Barbecue was created, largely, out of necessity. Poor folks had to make use of every part of an animal when they slaughtered it, or could only afford really cheap, super tough, extra fatty cuts of meat at the store. They learned that long, slow cooks made big slabs of crap not only edible, but delicious. It was bare bones stuff...they didn't have much more than a fire, salt and pepper, hydrolyzed vegetable protein and computerized cooking rigs with push button temperature controls. Like I said, they were really poor and Lord help them, couldn't afford any better.
The first semi-final round of "BBQ Pitmasters" was a battle of old school vs. new school, of stick-burning, simple seasoning principles against fancified additives and space age cooking machines...good vs. evil, DOGS AND CATS SLEEPING TOGETHER...MASS HYSTERIA. The three competitors in this edition of Pitmasters had all claimed victory in round one, including Dave Bouska of Butcher's BBQ in Oklahoma. He's a butcher by trade and has embraced newfangledy ways of cooking Q. Bouska also looks remarkably like Milton Waddams from "Office Space." Seriously, from the glasses and mustache to the constant desire to set things ablaze, they're twins. Tim Grant, from kansas, was contestant number two and rounding out the threesome was FRIGGIN' JAMBO! Jamie Geer, a pit-builder (Jambo Pits) of great renown from Texas. The episode demonstrated the somehwat incestuous nature of competition BBQ, since Tim was cooking on a Jambo-built pit and using Dave's line of injections. Dave said if he had to lose, he'd at least be glad someone had to use his products to beat him. Jamie didn't want to lose to someone using one of his own pits, but didn't think that would happen. "I'll beat his ass with this pit, then he'll want to buy one these," said JAMBO! When asked about facing someone as well-versed in meat (and who doesn't want to be described that way) as Dave the butcher, JAMBO! was nonchalant. "I'm gonna take his ass down." Alrighty then. It was revealed that contestants would be cooking gigantic turkeys and bison brisket. Only Jamie had cooked a bison brisket before. Judge Tuffy Stone said those were a tough cook, noting "you've gotta keep moisture on it." Yep, gotta keep it wet (two, three, four). Jamie decided to go simple, traditional, Texas-style, po folks, whatever you want to call it. He basically just used salt and pepper and a little fajita seasoning on his brisket. Dave went all space age, using an injection that contained hydrolyzed vegetable protein, sodium phosphate and xanthan gum...you know, traditional BBQ fare. Judge "Big" Moe Cason said he would worry about over-injecting meat to the point that you just taste phosphates. "I don't think you can over-inject a piece of meat. I think you can over-flavor it," Dave said. He then applied his "premium rub" to the brisket, which contained ammonium bicarbonate, methyl hexenoate and rhodoxanthin...actually I made that part up. He cooks in a pellet smoker, which Tim's assistant snickered at. "People who use pellet cookers are not revered as true pitmasters," David said with a frown. That's because they are pushing a few buttons and walking away like you would with an oven, not building and managing a fire. To me, it's like a Ron Popeil infomercial...just set it AND FORGET IT! I digress. Tim said he didn't particularly want to cook brisket against Jamie and David, but figured since he was there and all, he'd go ahead and give her a go. He used pepper, garlic and onion in his rub and said he wanted to apply moisture at all times, so he laid strips of bacon over the brisket. Jamie also felt the need to add some moisture, laying hunks of beef fat he just happened to bring along, on his brisket. Do what you you want to do, but who just happens to have hunks of fat in their glove box. He said he came prepared to cook anything "from aardvark to zebra." If you think contestants give the judges the stinkeye when they get bison brisket or deer meat, toss a zebra clod or ocelot giblet in the cooler and see what happens. About that time, the judges halted the action and summoned the boys over for the Kingsford One-Bite Challenge. The competitors were told they'd be cooking oysters. "Oh sh!+," Jamie said. "I've never cooked oysters," Tim said. "They look like you blew your nose," Jamie added. So, that was well-received. At least they had a kind and understanding ear in judge Myron Mixon. "Oh well. Sucks to be them," he said. Dave cooked his with bacon and some butter, Tim decided on lemon juice and butter and damn if I remember what Jamie did. The judges liked Dave's but said the butter he used got a little greasy, Tim's was said to be "a little flat" by Moe and too lemony by Myron. Everyone liked Jamie's, whatever it was he did with it, but felt he maybe needed a little salt. He was declared the winner, meaning he got to determine the final turn-in order. He decided he go first, followed by Tim, then David. When the boys got back to cooking, Tim poured au jus and wheat beer on his brisket. David pulled his out, grabbed his knife and separated his deckle...yep, right there on TV. He cut deep into his deckle. Imagine my relief when I realized the deckle is part of the brisket. He wrapped it in foil with some butter and brown sugar and put it back in the smoker with the intention of making burnt ends out of it later. By this time everyone was beginning to work on their turkeys. David, naturally, was able to parse his out quickly, being a butcher and all. He actually had his assistant time him and got the whole thing cut up in 50 seconds. Pretty neat parlor trick...I bet he does that at parties. "Hey missy, I can dissect birds in expedient fashion. Is that hot? That turn you on?" He shot the bird up with chicken injection which contained, among other things, "a proprietary flavor." No idea what that means. Jamie injected his turkey with butter and Cajun seasoning and rubbed it with black, red and white pepper. "I'm a spicy guy," he said. Not to be confused with a spicy meatball, of course. It took Tim a really long time to cut his turkey his up. He applied two layers of rub and got it in the smoker. David pulled his brisket out and re-injected it, this time with "competition au jus broth." "Going back for some more love?" Tuffy asked. "Yep. I'm coming back for some more love," David said as he pumped the meat full of juice (two, three, four). Myron wondered if David wasn't getting a little too scientific, setting himself up to be beaten by someone doing some old-fashioned, good cooking. Tim had poured a bunch of pineapple juice on his turkey by this time. David took his turkey out, and re-injected it with a butter sauce. He applied some sauce and put it back in the smoker, saying he wanted his meat to get really sticky (two, three, four). Tim was very pleased with his brisket, finding it so moist and tender that he decided to do some burnt ends, despite not originally planning to do so with meat as lean as bison. He tossed them in a sweet Kansas City-style sauce and put a sweet red sauce on his turkey. David feverishly poured sauce and au jus on his brisket. Jamie just kinda stood there. "Watching them makes me wanna do something," he said. As Tim cut his turkey he said "listen to the juice coming out of that thing" (two, three, four). Jamie waited until the last second to put his food in the turn-in boxes. He got so rushed he was just ripping meat off the turkey and throwing it in. Tim went with pulled and sliced turkey, while David included some whole pieces and slices. David pointed out that he was the only cook that day to put a whole muscle in the box (two, three, four). Everyone got their food turned in and it was time for judging. Jamie's turkey was said to be smooth with great moisture. Moe said the first thing he tasted when he took a bite was turkey. Myron said he would have liked a little more sauce and Tuffy was disappointed that Jamie didn't turn in dark meat with the skin on. Jamie countered that people rarely eat skin on dark meat at Thanksgiving. They also argue with aunt Myrtle and watch the Lions play football. Not sure what his point was there. The judges said Tim's turkey was well cooked and had good flavor. Moe liked the tang the pineapple juice provided. Again, there was no skin on his dark meat, though, and Myron thought the meat was just a little overcooked. David got kudos for having bite-through skin on his dark meat. He had, by far, the best-looking turkey. However, Myron said that as he bit through his skin, he hit a big pocket of injection. Moe did too. "I've over-injected the meat," Dave opined sadly. Umm, I thought you couldn't over-inject? Confused here. It was then onto the brisket. Tuffy said he didn't like Jamie's presentation, but said it was moist and had good flavor. Moe liked Jamie's burnt ends in particular. Myron said the meat provided "a great, smooth, silky bite" but said it might have been over-peppered. Myron really liked the smokey flavor on Tim's burnt ends but thought they were overdone. Moe thought the burnt end was great and liked the seasoning and smoke on the slices but said the slice also had "a little tug." That's polite person speak for "tough." Tuffy liked the taste but said he got "more chew than is perfect." That's polite person speak for "this be all rubbery and junk." David was said to have the best-looking box (and he did) and the burnt end was said by Myron to be as good as Jamie's. Tuffy said the chew was great but thought the bison flavor "struggled to keep up." Myron said the brisket was more beefy tasting than bisony tasting. That kind of reinforced my belief and earlier point that BBQ is best when kept simple and rustic. You should taste smoke, a little seasoning, maybe some sauce but mainly the meat. David is obviously a good pitmaster and makes injections other competitors even use and he's won on the show before...but push-button, computerized smokers and zanthan gum just don't scream "BBQ" to me. It's sort of like Milli Vanilli. Some producer put an album together, but I guess the actual singers were old or fat or whatever...not made for TV in the "image above all else" age we live in. So he hired some models to stand there, dance around and lip-synch. C & C Music Factory did the same thing, getting a really hot chick to lip-synch in their videos. Your senses were fooled. You liked what you heard (well, I didn't, I thought Milli Vanilli sucked), you liked what you saw and enjoyed the show, but it wasn't what you thought it was. None of it was legitimate. Food can look good and taste good, but are you tasting well smoked, seasoned and cooked brisket or additive-rich rubs and injections? Some people might think it doesn't matter as long as it tastes good, but I do. Why spend 10 hours cooking something only to have it really taste like something else? Why not buy bulk sausage in a can and shoot it up? It'll taste good and it's cheaper and has a quicker cook than brisket. I guess some things can enhance the flavor of food and maybe I'm really just turning into a cranky old man who rejects all things new or different, but, crap, my high horse needs to go back to the barn now. We can discuss it more later. After deliberation, the judges told David he was in third place, undone by the pockets of injection in his turkey. He figured he hadn't moved his needle around enough while shooting up. Ok. That left Tim and Jamie and the winner...FRIGGIN' JAMBO!!!! Jamie won with simply-prepared meat cooked over a fire and advanced to the Pitmaster finals for the first time ever. For more on "BBQ Pitmaster" you can get all clicky clicked right here.
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Have you ever seen an old guy...not just older, I mean elderly, and thought to yourself "I would totally not mess with that dude?" Maybe it's the way they carry themselves, the wear that a hard-lived life imprints on one's face, or maybe its the loaded .38 in their boot. Anyway, sometimes you can just tell that despite their age, some old guys would deride you as being a whippersnapper or critique you for not tipping your hat to a lady, then kick your supposedly stronger, more verile ass all around the yard.
Meet Johnny Trigg. He's in his 70s, he's a retired insurance man, he's been doing competitive Q longer than many of his competitors have been alive, he speaks with a plaintive, Texas drawl, he's good at making ribs and he'd whip you if you got lippy with him, regardless of who you are. Back on the original incarnation of "BBQ Pitmaster" when it followed competitive cookers around the country instead of doing a contest-style show, he spit gruff insults at cocky young contestants, took their money in side bets and supposedly kept a firearm in his footwear. Do not trifle with Johnny Trigg. On whatever week of "BBQ Pitmasters" I'm now providing a recap of, three contestants showed up in the barnyard just south of "None of your dang business where we're at" Texas to earn a spot in the semi-finals. Among those was Alvarado's own Mr. Trigg, whose team is called "Smokin' Triggers" both because it's a play on his last name and because he settles arguments on dusty streets at 20 paces, I'm guessing. Also on hand was Corey Brinson from Fayetteville, North Carolina. He runs a rib shack and actually came in second to Trigg in the Pitmasters finale a few years back. He was asked what he was going to do this time around to change the outcome. "I'm gonna do the same things I did," he said semi-sheepishly. "Good, then you'll be second again," said the scary old Texan. He could have just said "Fightin's commenced, get to fightin' or get away." The other contestant was Craig Kimmel from Florida, who made it to the finals back in season two of the show. With the contestants introduced we learned the three would be cooking pork belly and monstrous, dinosaur-sized beef ribs. Seriously, the things looked like meat bats. You could have taken batting practice with them. Also, meat bat is a funny term and can mean more than one thing. Trigg was not impressed. "We don't cook old bones," he said of Texas pitmasters, or either bad asses. I'm not sure which. Corey decided to parse the ribs out and cook them individually. "You've got some whittling to do," Myron said of that technique. Yep, just needs to whittle his meat or work that bone down a little bit (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!) Trigg said he was going to cook beef ribs just like he cooked brisket. "Because I win with my brisket," he said flatly. Hard to argue with that. Bad idea to argue with him in general, actually. Mr. Trigg said he'd bring a sweet heat to the ribs. Craig had other ideas, deciding he'd do his "Texas-style" which generally means simple with not much more than salt and pepper. I'd think Texas-style is whatever Mr. Trigg says it is, but the simple, mainly salt and pepper route is considered more traditionally Texan. As he does with most cuts of meat, Mr. Triff applied peanut oil to help the rub adhere, then put on two layers of rub. Myron asked about what kind of sauce he would be using. "That's more of your business!" Mr. Trigg retorted sternly. Corey was a little vexed by the pork belly. Judge Moe Cason said he would probably treat the unctious hunk of bacon-in-waiting (which I'm totally calling pork belly from now on) like he would ribs and that's the method Corey decided to employ. He injected the belly with apple juice and put his rib rub on it. For the pork belly, Craig went with the tried-and-true method of catering to what Myron wants. He put peach blossom sugar on it (Myron likes peaches) and then applied peach moonshine. It's not like I've had any of that before...I certainly don't possess any, um, sure don't, but I understand it has a very peachy flavor, but that idea didn't go over well with Myron AT ALL. "I don't like spirits on my meat," Myron said. "I don't want no damn liquor on my meat." Referring to intoxicating beverages as "spirits" is epic beyond words. About that time, the judges interrupted the pitmasters for the Kingsford One-Bite Challenge. They told the guys they would be cooking catfish. They handed them whole catfish and told them to whip something up out of them in 30 minutes. Corey panicked and really didn't know what to do with the catfish, so he started slashing away at the poor fish like Freddy Krueger would a sleeping teen. He wasn't able to get clean filets out of the carcass, just three ill-formed pieces that he put Cajun seasoning on. Craig poached his in butter and garlic and made a remoulade of some type to go with it. Mr. Trigg...I don't actually remember what he did. I was too distracted by him calling the catfish "Mr. Whiskers" over and over. Corey couldn't get his nubby fish hackings quite done on the grill. Hey Myron, do you like sushi?" he asked. At least he had a sense of humor about it. And for the record, no, Myron does not like sushi. Not the word, not the dish...he doesn't like sushi. Once they turned them in, Corey's was said to actually taste OK despite being "ugly as hell." They liked Craig's but said the remoulade overpowered the taste of the fish. Mr. Trigg's offering of "Mr. Whiskers" which sounds for all the world like cat food, was well-received but was said to need salt. Craig won, earning the right to pick the final turn-in order. He decided he go first, then Corey, then Mr. Trigg. Mr. Trigg, somewhat surprisingly, put honey on his beef ribs to add some sweetness. Myron and Moe have openly discussed not liking sweet stuff on their beef many times, but screw ya'll buddy, I'm Johnny Trigg and I'll put bee squeezins on whatever I please. Corey was struggling to get his pork belly to the right level of doneness, so he had to eschew low-and-slow in the smoker for hot-and-fast on the grill. "If it's not done yet, it's not gonna be," Mr. Trigg informed him. Craig apparently knows his way around a pork belly. He pulled some meaty strands out, twisted them into sort of a cone shape and included that in his turn-in box. "I like ice cream," Myron said. This wasn't ice cream, of course, it was pig meat. The point is it was cone shaped, it's sweet tastin' blah blah the phrase "ice cream" will do in a pinch. Mr. Trigg made an interesting decision, opting to take his rib meat off the bone for presentation. It made for a much better presentation because the bones were so big, Corey and Craig weren't actually able to close their turn-in boxes which could lead them to getting cold quickly. Everybody got everything turned in and it was time for judging. Craig's ginormous beef ribs were tasted first. Tuffy said he'd nailed the Texas flavor and his decision to not use sauce on them (just a little butter) got positive reviews. Moe did say his were not as tender as he'd hoped. Corey's ribs were said to be "a little snug" (which is a nice way of saying tough) by Moe, but Myron disagreed, saying his were tender. Tuffy said there was sweetness on the ribs he didn't particularly care for and Myron said they needed salt. Mr. Trigg's ribs were deemed the most tender by Myron, but the descrepancies continued as Moe said his was tight (which means tougher than ones that are "a little snug") and Tuffy thought they needed a little extra pop of flavor. Pork belly was next. Myron said Craig had "perfect texture" on the ice cream cone, but thought the slices he included in the box were a tad tough. I became befuddled as Moe, again, disagreed and said they were very tender. One man's "snugger than a tick in a dog's butt" can be another's "softer than sweet butter gently meltin' in memaw's skillet" I guess, but it seemed strange to have them at odds so much. He put some cubes in the box too which everyone seemed to like the flavor of, but Myron complained that all the fat had failed to render out. Despite loathing spirits and demon rum on his meat, Myron said using the peach moonshine did work. All the judges raved about the flavor on Corey's pork belly and they loved the char it got from being on the grill. They said that gave it a bacon-ish taste. Everyone also thought it was a little tough. They said tough instead of "snug" or "tight" or "stove up" so it may have been very tough. Mr. Trigg's pork belly was called "good all-around" with good tenderness and a smooth bite. As the judges sat to hash things out, the pitmasters sat around a fire. That just looked like Mr. Trigg's element. I expected him to talk about the time he drove a team of horses up Bear Mountain, or amputate one of his big toes with a knife because some dang old rattler got a tooth into it. He looked awesome is my point. Once the judges talked things over, they brought the pitmasters back and told Corey he was in third place. That left Craig and Mr. Trigg. After discussing the merits and demerits of the meat they turned in, the judges announced that the pitmaster moving on was...CRAIG, in a stunning upset. The judges told Mr. Trigg his meat was perfectly cooked but needed more seasoning. "I disagree," Mr. Trigg said in a cutaway, with his arms folded. It was the perfect ending. He didn't concede their point, he didn't talk about how great the experience of being on "BBQ Pitmasters" was...he said the judges were wrong and that was that. Craig moved onto the semifinal round. For more information on "BBQ Pitmaster" get all clicky right here. So, once again I've gotten behind on recapping episodes of "BBQ Pitmasters" what with work and not wanting to write any flipping thing on vacation and whatnot. The season is actually over now, but let's be honest, you don't come here to get the results, you come here for meat jokes. Both of you that faithfully read this blog deserve a full season's worth of reviews and you're gonna get it.
So, once again, three pitmasters show up to parts unknown for some grilling and smoking. How exactly were the three of them able to find parts unknown? Maybe if you get picked for the show they send you a map...or maybe they abduct you in your sleep, put you in a dark box car and toss you out when you get close. Then an old prospector, a really stereotypical one with a pick axe, a furrowed brow and dwindling hope of striking it rich, greets the contestants and simply says "You fellers need to go that'a way." Or maybe not. This week's contestants, whatever week it is I'm talking about here, are Joe Pearce of Squeal Like A Pig BBQ in Kansas City (he came in second in Season Five), Ken Wood, who has the perfect name for a pitmaster or a star of certain types of films, from Memphis, Tennessee and Tim Grant of True Bud BBQ in Kansas. Wood, other than having either an appropriate or hilarious name, is noteworthy for having once made a burnt end on "BBQ Pitmasters" that judge "Big" Moe spit out. Not politely deposited it in his napkin...hocked it like a loog. Grant is known for his success on the circuit, with 35 contest wins in the last three years. The judges called Pearce "baby face" several times. That seemed odd since he has a full beard and mustache. What kind of freaky babies do these BBQ people have? I'm getting sidetracked here...let's move on. Anyway, the three were told they'd be cooking brisket point and rack of lamb. Only roided-out baby man Joe seemed excited about the lamb. He said he cooks it a lot and the other two guys said they'd never cooked it. Inappropriately hirsuted toddler Joe is also renowned for his his work on brisket. He looked like the early favorite. Tim noted that it was real friggin' cold in parts unknown. That made him happy to have an insulated firebox. He had other concerns, though. "What do I know about lamb? Not much," he said. Ken got right to work on his brisket, pronouncing that he was going to use a rub on it that included "pepperico and expresso." Are those things? I don't think those are real things. Why not use magic fairy dust and unicorn dandruff while you're at it. For the lamb, he decided to use his normal BBQ rub and some herbs. "Do you know what the hell you're doing?" judge Myron Mixon asked. Ken said his mix would work. He mentioned that lavender was in the herb mix he was using and that lavender has a nice ring to it. "Arsenic has a nice ring to it too," Myron said. So, the judges seemed on board with what he was doing. Judge Tuffy Stone recommended the use of rosemary, thyme, garlic and olive oil. Early puberty Joe said his plan was to use his regular BBQ rub and do the lamb Kansas City style. All that work was interrupted, though, by the Kingsford One-Bite Challenge. The boys were told they had 30 minutes to cook up some shrimp. Ken decided to make firey Jamaican shrimp, Joe whipped up street tacos and Tim just wrapped his in bacon and grilled them. Once the dishes were turned in, the judges felt Ken's shrimp was overwhelmed by seasoning, Joe's tacos were said to be a little sloppy and his taco shells cold and superfluous. Superfluous shell would make a great band name, incidentally. Anyway, they said he should have just turned in the shrimp, sans shell (another great band name). The judges said Tim's dish lacked imagination and creativity, but was tasty and cooked well. As often happens, the person who keeps it simple won...Tim, by virtue of his victory, got to decide the turn-in order. He opted to go first, said Ken would go second and made Joe go last. Soul patch preemie Joe said he preferred to go last, noting he'd won before when having his food tasted last. He reasoned that having your food be the last thing the judges eat is actually an advantage more than having your food possibly get cold is a disadvantage. All three cooks experienced some late drama. Ken said his "points were leaking." A little saw palmetto would probably take care of that. Unless he meant his brisket points. He might have meant his brisket points. He re-arranged everything in the smoker. Tim worried that the fat wasn't rendering out of his brisket points the way he wanted and Joe decided his lamb was too spicy, so he put his sweet BBQ sauce on it to balance things out. Once everyone turned everything in, the judges got down to business. Moe loved the char Tim was able to get on his rack of lamb and Tuffy said the rosemary he used was a nice compliment. Tim hit the lamb with his rub late in the process to amp up the flavor, but the judges thought that made one side of the lamb too salty. Much to Myron's surprise, he liked Ken's lavender-ish lamb. All the judges liked the smoke flavor he got on the meat, but they knocked him a bit for not getting much seasoning and flavor on one side of the lamb. There seemed to be an indication that just putting BBQ rub and sauce on lamb was a bit of a lazy move by Joe, but the judges fell that the sauce worked. They felt it maybe needed to have been hit with a little dust late in the process and Moe said the face of the lamb was sorta plain. The comments seemed a bit even, which had to be a little bit of a blow for Joe, who theoretically should've dominated the category. The judges liked the presentation on Tim's brisket box. He did all burnt ends and really packed them in there in an effort to maintain heat. Tuffy felt the burnt ends were good but needed "a little pop" and Moe was high on the extra beefy flavor of the meat. Tim, incidentally, did not inject the brisket. See everybody, if you know what you're doing, beef tastes like beef without you shooting it up with something to make it taste more like beef. Sorry, that's a bit of a pet peeve. After showing a replay of Moe spitting out his burnt end in a previous episode, Ken was pretty tense as the judges began to sample his cow cubes...which is an excellent term for burnt ends that I made up just right now. "I'm not spitting this out buddy!" Moe said. WOO HOO! That could be damning with faint praise but it's better than another big ol' hock job. Joe was up next. Tuffy did not care for Joe's presentation at all, but as for taste and tenderness, the descriptions were "great" and "melt in your mouth tender." The judges sent the contestants away so they could discuss things further. They sounded rather confounded, actually. They said the lamb was basically a tie and the brisket was close too. When they called the pitmasters back, Myron said he hated to send two good cooks home, but said that's why he's referred to as a "dream maker and a heartbreaker." Is he also a love taker? Is Pat Benatar making a guest appearance? I guess not. Ken was the first contestant eliminated. So, no trophy or money but Moe didn't spit your food out this time live on camera, if that's any consolation. That left Joe and Tim and the winner is TIMMY! He moved on to the semi-finals by virtue of his win. I'll keep the reviews coming at a more expeditious rate, but in the meantime, for more info on "Pitmaster" go right here...and for info on the fabulous new season of "Pit Wars" clickify this! I'm not given much to bragging, so I hesitate to even say this, but I'm pretty sure I'm a genius.
I've read a lot about geniuses, which to me are people who conceive of things no one has ever thought of and make them a reality. Thomas Edison rarely slept, Nikola Tesla heard voices in his head, Ben Franklin...you know what, not going there. If you're reading this, you have access to the intrawebs and can Google it. The point is, their creativity is at such a level beyond that of average folks they have trouble turning it off and are deluged with ideas almost constantly. I recently came to know that burden myself. There I was, sitting in my living room, watching TV, minding my own dang business. I think I was watching some Cooking Channel show where a guy goes to fairs and carnivals and eats the outlandish, deep-fried, totally unhealthy but probably delicious foods they sell. You know, stuff like a chicken sandwich with two jelly doughnuts for a bun and deep-fried pudding (both are real, actual things you can buy at fairs). So, I guess maybe that planted the seed of unhealthy edible goodness in my head...or watered a seed that was already planted there. I already think about deliciously harmful food quite a bit already. For some reason, though, my mind veered toward some of the stuff people put on pizzas now. I'm sure you've seen cheeseburger pizzas, where they use hamburger meat, cheese that is atypical on pizzas (like cheddar) and onions as toppings. It kind of tastes like you're eating a cheeseburger. So I wondered what would happen and how it would taste if instead of crumbling up hamburger meat on a pizza, you actually made a hamburger patty and smooshed it between two bacon and onion pizzas. The pizza could kind of serve as the bun, the pizza sauce would somewhat replicate the ketchup and the cheese, onions and bacon lots of people already put on hamburgers would be invited to the party too. Maybe it's been done before, I don't know, but I've never heard of it if it has. So, I'm sure every mad scientist inventor goes through a couple of prototypes on any new creation. Things are rarely perfect the first time you do them, so you have to tweak and alter a bit. Even if you used smaller pizzas, you would have to make a gigantic burger patty to go between them. Otherwise, you've got lot of pizza around the edges and no meat. Each bite wouldn't contain the satisfying combination of both pizza and burger that I was imagining. So as I watched the guy on TV eat a hot beef sundae (really) I got an even better idea. Instead of trying a burger the first time around, I would use chicken. YES! I would make two pizzas and put a bunch of chicken tenders between them to create a chicken parm sandwich. It was the smartest idea to ever take up residence in my head. How would I take advantage of this, though? I mean, when you have a million-dollar idea you want, you know, that million dollars. Maybe I could open a stand at a fair, I thought. People would just go ape for this crazy, culinary cross-breeding. I shared this idea with a couple of friends. They thought it sounded good too, so they offered to participate. I didn't suspect the resulting dish would be bad...pizza is good and chicken is good, but you can never really know how something new is going to work, especially on the first go around. I bet Orville and Wilbur had to fling their asses off that sand dune a bunch of times before their fancy flying machine actually worked. Given that, I bought some ready-made pizza crusts and sauce. That's why I did that. Sure is. It isn't because I don't really know how to make pizza from scratch. HEAVENS NO! I'm a genius. Seems like you would have heard about that already. I actually can make sauce, but I didn't have all day to stand over a pot a-stirring, so I just heated up the pre-made sauce. I did doctor it up with Garlic Expressions salad dressing, oregano, pepper and onion powder. I then ladled it onto the crusts and added a generous helping of cheese. The pack of crusts I bought had four per pack, so I made four pizzas. Rich (one of the fellows helping with this) suggested that we make two of them as plain cheese pizzas and two pepperonis. Wow. Pepperoni would add a whole new layer of flavor. Genius inventors always have strange little assistants that get no credit for their contributions, right? Rich took the pack of chicken tenderloins I bought and pounded them very flat. Jed, the other assistant who won't share in the wealth my idea ultimately nets, breaded the chicken and baked it. Baking is a healthy way to go. I mean, birthing the bastard love baby of Colonel Sanders and Chef Boyardee is such an exercise in well-being and general wellness anyway, why not add to that experience? Once the pizzas were done, we pulled them out of the oven and let them cool a little. We then totally covered one of them in our chicken tenders, then took another pizza and put it (sauce and cheese side down) on top of that. It just sat there looking at us, oozing grease and melted cheese. We cut it into four pieces and all grabbed one. We agreed we'd all take a bite at the same time. Once we did, we all stood there for a second, but then I started jumping up-and-down. "I'm a blankity blanking genius!" I proclaimed. It was every bit as good as I thought it would be and then some. It essentially tasted like the best chicken parm sandwich I've ever eaten. The sauce, the cheese, the chicken and the crust all held hands and skipped merrily down the road together in perfect, euphoric harmony. It's been several weeks ago and the giant financial windfall I figured all us genius-types reap has yet to materialize. Until that happens, I guess I can just hope a few people will follow my lead and try this idea out. You'll see that it's delicious, but there will be no need to thank me. Knowing that I'm a food genius will be thanks enough. |
TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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