is a good pick. Washington Redskins- DL Jonathan Allen, Alabama As a Redskins fan, just let me say I’m thrilled with the direction of the team. Other than running off the only competent executive in the building, burning a quarter of our salary cap on two players, alienating the closest thing we’ve had to a franchise quarterback in 25 years, having no depth, making questionable free agent signings and having a revolving door on the defensive coaching staff, things are going great. The reality of being a Redskins fan for quite a while has been that we are swimming in a nasty public pool full of pee, where the bottom of the deep end is soul-sucking ineptitude and the highest point on the high-dive is maddening mediocrity. This pick won’t happen because it makes far too much sense. Allen had 16 tackles for loss, 10.5 sacks and a pick he returned 75 yards for a touchdown. He’s an athletic penetrator with a high motor that is apparently slipping down draft boards a bit because of worry about the health of his shoulders. Our defense wasn’t so much a turnstile against the run last year as much as it was a well-lubricated turnstile easily accessible by both children and the elderly. That was mainly because we had nothing up front. Zip. We went out signed and Terrell McClain and Stacy McGee in free agency, but they don’t say “impenetrable rock wall” as much as they say “WHO?” to me. Allen would be a perfect part of the rotation, probably settling in at end if we stay in a 3-4…so we won’t pick him. We’ll take a RB we don’t need, or Jabril Peppers to play safety even though he isn’t actually one, or a punter, or we’ll trade this pick away for a box of jock straps and a duffle bag full of dryer lint. Tennessee Titans- WR John Ross, Washington I know it was a long time ago, since I tend to ramble on, but I said the Titans would pass on a WR with their first pick and address the position with this one. WELP! It works out perfectly. Aside from young Tajae Sharpe, the Titans have big fat nothing that scares you in the passing game. For Mariota to continue his ascendance, he needs weapons and Ross is the guy. He’s not very big at 5’11 and 190ish, but man has he got speed. I mean, so do folks that hang out at truck stops…candy bars and Co-Cola only keep a man awake so long and somebody has to get this Kenworth full of logs to Hahira by daybreak good buddy. Anyway, he set a combine record with a 4.22 40. He misses a few catchable balls now and then, but was productive and if nothing else, he makes D coordinators drop their mud and stretches the field on day one. He will eventually do even more. Tampa Bay Buccaneers, RB Dalvin Cook, Florida State Safety is probably a bigger need here, but with the top-tier guys gone, Tampa Bay grabs a vial full of “holy crap” to juice up the offense. Cook is a phenomenal player, having rushed for 4,464 yards and scored 48 total touchdowns in three years at Florida State. He’s a complete back who will also be a big part of the passing game. Doug Martin recently got an extension, but he’s getting up in years for a running back and is suspended for the first three games of the year, so this makes sense. Reuniting Cook and former Seminole quarterback Jameis Winston could produce a scary offense. Or given the background of both, it could turn into a BB-gun wielding crab leg crime wave unseen in the State of Florida’s history. Denver Broncos- OT Ryan Ramczyk, Wisconsin I don’t know whether Trevor Siemian or Paxton Lynch will be the starting QB for Denver this year, but I do know that allowing either of them to be savagely violated on every snap will not be conducive to a productive offense. From what I’ve read, he’s a smart, athletic technician who is very fundamentally sound and goes 6’6, 310. That’ll do fine here. Detroit Lions- DE Takkarist McKinley, UCLA I don’t know that LB isn’t a bigger area of need here, but the Lions pass-rush last year was a hoagie roll full of derp and diaper leavings. Yeah, no clue what that means, but it would be funny to order one of those at Subway just to see what they say. “What kind of bread? Foot-long?” McKinley is one of those very athletic but kind of wiry edge guys. He’s only toting around about 250 right now, but he ran under a 4.6, had 10 sacks and is fairly relentless coming off the edge. He’d be a good addition to a unit that had only 26 sacks last year. Miami Dolphins- LB Reuben Foster, Alabama The Dolphins took some major strides last year and made the playoffs. However, the ultimate goal is to overtake the Hoodie Demon Cyborg , who has been stealing the Dolphins’ fish and sticking carrots in their blowhole for a while. I mean, they aren’t going to and Foster probably won’t be available here anyway, but let’s just pretend, OK? He’s a big hitter, plays with a major attitude (and goes into hospitals with one too, apparently) and is great in coverage, all of which Miami’s D needs. NOTE: I just read the 9ers are visiting with him, so there’s no chance he lasts this long unless he’s caught wandering pantsless in a stockyard or something. Again, not going back and changing anything...you'll have to wait for JENKINS MOCK VERSION 411!!!! New York Giants- OL Garett Bolles, Utah I’ve already mentioned that there are tactical drawbacks to having your QB violently curb-stomped multiple times a game. When said QB is old and immobile, it’s even worse. Bolles only played one year of FBS football, needs to get stronger and has a troubled history, though he seems to turned his life around now. I read where one scout called him the most athletic lineman he’s ever seen and says he has a really nasty streak. Those sounds like positive attributes in a tackle. Oakland/Las Vegas Raiders- DT Caleb Brantley, Florida I’m trying to imagine how it would have gone in the old days to have the Raiders in the epicenter of gambling, cheap booze and women who…um, are employed by people in purple suits and shnazzy hats, no need to be anymore graphic than that. There’s pretty much debauchery on-demand everywhere now so I don’t see it as a big deal. Anywho, the middle of the Raiders defense is basically a grab bag of bullcrap right now. Brantley has real tackle size (6’3, 307), has good anticipation and is strong enough to hold his ground against even the biggest tackles. Not a huge sacks guy, but he gives the Raiders what they need…some muscle up the gut. Houston Texans- LB Zach Cunningham, Vanderbilt Bill O’Brien recently said his team is happy with where it is at QB right now…then he whispered off mic “in my butt” and made a poot sound with his armpit. The thing is, when you are loaded for bear at most every other position and capable of making a run, I just don’t see rolling a rookie out there as your starter under center. So, they’ll thank Cleveland for bailing them out of the Brock Osweiler error (era, I’m sure I meant era) and find a starter elsewhere. In the meantime, they’ll use this draft pick to address one of their only areas of need, that being LB. Cunningham is playmaking machine, led the SEC in tackles, has excellent quickness and will make a very good defense even better. Seattle Seahawks- CB Kevin King, Washington Really, protecting Russell Wilson should be the number objective…both from opposing defenses and beefs with rappers. The top tackles are gone and cornerback has to be addressed too as free agency has riddled the once formidable Seattle secondary. King is huge by cornerback standards at 6’3, 200, which is right up this team’s alley. He’s not the most physical guy, but he fits their prototype at a spot that needs filling. Kansas City Chiefs- RB Christian McCaffrey, Stanford The Chiefs probably need help at linebacker and corner more, but I figure McCaffrey fits Andy Reid’s offense like a glove…which is to say he can catch a three-yard pass. The bloodlines are obviously great and McCaffrey BLEW IT UP at the combine. He was incredibly productive, he’s a great kick returner and is excellent in the passing game. Not big enough to be a between-the-tackles thumper, but that’s not what KC really does anyway. Aside from the whole “diddy’s fixin’ to get paid, see y’all later” bit he pulled before Stanford’s bowl game, there aren’t many areas to knock him in. I’d expect him to contribute from the get-go. Dallas Cowboys- DE Haason Reddick, Temple My mock draft is already way long and I’m running out of steam here. They need a pass rusher, he’s good at rushing the passer, blah blah draft him. Green Bay Packers- CB Tre’Davious White, LSU I’m basically picking crap out of a hat at this point. The Packers are pretty well stocked at most positions. They need a running back but can grab one later, so I say corner is the call here. He’s got good change of direction, nice cover skills and is an OK tackler despite not being that big. Generally speaking, if you’re looking for boudin balls, people named “Breaux” or defensive backs, Louisiana is a pretty good place to look. Pittsburgh Steelers- DE Charles Harris, Missouri He’s listed as a defensive end, but I’ve seen his weight listed as both 238 and 252. Either way, he ain’t a 3-4 end, but he could be an outside linebacker. Pittsburgh has to come out of the draft with a WR, but can snap one up in round two. Pass rusher is number one on the wish list, though, so Harris makes sense. He had 18.5 tackles for loss and is excellent in space. Not a monster against the run even kinda, but for the time being, they’ll be happy with someone who puts heat on opposing QBs. In a division that currently features Cody Kessler/Brock Osweiler, Andy Dalton and Joe Flacco, drafting pass-rushers seems kinda like killing a gnat with an uzi, but whatever. Atlanta Falcons- OG Forrest Lamp, Western Kentucky The Falcons defense probably still walks funny and has an octave higher voice after the savage rootin’ the Pats laid on them in the second half of the Super Bowl. The impulse is to address that D, but I see a bigger need on the O line. He’s not quite as big as most NFL guards at 310, but he’s smart, strong, has good hands and rarely gets run over. He’ll help protect Ryan and keep the running game clicking. New Orleans Saints- CB Fabian Moreau, UCLA Moreau is extremely fast and has the body to be a physical corner, though he doesn’t always play that way. With some technique work he could be a top-flight guy. This is another attempt by New Orleans to stomp out the burning dookie bag that is their defense. After 32 picks “burning dookie bag” is the best line I’ve got, Hoss. Stay tuned for updates to this list if there are trades and for an abbreviated, short-attention span version in a few days.
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TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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