It occurs to me sometimes that you might like football and mock drafts but not, you know, words. They have letters in them and there are lots of them and you have to figure out what they mean…who needs that? So, I offer up a truncated (that means smaller) short attention span version of my mock draft.
1. Arizona Cardinals- QB Kyler Murray, Oklahoma With a WR group that is a mix of elderly people and AAF refugees, it might not matter who the QB is, really. 2. San Francisco 49ers- Nick Bosa, Ohio State Fully healed from surgery on his ding ding muscle, Bosa should be a defensive rookie of the year candidate. 3. New York Jets- OLB/DE Josh Allen, Kentucky The benefit to sucking as bad for as long as they have is you can pick whoever and it’s better than anything you’ve already got. Allen will be a pass-rushing stud. 4. Parts Unknown Raiders- DE Rashan Gary, Michigan Gruden will frequently say “man” and use metaphors involving carpentry tools and women of ill repute if Gary parlays his physical skills into production. 5. Tampa Bay Bucaneers- LB Devin White, LSU Tampa resists the urge to jettison their meme-screaming, turnover-addled seafood pilferer and instead fills a big need at LB. 6. New York Giants- DL Quinnen Williams, Alabama They’ll grab Grampa Manning’s replacement later, opting to take a large person who menaces opposing QBs in this spot. 7. Jacksonville Jaguars- TE T.J. Hockenson, Iowa If you want corn or large people that catch footballs, Iowa seems like a good place to look. 8. Detroit Lions- DE/OLB Montez Sweat, Mississippi State Named like he toured with Al B. Sure and Gerald Levert in the late 80s…brings some major juice to Detroit’s pass rush. 9. Buffalo Bills- DT Ed Oliver, Houston Their horrendously inaccurate QB could use better weapons, but so could their well-lubricated turnstile of a D line. 10. Denver Broncos- OL Jawaan Taylor, Florida Only a nimrod would leave this stud out of his mock draft (quietly adds Taylor to mock draft, hope no one notices). 11. Cincinnati Bengals- QB Dwayne Haskins, Ohio State You know what you have in Andy Dalton (a red-headed person who does not win playoff games), so why not take someone with the tools to potentially take you further? 12. Green Bay Packers- TE Noah Fant, Iowa Most mocks don’t have him going this high…but if you’re looking for insight and accuracy you probably aren’t getting your NFL Draft info from a high school football and meat blog to start with. 13. Miami Dolphins- DL Christian Wilkins, Clemson The Dolphins will wait a year to address the long-term QB situation (i.e. tank and suck real bad in ’19) but get a versatile, productive winner on the D line for this year. 14. Atlanta Falcons- OL Jonah Williams, Alabama JONAH could be a WHALE of a pick for the Falcons. See what I did there? HAHAHAHA!!!! 15. Washington Redskins- DE Clelin Ferrell, Clemson This won’t happen because I want it to. We’ll probably trade our entire draft for a long snapper and a sack of magic beans. 16. Carolina Panthers- OL Andre Dillard, Washington State Other than never blocking for a running play once ever in his college career, he’s a heck of a pick. 17. New York Giants- QB Drew Lock, Missouri He’ll likely go higher than this, but I’m not sold. He could be Mahomes Part II or Blaine Gabbert’s slightly less accurate doppelganger. 18. Minnesota Vikings- OL Cody Ford, Oklahoma Allowing your QB to be savagely diddled on an every-down basis is a net negative for offensive production according to recent reports. 19. Tennessee Titans- DL Dexter Lawrence, Clemson The Titans have a glaring hole at DT and have a great one drop right into their laps…of course if Dexter literally fell into your lap, walking without a limp and having babies later in life would no longer be in the cards. 20. Pittsburgh Steelers- DB Byron Murphy, Washington If you think of something funny to say about a CB from Washington, please let me know. 21. Seattle Seahawks- WR D.K. Metcalf, Ole Miss Goes fast in a straight line, but so do choo choo trains and they catch almost as many passes as he does. Could be an all-time steal or a guy who runs fast in a straight line. 22. Baltimore Ravens- WR Parris Campbell, Ohio State With a young QB, Ravens need some WRs, um, that I knew existed without looking them up. 23. Houston Texans- OL Chris Lindstrom, Boston College I know it was like, five whole picks ago, but do you remember what I said about your QB being painfully violated by defenders too often? 24. Parts Unknown Raiders- TE Irv Smith, Alabama If the season started today Lee Smith would be starting at TE for the Raiders. Also, if the season started today it’d be weird since it’s April. Someone better seems like a good idea. 25. Philadelphia Eagles- LB Devin Bush, Michigan Sideline-to-sideline tackling machine, block-shedder, loose hips in coverage and all the other good crap you’re supposed to say about LBs. 26. Indianapolis Colts- DL Jerry Tillery, Notre Dame I’m largely pulling stuff out of a hat at this point. 27. The TBD Raiders- RB Josh Jacobs, Alabama “Muscle hamster, pound the chicken wiggle in the stink bucket, spider 2 Y banana MAN” or whatever Gruden would say. 28. The (fill in the blank) Chargers- QB Daniel Jones, Duke Phillip Rivers has lots of age on him (and also babies). Time to start grooming a replacement, who get to learn behind one of the best for a few years. 29. Seattle Seahawks- Brian Burns, Florida State They just traded away a pass rusher…they need a pass rusher…don’t make this harder than it needs to be, man. 30. Green Bay Packers- WR Marquise Brown, Oklahoma The team’s current WRs fall somewhere between “middling” and “my obese uncle” on the talent scale. Gotta give Rodgers more to work with. 31. St. Louis Rams- OL Garrett Bradbury, N.C. State They need a center, the top center in the draft falls to them. It’s need meets, um, the thing that is needed or something. 32. New England Patriots- DE/OLB D’Andrew Walker, Georgia A happy ending for the Pats to get a rising pass-rusher. Ownership seems well-acquainted with happy endings in New England.
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It’s that time of year again. The time when optimism rules the day, when your team is just a few shrewd moves away from becoming an instant contender, when you truly believe a better, brighter day will arrive at dawn. There is something about the NFL Draft that makes me turn loose of decades of bitterness and disappointment and embrace real, authentic hope…kind of like Andy in Shawshank Redemption. Unfortunately, if you root for a double decker DERP wagon of a team, driven by Mr. Magoo’s, dumb, rich, pompous uncle like me, you never make it to sunny Zihuatanejo and meet up with Red. You get wedged into the 500-yard sewage pipe and are eaten by giant poop rats. With that in mind, I try to revel in the only joyful part of the NFL season by doing my own mock draft. I’m not a personnel evaluator, I’m not a coach, I’m not even a “senior reporter.” I’m a disgruntled fan with a blog, a draft magazine, some beer and a little bit of free time. So, I’d like to present to you my annual mock draft…
1. Arizona Cardinals- QB Kyler Murray, Oklahoma I’ll grant you this team picked a QB in the first round last year. It’s fair to point out they surrounded him with skill players that fall somewhere between “pedestrian” and “limbless aardvark” on the talent scale. I’ll concede that they fired their last coach after one year on the job. I can’t argue that they fired their offensive coordinator last year after seven awful games. It’s factual to note they hired a new head coach who has no NFL coaching experience and had a losing record in college. Maybe their drafts over the last five years have been noxious dumpster fires…but you need to trust them where drafting a short person from a wacky, slapnuts offense who might go play baseball if pro football doesn’t pan out quickly is concerned. I don’t’ actually have a problem with Murray going this high…great athlete and competitor, but this better work where almost everything else they’ve done lately has not. 2. San Francisco 49ers- DE Nick Bosa, Ohio State Aside from three good years under Jim Harbaugh, the 9ers have been wandering aimlessly in the Sucky Suck Suck Desert, frightened, thirsty and alone on a weary camel for almost 20 years. Seriously, losing records in 12 of the past 16 years, one-year coaching tenures for Chip Kelly and that guy that farted during a press conference and super iffy personnel decisions. They’ve drafted three first round D linemen in the last five years and made a big-time D-line signing in free agency this offseason, yet somehow still need defensive linemen. Bosa seems like a safe, sure pick at end. He’s strong at the point of attack, athletic, super disruptive and perhaps the cool drink of clean water the 9ers and their camel both need. 3. New York Jets- OLB/DE Josh Allen, Kentucky If there is an upside to be a bottomless font of inept suckitude, it’s that you don’t have to agonize over draft picks. Just take whoever and it will probably be an upgrade over what you presently have on hand. To be fair, the Jets kinda, sorta, semi, seem to have a vague clue about talent acquisition lately. They’re set at QB, RB (assuming he shows up and whatnot) and one safety spot, which only leaves them needing, um, everything else, I guess. I honestly think they may trade back to address their needs at receiver, O line, D line, corner etc. and so on. If they stay put, a frightening, 6’5 football cyborg to menace opposing quarterbacks will do just fine. Allen oddly looks a hair spindly, but I think that’s just because he’s so tall and has arms roughly the length of S.C. Highway 9. He has been one of the most productive players in the country the last few years, has a crazy-fast first step and actually doesn’t seem to mind mixing it up against the run. They should be thrilled to get him here. 4. Wherever they are currently located Raiders- DE Rashan Gary, Michigan The Raiders’ current projected DE tandem of Josh Mauro and Arden Key doesn’t say “feared pass-rushing duo” to me as much as it says “HAHAHAHA let’s throw the ball every down.” I’ll be honest, I don’t know if this is a great pick this high, because you’re basically drafting on potential and when you had the fewest sacks in the league and the next-lowest team HAD 17 MORE THAN YOU DID, you need more of a sure thing. Granted, Gary looks very much like he was constructed in an unregulated, football laboratory staffed by overzealous strength coaches and sketchy genetic doctors. He’s a large person who runs very fast (6’4, 280 pounds, 4.58 40). Athletically he’s off the charts…production-wise he’s barely on them. 119 tackles, 23 tackles-for-loss, 9.5 sacks and one forced fumble in 34 career games. Workout warriors whose game tape looks like a charity donkey basketball game at your local high school scare me, particularly this high. I say the Raiders will roll the dice here. If this turns into a hit, Gruden will give him ridiculous nicknames and make inane metaphors about him. In fact, he might do that here a little later on too… 5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- LB Devin White, LSU I almost pulled my first “OH NO HE DIDN’T” of the draft here and had them take QB Dwayne Haskins. I will guess that maybe Bruce Arians tries to see if he can help improve his current finger-sucking, seafood pilfering turnover machine of a signal-caller first. The Bucs lost Kwon Alexander in free agency, there’s no telling if Kendell Beckwith will be his old self after a bad injury and the rest of the LBs are people I was previously unaware played football. Enter Devin White. He goes almost 240 on a 6’0 frame, he is faster than most CBs (and cheetahs and race cars), he’s productive and he loves the game (so this magazine says, anyway). He’s still learning the position having come up as a RB, but he can be a sideline-to-sideline tackling machine. It’s a perfect pairing. It’s need meets, uh, thing that is needed or whatever. 6. New York Giants- DL Quinnen Williams, Alabama Your first impulse is to send Haskins here, since Eli Manning is very near the point that he qualifies for a free coffee at Hardees. He’ll meet up there every morning with Clem and H.C and talk about how there must be a storm a’comin’ because his lumbago is acting up. He’s old is my point. However, with Haskins slipping on some boards for whatever reason and with the Giants having traded away two D line starters, they require a large person that tackles people. Williams is like a boulder with lightning legs. He’s plenty big, freaky fast, has on-the-field numbers to match (eight sacks and 19.5 tackles-for-loss while playing inside) and as a redshirt sophomore his best is probably still ahead of him. They can replace grandpa Manning a bit later. 7. Jacksonville Jaguars- TE T.J. Hockenson, Iowa “T.J. Hockenson” sounds like a person who plays tight end at Iowa…or plays clarinet in a two-bit polka band. You know…chunky fellow in a funny green hat, just tootin’ away on “Where’s my bologna polka” with a bottle of lukewarm Weihenstephan Hefe Weissbier sitting on top of a nearby amp. Anyway, the Jags think they have their QB situation ironed out now with Nick Foles…but to me, Foles needs good weapons around him to succeed. They could use O-line help and another receiver but their TE’s are a collection of “who is thats?” and “why are we paying hims?” Seriously, their top two have 59 career catches, two touchdowns and average nine yards a catch. It’s a close call between he and former teammate Noah Fant, but I’ll go with Hockenson because he’s bigger, a bit more productive and a better blocker. Last year’s John Mackey Award winner provides a big boost to an area of need. 8. Detroit Lions- DE/OLB Montez Sweat, Mississippi State If I hadn’t just done the “T.J. Hockenson as polka player” bit I would totally have Montez Sweat as a late ‘80s R&B singer. He’d be on a package tour with EU and Rude Boys, alternately singing about how he’d love you tenderly and how he wants to see you bounce your booty on the dance floor. Oh well. This roster is kind of a grab bag of bullcrap with a few exceptions, so they could go CB, OL, TE or almost anything else. Sweat is another tall guy (6’6) who moves like a bullet-legged puma on roller skates. He did play at three colleges and doesn’t rack up gigantic tackle numbers, but man is he a menace in the backfield with 23.5 sacks the last two years. A nice bookend to Trey Flowers. 9. Buffalo Bills- DT Ed Oliver, Houston I’m not at all convinced the Bills will even make this pick with a trade seeming likely. I’m not convinced this is the right pick or the position they’ll even address if they do stay put at this spot. But you can’t just say“crap, who knows?” in a mock draft so I’ll put Oliver’s name here. They have a lot of needs, not the least of which is more viable targets for Josh Allen. He’s like cross-eyed sniper…sure he’s got a powerful weapon at his disposal, but he’s as likely to maim an innocent bird or shoot someone’s aunt in the hind end as to hit his target. A TE (Fant) would be a big help, but they have a large person named Star and not much else on the D line. Oliver is undersized at 6’2 and 280-something, but dadgum is he active and disruptive. Not gigantic sack totals, but he had 53 tackles-for-loss and 192 tackles in 32 college games. Small D linemen have had success recently, which probably benefits him. 10. Denver Broncos- OL Cody Ford, Oklahoma According to my intensive research, having your quarterback savagely violated regularly is a net negative where offensive production is concerned. When you add in that your quarterback is an aging, slow person, it makes things that much worse. Ford is like a bull on those shoes the kids wear that have little wheels in them. Just a gigantic slab of angry beef rolling around mashing people is what he is. They could go D line here too, but with their OT spots filled pretty ably, Ford can step in to plug a hole inside and make Joe Flacco more comfortable. 11. Cincinnati Bengals- QB Dwayne Haskins, Ohio State OH NO HE DIDN’T! OH YES HE DID! SAY WHAT? UH HUH! Look, this is almost certainly not going to actually happen. The Bengals are about as change averse as a professional sports team can be. They were quite content to teeter between meh and crap for what seemed like 30 or 40 years under Marvin Lewis. That hind tit suits them just fine, thank you. But, they have a new coach, one who was a QB in college and maybe, just maybe he’d like to go in a different direction at the position. You know what you have in Andy Dalton, which is a middle of the road kind of guy who can win you games so long as he has talent around him. Haskins looks the part at 6’3, 230 and his production was off the friggin’ charts last year (4,800 yards and 50 touchdown passes). Now, he isn’t much of a runner at all and he was a one-year starter, so you might have to treat him like a green nanner and stick him in a bag for a little while to ripen (I have no idea where that came from, sorry), but why not take a shot on a guy with the tools to take you further than you know your current starter can? 12. Green Bay Packers- TE Noah Fant, Iowa Odd to have two tight ends from the same school going this high and I’ll grant you that very few other mocks have him going this high. But, I mean, if you’re looking for dead-on accuracy, you probably aren’t seeking information on a high school football and meat blog to start with. Come for the polka jokes, stay around for the draft picks. It would seem a shame to waste the last few great years of Aaron Rodgers’s career by saddling him with a mix of old, slow and unproductive pass-catchers. Fant’s physical tools jump off the page (ran a 4.5 at almost 250 pounds). He isn’t a big in-line blocker, but if he can stretch the field and be a red zone threat, who cares? 13. Miami Dolphins- DL Christian Wilkins, Clemson Despite the rumblings that the Dolphins are going to wait a year to address their needs at QB (i.e. tank and suck terribly) I’m not convinced they aren’t going to go up and get one this year. If they stay put, adding some juice (or a name I’m actually familiar with) to a nondescript D line should be the move. Honestly, they should be thrilled to get a player of Wilkins’ caliber here. He’s got the size (6’3, 315) and workout numbers you’re looking for, he’s super productive (57 tackles, 15 for loss, six sacks and two forced fumbles) is smart and versatile enough to play inside or outside…but most importantly he’s a leader and a winner. He’d be a great addition here. 14. Atlanta Falcons- OL Jonah Williams, Alabama JONAH could be a WHALE of a pick for Atlanta. See what I did there? Little Biblical humor for you. I’ve seen people question whether he can play tackle in the NFL because his arms are shorter than is considered ideal. I mean, it’s not like he has creepy little baby doll arms on his 6’4, 305-ish pound frame. If he did it would be hilarious, but whatever. Watch him play. He’s good. Inside or out he’s a big upgrade for the Falcons. 15. Washington Redskins- DE Clelin Ferrell, Clemson Understand from the get-go, they won’t do this because it makes sense and will make me happy. Being a fan of this team is a totally one-sided proposition. You give love and loyalty and undying support and they poop in a box and put it under your tree at Christmas. WR is BY FAR our biggest, most pressing need. Consider that right now if we go four wide, we’re rolling out Josh Doctson, Darvin Kidsy, Paul Richardson and Brian Quick. “Oh gosh, a present? You shouldn’t have. I can’t wait to open this stinky box to see what’s inside.” They’ll probably draft D.K. Metcalf. He scares me to death because while he’s like a freight train careening down the side of a steep mountain in terms of size and speed, his stats are very close to what that ill-fated train would post. I don't see a receiver worth picking here, so we go to our next biggest need, which is someone to rush the quarterback. Ferrell has the right dimensions (6’4, 264 pounds), puts up numbers to match almost anyone (36.5 tackles-for-loss and 21 sacks the past two years) and seems to play his best against the best competition with a lot on the line. He’d have to adjust to more of an OLB/DE/Edge role with Washington running a 3-4, but he can do it. And he will…probably for some other team smart enough to draft him. 16. Carolina Panthers- OL Andre Dillard, Washington State The Panthers desperately need to inject some youth and speed into the DE position. I think they move up to get that, but if the stay here, taking Brian Burns or someone is a bit reach-y and desperate. You don’t want to get desperate as desperation leads to poor choices. Don’t settle for “other than the prison face tats and poisonous pet snake she’s fine” when “HOTTAROCKY” might walk through the door a few minutes later. They could use help up front on offense too and a productive, four-year starter with top-drawer physical tools seems like a good get at 16. 17. New York Giants- QB Drew Lock, Missouri His stock spiked tremendously after a good showing at the Senior Bowl, but I remain unconvinced. He’s got the size you’re looking for (6’4, 230-ish), he’s athletic and man can he fling the tater. As an aside, remember when analysts said stuff like “man can he fling the tater” instead of “he has impressive arm talent?” Bite me with that stuff. OK, now the negatives. His accuracy can go to straight to crap with almost no notice and his yardage and touchdowns were actually down last year, though his completion percentage was up a bit and he cut back his interceptions. He didn’t exactly lift the program to new heights, either, the way you kind of expect top-end QBs to do. The Giants need to get on with drafting Eli’s replacement and he could be Mahomes 2.0…or Jay Cutler’s slightly more affable doppelganger. Not sure which. 18. Minnesota Vikings- OL Kaleb McGary, Washington Remember what I said earlier about how allowing opposing defenses to violently diddle your QB is a detriment to offensive productivity? Maybe not. That was, like, eight picks ago and we’ve both changed so much as people since then. Well, that is the case and the Vikings take a guy to help on that front. 19. Tennessee Titans- DL Dexter Lawrence, Clemson The Titans need a pass rusher and BADLY need to get more weapons around Mariota, especially a younger, athletic TE. There’s a bit of a drop off after Lawrence at DL, though, so I say they fill a big need with the best guy left on the board. Lawrence’s picture should basically appear on the side of can of peas. He’s a mammoth, gigantic man at 6’4, 350-ish. He was the strongest D lineman at the combine and is amazingly quick for his size. He doesn’t put up big sack numbers, but he ties up blockers, stuffs the run and you ain’t moving him. He did test positive for Ovaltine or something, but who knew that was illegal? I mean, how much of that stuff did Ralphie drink in “A Christmas Story” to get that Orphan Annie decoder? Of course, he did have that rage incident where he curb stomped Scut Farkus, so maybe there’s something there. Is that not the same thing? Oh well. Anyway, that seemed minor and unintentional and won’t impact his draft status. 20. Pittsburgh- DB Byron Murphy, Washington Daddy is running out of steam here, kids. Pittsburgh needs a young corner, Byron Murphy fits the description…let’s move along. 21. Seattle Seahawks- WR D.K. Metcalf, Ole Miss There’s a lot to like about Metcalf. He looks like he’s chiseled out of granite, he run a 4.3 at 6’3 and 230 pounds. The bloodlines are certainly there (father Terrence, grandfather Terry and uncle Eric Metcalf all played in the league) too. What isn’t is much production. He caught 26 passes and five touchdowns last year and had 39-646-7 the year before that. He runs fast in a straight line but so do alligators and they can’t catch, man. Short arms and a penchant for eating defenders is what keeps them out of the league. Has injury history too. Could be a phenom that gives Russell Wilson a game-breaking target…or not. 22. Baltimore Ravens- WR Parris Campbell, Ohio State A pass rusher is BADLY needed here too, but having decided to go with a youngster at QB in Lamar Jackson, they have to give him the tools to succeed. In terms of speed, if the Roadrunner and a rocket booster could somehow have a baby, it would probably be Campbell. He is one of the fastest players in the draft. He had a huge final college season, going over 1,000 yards and scoring 12 touchdowns. He’s not a giant target at 6’0 and 200 or so pounds and will be asked to do a lot more in terms of route running in the NFL, but the talent is certainly there. 23. Houston Texans- OL Chris Lindstrom, Boston College Hey, um, you remember when we talked about the drawbacks to letting the other team dole out a grade 1 rootin’ to your quarterback? That message rings as clear and true now as it did five picks ago…and a few picks before that. Deshaun Watson will lead this team a long way provided he is upright and healthy, which he won’t be if he gets sacked 62 times again. Lindstrom will likely play inside, but he’ll do great there. Moves really well and is good in pass protection and in the run game, per this magazine I bought. Houston will take that. 24. Parts Unknown Raiders- TE Irv Smith, Alabama If the season started right now (which would be weird since it’s April) the Raiders would trot out Lee Smith as their starting TE. On top of having a super flashy name, he’s over 30 and has 56 career receptions. WOO HOO! Obviously, this is an area that needs a major upgrade. Smith is a little undersized at 6’2, 240…but these sort of pumped-up WRs are being used a lot more now with success. He averaged over 16 yards a catch and had seven touchdown grabs despite being one of many weapons in Bama’s passing game. Should be a nice chess piece for Gruden and company to move around and do a variety of things with. 25. Philadelphia Eagles- LB Devin Bush, Michigan The defensive front line of the Eagles is like an impenetrable wall of concrete with razor wire and flames shooting out the top and gun turrets. ..and flying monkeys wielding sabers. And the scariest sight at the top of any wall…David Hasselhoff. Their LBs are like a super-lubed turnstile, however. Bush is a little undersized at 5’11, 230-ish, but he’s a good tackler and he can flat fly, making plays all over the field. 26. Indianapolis Colts- DL Jerry Tillery, Notre Dame I’m basically pulling crap out of a hat at this point. The Colts need a WR, but can address that later. A big boy who hits people is next on the list…hence Tillery. 27. The TBD Raiders- RB Josh Jacobs, Alabama “I’m gonna tell ya something man, we need somebody to carry the rock. I’ll tell you who carried a lot of rocks is whoever built those pyramids in Egypt, man. Where do you even find rocks in the desert, man? I mean, getting the materials alone was a problem, then you had to shape them and stack them up and they didn’t have levelers or caulk or ladders or any of that stuff back then man. That’s craftsmanship and attention to detail, man. The other best rock toters I can remember is the guys who persecuted witches and women who loved a little too freely back in the day man. You’ve got to have some real arm talent to hit a Salem witch with a hunk of marble from a distance in the face, man. That takes arm strength and rock placement. You’ve really got to be able to squeeze the chicken into the tootie. I bet those guys made good QBs, man. I bet you find the best RBs at Stonehenge man, because that is some all-time rock carrying. After I sleep for 37 seconds then mainline this Sanka and adrenaline concentrate I cooked up, I’m gonna get right on that, man.” Thanks, coach. 28. The (fill in the blank) Chargers- QB, Daniel Jones, Duke At some point, the Chargers will have to prepare for the fact that Phillip Rivers’s long and productive career is going to end. For one, he’s getting on in years, and for the other, his wife will eventually tire of raising their 17 children in his absence. Jones obviously benefitted from playing under David Cutcliffe and has the physical traits you look for at the position at 6’5, 221. He has fairly quick feet too. Good mechanics, good arm and thrived despite not having the best skill guys around him. He’s not a finished product (despite having started for three years) but would be in the great position to sit and learn for a year or two behind one of the best. 29. Kansas City Chiefs- DE/OLB Brian Burns, Florida State Once they decided to let Justin Houston walk, this became a big area of need. Florida State’s defense was like a turd on rye bread last year, but Burns was still an all-conference player. By the way, “turd on rye bread” made me imagine a sandwich artist asking me what toppings I wanted on my poop and fancy bread sammy and I laughed, because despite all the physical evidence to the contrary, I am five. Burns needs to put more weight on his tall, fairly thin frame, but he’s explosive and knows what to do when he gets in the backfield. If nothing else he can come in on passing downs and wreak havoc until he fills out a bit. 30. Green Bay Packers- WR Marquise Brown, Oklahoma The overhaul of the skill talent in Green Bay continues with this electric player. Now, he is tiny at 5’9, 166, he is Smurf-ish, but he’s like the fastest Smurf alive. Was there a Speedy Smurf? If there was he didn’t get as much screen time as Papa and the rest of them. Maybe he was out working on his game while the rest of them sat around in their shrooms, devising ways to avoid the evil wizard and his talking cat. Trippy stuff, man. What was I saying? Oh, over 1,300 yards last year, 10 touchdowns and averaged 17.6 yards-per-catch. Will have to adjust to an NFL offense and much more physical DBs, but Rodgers should love him. 31. LA Rams- OL Garrett Bradbury, N.C. State This is the perfect scenario for the Rams. They let starting center John Sullivan leave, but have the best center in the draft fall into their laps. It’s a perfect combination, kind of like steak and baked potatoes, like Batman and Robin, like Jim Beam and BB guns. 32. New England Patriots- DE/OLB D’Andre Walker, Georgia There is no way in the world the Pats actually make this pick. Some nimrod will want to move up to grab a player they could probably get in round two anyway, overpay for this and only embolden the evil that is the practice-taping, soul-sucking, flat-balled hoodie demon of Foxboro. Someone will enable them to continue the fun-killing death grip they have on the league, because they’re smart and everyone else is dumb and that’s how it goes. If they do stay put, they get an emerging pass-rusher to add to their stable. It’s a very happy ending to the proceedings for them…something their ownership is well acquainted with. |
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November 2021
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