5.It occurred to me recently that some of you might like the NFL and mock drafts and poop jokes but not, you know, words and stuff. You have to read them and then figure out what they mean and blah blah blah. As such, I’ve decided to offer up a short attention span version of my mock draft. Only note I’ll offer is that I’m giving who I think will get picked if the draft order stays as it is, which it probably won’t. I’d tell you to go read the full version but seriously, words…
1. Cleveland Browns- QB Sam Darnold, Southern Cal Good free agent moves and a competent pick at number 1? I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE CLEVELAND! 2. New York Giants- DE Bradley Chubb, N.C. State Powerful, athletic and versatile. Chubb will push the pocket. Chubb will be used in many different positions. 3. New York Jets- QB Josh Rosen, UCLA Prima donna who can’t be coached or studly, rocket-armed franchise savior? We’ll see I reckon. 4. Cleveland Browns- RB Saquon Barkley, Penn State That’s a new dress, you’ve lost weight and since when do you wax your lip Brownie? THERE’S SOMEONE ELSE ISN’T THERE?!?! WHERE HAVE THE SUCKY BROWNS GONE?!?! 5. Denver Broncos- DB Minkah Fitzpatrick, Alabama With Aquib Talib gone, the Broncos need someone who can blitz, cover and take jewelry from opposing players. Fitzpatrick can handle at least two of these things. 6. Indianapolis Colts- OL Quenton Nelson, Notre Dame Allowing your QB to be savagely violated on every snap is a net-negative for offensive production, I have learned. 7. Tampa Bay Bucs- S Derwin James- Florida State Chris Conte and Keith Tandy don’t say “frightening back end of a D” as much as they say “um, who?” James brings big-time juice to the secondary. 8. Chicago Bears- LB Tremaine Edmunds, Virginia Tech Don’t need to reach here for a receiver, which is a temptation. Don’t take “other than B.O and face tats she’s fine” when “Hotarocky” might walk through the door a little later. Take Edmunds is what I’m saying here. 9. San Francisco 49ers- DE/OLB Harold Landry They were 26th in sacks and drafted a LB last year who, um, might not be available for a while, so this makes sense. 10. The wherever they are presently located Raiders- LB Roquan Smith, Georgia Gruden will say “man” a lot and use metaphors that involve super heroes and lawn ornaments and Halloween candy that no one else understands in telling you what a stud Smith is. 11. Miami Dolphins- DT Vita Vea, Washington Could end up being a Suh clone, minus all the extraneous junk kicking. 12. Buffalo Bills- QB Josh Allen, Wyoming Throwing a ball through the uprights from your knees from 50 yards away is a sweet trick, bro. Would be cooler if you could hit receivers in the hands more. 13. Washington Redskins- DL Da’Ron Payne, Alabama I am a Redskins fan, I’d be thrilled with this pick…so we’ll take a long-snapper from West Where the Heck A&M. 14. Green Bay Packers- CB Denzel Ward, Ohio State If you want fast people to cover WRs or free tats, Columbus is a good place to look. 15. Arizona Cardinals- QB Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma I’m more worried about him adapting from the slapnuts spread offense he helmed than his minor off-field issues and major on-field hubris. 16. Baltimore Ravens- WR Calvin Ridley, Alabama They need a WR, Ozzie Newsome loves drafting Bama guys. It’s a natural match, like brown liquor and bottle rockets. 17. The Los Angeles Chargers- OL Mike McGlinchey, Notre Dame Remember what I said earlier about how not letting your QB be viciously flogged actually improves offensive efficiency. Yeah, still applies. 18. Seattle Seahawks- CB Josh Jackson, Iowa A roster that was steak and lobster two years ago is now spam burgers and poopcakes covered in green booger frosting. Jackson helps replenish the groceries. 19. Dallas Cowboys- WR Christian Kirk, Texas A&M If his teammates grow to respect him, he could be voted team captain. Captain Kirk. Get it? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! 20. Detroit Lions- DE Marcus Davenport, UTSA New HC Matt Patricia needs some pass rushers…and also a grooming kit. 21. Cincinnati Bengals- QB Lamar Jackson, Louisville Quite content to teeter between “suck” and “meh” the Bengals will actually not pick Jackson, but mock drafts need an “OH NO HE DIDN’T” moment and here’s mine. They’ll actually select a guard here. 22. Buffalo Bills- WR Courtland Sutton, SMU The Bills are totally trading this pick and their earlier one to move up and take a QB that probably won’t pan out, so it doesn’t matter what I say here, really. 23. New England Patriots- OT Kolton Miller, UCLA The flat-balled, hoodie demon of Foxboro needs a left tackle and finds a good one. 24. Carolina Panthers- S Justin Reid, Stanford… unless Marty Hurney decides to trade this pick for a second rounder next year to take a Division III QB he’s got his eye on, 25. Tennessee Titans- OL Will Hernandez, UTEP If you think of something funny to put here about a guard from UTEP, please let me know. 26. Atlanta Falcons- DT Taven Bryan, Florida I’m pretty much pulling crap out of a hat at this point. 27. New Orleans Saints- TE Hayden Hurst, South Carolina The Saints current TEs fall under the headings “I don’t know who you are” and “qualifies for social security.” Hurst will be a great target for Drew Brees. 28. Pittsburgh Steelers- LB Leighton Vander Esch, Boise State Name makes him sound like a Scandinavian pole vaulter, but he’s a versatile player with a huge upside. 29. Jacksonville Jaguars- LB Rashaan Evans, Alabama Lots of mock drafts have Lamar Jackson going here, but Bortles has the inaccurate QB from a wacky spread system thing nailed down In Jags land already. 30. Minnesota Vikings- OL Isaiah Wynn, Georgia See picks 6 and 17. 31. New England Patriots- QB Mason Rudolph, Oklahoma State Avocado enemas and uncertified stretch instructors can only preserve Tom Brady for so long… 32. Philadelphia Eagles- TE Dallas Goedert, South Dakota State Doug Pederson gets a fun toy to play with. A scary 6’4, 256-pound toy with catcher’s mitt-sized hands that will frighten the other children. Almost everyone has a thing. Let me rephrase that…most people have that one thing they are known for. In my case, for a long time, it was a massive, day-long NFL Draft party. People just generally knew they could show up at my house on day one of the NFL Draft to eat whatever meat I’d smoked, drink whatever beverages were available and to scream stuff at the TV like “we need a receiver you nimrods, don’t screw it up” or “take a fat boy that blocks, Dan” whenever the Redskins’ pick would come up. That was before Roger Gooddell ruined my life by taking the first round of the draft and sticking it on Thursday night, then two rounds on Friday and everything else on Saturday instead of starting on Saturday and finishing on Sunday like God intended. For those of us who work, it isn’t really feasible to take a day off just to cook and ice down adult beverages in anticipation of one round of the draft on a weeknight. Probably, some corporate partner that sells dry, little hamburgers got in his ear.
“Roger, so look, we feel like we’re losing a lot of money on this draft thing. If we can just sell burgers to the people that go to Travis’ house for the draft instead of them smoking a pig, we can all get raises and yachts and dancing girls and hot tubs full of bit-o-honeys.” So now, the thing I’m known for is no longer my epic draft gatherings…now it’s “maker of terrible analogies” or “guy who laughs too hard at poo jokes for a man his age” or something. This will be the fourth year-in-a-row that fellow BLAWGER James and I have done this. I’m not a senior NFL reporter, I don’t use lame ass TV analyst terms like “checking all the boxes” and I’m not a former front office executive. I’m a guy who likes the draft, bought a draft magazine and can’t have his draft party anymore. Maybe, just maybe, the thing I can be known for is putting out really wack mock drafts. We’ll see… One note, I’m giving the picks I think teams will make if they stay put in their current draft position but there will obviously be a lot of movement as teams try to go up for quarterbacks or back to accumulate picks. 1. Cleveland Browns- QB Sam Darnold, Southern Cal Look, in the past few years, Cleveland has been one of the most inept, turd fires in the annals of professional sports history. Be it trades they didn’t quite consummate because the front office was busy doing celebratory shots, accumulating a wealth of high picks that they spent on deep snappers and Division III Wing-T quarterbacks, taking personnel evaluation advice from hobos…you name a terrible, bad, misguided path and they went barreling down it at 100 miles-per-hour on a nuclear-powdered rocket bike wearing a blind fold and a “Come at me bro” t-shirt. However, they APPEAR to have hired people who actually know what they’re doing and they’ve made some wise moves in free agency. Now, Darnold isn’t my favorite QB in this class, but he seems to be the consensus top guy and to me is the safest one in a possibly great but flawed QB class. He has good anticipation, throws a catchable ball and works well on the move (according to the magazine I bought). He also turned the ball over a lot last year with fumbles being a real problem. That may stem from his tiny, little oompa loompa hands, which are more conducive to making gobstoppers than throwing a post route. As a guy coming out with two years of eligibility left, he’s not very experienced either but hopefully he can sit and learn for a little while behind Tyrod Taylor. If he can, the Browns will not only be better now, but also in years to come. 2. New York Giants- DE Bradley Chubb, N.C. State Look, I freely admit I’m going out on a limb here and I really haven’t seen anyone else with the Giants going D line this high. I just can’t convince myself that Dave Gettleman is going to take a running back here no matter how good he is, but I also don’t know that they’ll go QB at this spot. His philosophy is to build from the front line back and I think he believes he can squeeze a few more productive years out of Eli. Ideally, I think he’d upgrade their grease fire offensive line first, but I don’t see a guy worth taking at two here (which makes them a candidate to trade back to me), so Gettleman takes the best D lineman available. With the team having traded JPP (I said PP HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!) there’s a big hole to fill at pass rusher, which Chubb can totally fill. Chubb has great size (6’4, 270), tremendous athletic ability for his size (ran a 4.65), a motor that never stops and is super productive, as his 26 tackles-for-loss last year demonstrate. Yep, Chubb really pushes the pocket. Chubb can lay the wood in the run game and isn’t a liability dropping into short-area coverage. Chubb is good in space. He can play end or a sort of stand-up OLB in the team’s 3-4. They’ll love using Chubb in multiple positions. He jumpstarts the Gettleman line rebuild. 3. New York Jets- QB Josh Rosen, UCLA If you trade up to number three, you are doing so to take a QB. I mean, it’s the Jets who really don’t much know what they’re doing. They may be coming up high in hopes of landing a power-hitting infielder or that phenom Bolivian goalie. Let’s assume that they know they’re a football team…one that has taken four QBs in the last five drafts, all of whom they hate and think suck. They have two placeholders in McCown and Bridgewater, but need someone to be the face of the franchise and to guide them out of the deepest reaches of Sucky Suck Suck Canyon, where they’ve been wandering lost and thirsty on a weary donkey for years. Rosen seems to be sort of polarizing prospect. I keep reading that he might not be very coachable and has attitude problems and blah blah. I see a 6-4, nearly 230-pound gunslinger with great accuracy who oozes moxie. So maybe he’s like a pretty girl who is missing a tooth and has stank breath. Take her to the dentist, bro. Seriously, put on the film (like you have the film handy) of the UCLA-Texas A&M game from this past year and just watch him put the entire team on his back and drag them to an improbable comeback win. That’s the kind of stuff you can’t teach. I think with better talent around him and better coaching (don’t know that the Jets have these things but let’s just pretend) he will end up being the best QB from this draft…so someone will trade up to two and take him because, you know, Jets… 4. Cleveland Browns- RB Saquon Barkley, Penn State If my scenario plays out, the Browns get both their QB of the future and the draft’s most complete, ready-to-contribute player in the first four picks. The guy is like an ox with rocket hooves...well, maybe the back hooves are rockets, the front ones are like giant catcher’s mitts covered in flypaper. Seriously, he’s big, he’s fast, he’s elusive, he’s a great receiver and actually, kinda blocks when asks to. Probably won’t get away with dancing and juking as much as he did in college, but that’s seriously just nitpicking. I’ve seen him described as a bigger version of Barry Sanders, which should induce nightmares and bed poopins in everyone charged with tackling him for a living. With Duke Johnson and Carlos Hyde on hand this isn’t a giant area of need, but Barkley is just too good to pass up at this spot in my opinion. 5. Denver Broncos- DB Minkah Fitzpatrick, Alabama With Aquib Talib having been traded recently, Denver suddenly has a need for a defensive back and also for a frightening individual who steals baubles as his trade. I think this is the guy. Fitzpatrick may not be a pure, outside corner on a full-time basis (I’m not convinced he isn’t) but he dang sure can cover the slot and physically menace people as a very physical safety. He’s really good on the blitz too. He’s a versatile, intense player who should step right in and play early. 6. Indianapolis Colts- OL Quenton Nelson, Notre Dame The good thing about being a bottomless font of suck is that you can pretty much take anybody at any position and it’s probably going to be an upgrade. I almost had them addressing their complete lack of talent at LB here or making a badly needed upgrade at defensive back, but I say Nelson is the pick for this reason…basically the only resource this team has is QB Andrew Luck. Over the past few years, he’s been ground down to a fine powder and used to thicken stews behind an offensive line that isn’t a sieve as much as it’s a sieve with giant, lubricated holes, incapable of catching anything but slow-moving, obese animals and even then only for a short period of time. Guards don’t normally go this high, but Nelson is the highest-rated lineman in this draft. To be succinct, he’s a big, strong, ass-kicker who will keep Luck from being savagely violated on every dropback and also open trigundous holes in the run game. 7. Tampa Bay Bucs- S Derwin James, Florida State Having Chris Conte and Keith Tandy handling the back end of your defense doesn’t say “scary, hard-hitting ballhawks” to me as much as it says “hahahaha let’s throw the ball some more.” Both are fine role-players, but James adds some tremendous juice. He’s got the size you want at the position (6’3, 215) and crazy athletic ability (4.43 40). According to the magazine I bought, which I feel can be trusted for character analysis of football players, he’s a “first one in the weight room, last to leave practice, organizes film sessions on weekends” alpha dog leader type. So, you know, the opposite of some finger-sucking, obscene meme yelling, diver scallops from Harris Teeter stealing prospects that have come from the same school. 8. Chicago Bears- LB Tremaine Edmunds, Virginia Tech For the record, I don’t think Chicago picks here. I think Nelson is the guy they want. He’s gone, so next on the checklist is a major need for upgrades to offensive skill talent to put around Mitchy Mitch Mitchell Trubisky. Doing so here is a reach. You don’t want to reach…don’t take an “aside from the B.O and weird tats she’ll do” when “oh yeah” might come walking in the door wearing some sweet boots and a really hot hat any minute. I have no clue what that means. But my point is that you can get receivers and tight ends later (and may get lots of chances if they trade this pick to a QB-hungry team). If they stay here, they upgrade the LB position from “who?” to “holy crap!” with a freakishly talented athlete that has an unbelievable upside. Will remind some of Brian Urlacher, which you know, is a pretty good comparison. 9. San Francisco 49ers- Edge rusher Harold Landry, Boston College I was fairly torn on this pick. The team has its QB now, but his receivers fit under the headings “old,” “pedestrian” and “limbless sloth with vertigo.” Giving him better weapons has to be a goal, but I think they’ll address that need a little later. With Reuben Foster, you know, possibly not able to play football ever again, linebacker could be a consideration. I think, though, with the team having ranked only 26th in sacks last year, an edge rusher is the top need and so Landry is the pick. He didn’t have a great 2017 season but was also playing hurt. The year before, he generally menaced opposing QBs to the tune of 16.5 sacks. He doesn’t have ideal size (6’3, 250-something) but he’s got tremendous burst and creates havoc in the backfield. In a division that features Russell Wilson and Jared Goff, that’s a pretty valuable trait. 10. The whatever city they’re in now Raiders- LB Roquan Smith, Georgia “I tell you what, man, I look at my linebackers and I’m like ‘who are these guys?’ They’re anonymous, man, like they’re wearing masks or something. It’s like it’s Halloween on our defense and I’ve got the girl from ‘Frozen’ and some internet meme of a mouse eating pizza playing Will and Mike, man. The problem with that is, they aren’t getting any candy, man. Linebackers should be stealing Sweet Tarts and Neco Wafers from the other kids, but the little blue girl is just staring at the pumpkins and she’s scared of the dark, man. I need some superhero costumes in that defensive huddle. Now this Smith cat, I call him the ‘Incredible Hulk,’ man because he’s really mild-mannered and scholarly off the field, but you line him up on the strong side, man, and the scary muscles come out and he just picks tackles up and throws them out of the stadium, man. And I swear he actually turns green but that could just be the lighting or the fact that I only sleep 17 minutes a night, man and I mainline coffee grounds to stay awake and it makes me ramble on a little bit sometimes and make analogies nobody understands and I see things that maybe aren’t actually there. But the metamorphosizing green linebacker can really fling the stink bottle through the chicken hole, man. See what I mean, man. Anyway, this is a linebacker that will be eating Chick-O-Sticks for a long time., man.” 11. Miami Dolphins- DT Vita Vea, Washington With Miami having cut ties with noted junk-kicking large person Ndamukong Suh, the team suddenly has a pressing need on the interior of their defensive front line. Vea can plug that hole…and also the one in Arizona where Aunt Edna met her untimely demise. He goes 6’4 350 and here’s a scary visual…in high school he played RB. Seriously, imagine being a frail sophomore LB with that scary man boulder running at you. I would’ve “pulled a hammy” or something really quick. Football is fun and whatnot but so is eating solid food and making babies later in life, both of which would be endangered in that circumstance. Anyway, some people see him as a run down player only, but he had 8.5 sacks the last two years and moves well enough that he occasionally lined up at end. He’s raw, but you can’t coach that kind of size and power. I know a lot of Dolphins fans want the team to go QB. I get it…Ryan Tannehill, at this point, isn’t going to blossom into a superstar that singlehandedly wins you games since you have five years of evidence that says so. However, before getting hurt last year he was also a 67 percent passer, hasn’t thrown more than 12 picks in a season since 2013 and had the team in the playoffs two years ago. He’s not bad and there are more pressing needs to address now, one of which Vea handles nicely. 12. Buffalo Bills- QB Josh Allen, Wyoming There’s no way in crap Buffalo is going to end up picking in this spot. They’ll give up a king’s ransom to move up to take the QB I have them able to select at 12 anyway, because they are incredibly desperate. When you get desperate, you make poor decisions. Maybe if you hadn’t gambled away the house payment you wouldn’t have to dance at the Toolbox on Saturday nights to start with, Larry. Yes, it’s awkward that your mom’s bridge club showed up and had seats in front of the stage. Whose fault is that? What was I talking about now? Oh yeah, Buffalo has had a dicey history recently where drafting 1st-round QBs is concerned (Hello E.J. Manuel and J.P Losman…maybe the problem is taking guys with initials for a first name?) and Allen fits that “this may not work” mold. Now, he certainly looks like a stud QB…he’s 6’5, he weighs almost 240 pounds, he runs a 4.7 and can fling the tater 50 yards from his knees. He’s kind of like a cross-eyed sniper though; sure he’s got a powerful weapon at his disposal, but he can’t aim the thing. He’s as liable to maim defenseless birds or shoot someone’s grandma in the butt as hit his target. He completed 56 percent of his passes each of the last two years. Yes the talent around him wasn’t as good this past year as the season before, but you’d expect some improvement on that front and guys who can’t efficiently throw the ball in college don’t often start doing so against better defenses in more complex schemes. He did cut his interceptions more than in half, but played in fewer games, attempted 100 fewer passes and his touchdown and yardage numbers also fell off. For a big boy he’s been hurt a lot too. With his physical talent, the upside here is his own wing in Canton and the downside is E.J. Manuel’s underachieving doppelganger. 13. Washington Redskins- DL Da’Ron Payne, Alabama Being a Redskins fan for the last 25 years has been like a pool of stinky asparagus pee. In our worst years, we’re getting pulled into some soul-sucking drainage pipe at the bottom of the pool and in our best we’re standing on a diving board, not actually in the stinky liquid, but still getting a strong whiff of it. The low end is awful and the high end is “meh.” The thing is, aside from completely alienating the closest thing we’ve had to a franchise QB in three decades and letting him walk with no compensation in return whatsoever, we’ve actually made good football decisions lately. Look at the depth chart…I’m not crazy about our wide receivers AT ALL and losing Kendall Fuller in the Alex Smith trade hurt and sucked and made me sad, but other than that, we have a talented roster. Last year we were the hurtest team in NFL history, literally signing large people off the street on Thursday to start on the O-line on Sunday on one occasion. I’d never seen so many injuries. If everyone is healthy there is no reason we can’t finish off the close games we lost last year and make the playoffs. We’ll add a receiver (Lord, please let us draft a receiver) and another corner a bit later, but the area that needs addressing first is defensive tackle. Ziggy Hood is better suited as a role player at this point than starting on the nose, which is where Mr. Payne comes in. He’s a freaking monster. A big, scary, strong-as-an-bull monster who, as a bonus, is a fairly skilled technician. He’s not a big sack guy, but any sacks you get from the middle in the 3-4 is kind of gravy in my opinion. We need a chunk of hell with chainsaw hands to plug the middle and playing next to former teammate Jonathan Allen, Payne can do just that. 14. Green Bay Packers- CB Denzel Ward, Ohio State The Packers need a young, fast, active corner to boost their secondary. Denzel Ward is a young, fast, active corner. BOOM! It’s need meets, um, the thing that is needed, or whatever. 15. Arizona Cardinals- QB Baker Mayfield, Oklahoma Again, seriously doubt the Cardinals will end up picking here…and again they’ll trade up to get the guy I have available for them right here. See my earlier dissertations on the Toolbox and girls with weird tats. Sam Bradford and Mike Glennon seem an awful lot like placeholders to me, meaning that nabbing a QB is essential here, at the expense of needed upgrades at receiver and O-line. What scares me about Mayfield isn’t his minor off-field issues or his major on-field hubris, it’s that guys from slapnuts, 100-plays-a-game, shotgun, empty-set, whoop-de-doo offenses rarely translate well to the NFL. He is undersized and doesn’t have a mega-howitzer arm, having to rely on anticipation a little more than pure muscle on downfield throws. I’ll say this, though, he’s a winner and guys really, really seem to like playing with him. He could be Drew Brees or a slightly less petulant, circa 2015 JFF. We’ll see. 16. Baltimore Ravens- WR Calvin Ridley, Alabama The Ravens need offensive firepower in the worst kind of way. Aside from maybe young RB Alex Collins, there isn’t one offensive skill player on the team that scares anyone. Seriously, John Brown and Chris Moore are projected starters at WR right now and aside from their super flashy names, they combined for 39 catches last year. The team added Michael Crabtree but he averaged less than 11 yards a catch last year. Of course that makes him look like a scary football cyborg ninja with lightning legs next to tight end Chris Boyle (7.3 yards a grab the past two years). Ridley, while maybe not as big as you’d like, is explosive, is a great route runner and was able to take over games and be productive in a run-first offense where you pretty much knew he was the guy they were going to in the passing game. Ozzie Newsome also loves Alabama guys. It’s a perfect combination. It’s like peanut butter and jelly, a hand and a glove, cold medicine and 80 mule team borax, brown liquor and bottle rockets etc. 17. The Parts Unknown Chargers- OL Mike McGlinchey, Notre Dame I’ve seen a lot of stories about how the Chargers are visiting with pretty much every top QB prospect in this year’s draft. While that shows foresight and a responsible eye toward the future, it’s a mistake. Live for right now…BUY THE FERRARI ROY, SCREW THE KIDS’ EDUCATION! The Chargers have a lot of talent at a lot of positions and a QB in Phillip Rivers who I think has a few good, productive years left in him before he retires to be a full-time dad to his 37 children. The Chargers should try to win right now and using this pick on a QB (or burning assets to move up for one) doesn’t help do that. Defensive tackle is also a need but with Payne and Vea gone, there isn’t one worth taking at this spot. McGlinchey needs to get bigger and stronger but he’s a big athletic upgrade over what the team currently has at tackle. He helps protect Rivers and helps the team win now. 18. Seattle Seahawks- CB Josh Jackson, Iowa It’s kind of amazing how quickly Seattle went from having one of the best young rosters in football to a bajillion question marks. The cupboard was stocked with a sumptuous array of pastas and nut butters and gourmet bisques and now all that’s left is some cat hair and possum poop cupcakes covered in green booger frosting. Because of injuries, attrition and some bad personnel decisions, the offensive line is a tire fire (we previously discussed how allowing your QB to be viciously flogged on every play is a net-negative for offensive production), there are holes at receiver, tight end and running back and help is needed on the D line and in the secondary. To me, Jackson is a heck of a player to be available at this spot. He’s a one-year wonder, but he’s a ball-hawking corner, he’s big (a trait Seattle likes in its DBs) and fills one of the team’s biggest needs. 19. Dallas Cowboys- WR Christian Kirk, Texas A&M I think the Cowboys really want to address defensive tackle, but with the top guys gone they’ll handle that later and instead upgrade at wide receiver. I may be wrong, but I think the Cowboys are kind of in a spot with Dak Prescott where they need to decide if he is the long-term answer under center. Last year, his touchdowns, completion percentage and passing yards dropped while his interceptions went up. He had four touchdown-less games in one five-game stretch. Maybe the dynamic rookie year was a product of having the best O-line and running game in football behind him? Before he gets a mega contract, Dallas needs to find out, so I see them getting him more weapons so there are no excuses if he fails. Kirk isn’t very big (5’10) but he’s solidly built, is a big-play guy and has a nose for the end zone. Also, if he eventually earns enough trust of fellow players to be a team captain, that will make him Captain Kirk. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! 20. Detroit Lions- DE Marcus Davenport, UTSA Diddy is running out of steam here. The booger joke and Captain Kirk line in the last two picks should’ve tipped that off. The Lions need a pass rusher, Davenport is an intruiging pass rushing prospect, make the pick and let’s move on. 21. Cincinnati Bengals- QB Lamar Jackson, Louisville This will almost certainly not happen. The Bengals don’t much like change, even when what they’re doing clearly isn’t working. Nope, the milk from that hind tit tastes just fine, thank you very much. Their coach hasn’t won a playoff game in his 15 seasons, their quarterback has one TD pass in four career playoff games and the Bengals have no intention of ditching either. Different is scary and familiar is comforting, even when the thing that is familiar is getting your ass kicked by teams with better coaches and QBs. Anyway, what fun is a mock draft without a “WHOA HOLY CRAP” moment? Well, here’s mine. Jackson is not a perfect prospect by any stretch. Like Allen, he’s never completed 60 percent of his throws in a year despite playing in one of the most QB-friendly systems imaginable. He HAS TO get bigger or some DE or LB will break him and his teams seem to limp into the home stretch of a season. However, he is one of the most electric athletes to put on a helmet in a long time and has a very live arm. Witness the 3,200 yards and 39 touchdowns he has rushed for the past two years or the 7,000-plus yards and 57 touchdowns he racked up through the air. He needs time to learn and is as apt to not pan out as Allen, but with the right OC he could also be a franchise-changer. So, the Bengals, of course, will take a super safer interior lineman here instead, like James Daniels. 22. Buffalo Bills- WR Courtland Sutton, SMU The Bills will probably have to trade this pick to needlessly move up and reach for a quarterback who probably won’t pan out, so it doesn’t really matter what I put here. Um, if I were Buffalo, I would perhaps not count on Zay Jones contributing this year and would look to give my new QB some guys to throw to, hence Sutton 23. New England Patriots- OT Kolton Miller, UCLA If you look at the Pats roster, there are actually a lot of needs. Offensive skill guys, linebackers and secondary players are all needed. The flat-balled, practice-taping, hoodie devil of Foxboro has wisely collected a lot of draft assets to plug the holes, though and will somehow get his team to the Super Bowl because much as I hate it, that’s what he does. Some folks have them going WR here but I disagree. Ol’ flat-balls has NEVER used a first-round pick on a WR during his time in New England and has only taken offensive skill guys three times. I think he knows when you have a 41-year-old QB, protecting him is paramount and so he replaces the departed Nate Solder at left tackle with this freaking giant. Seriously, his picture should be on the side of a can of green beans. He goes 6’9, 310. He’s pretty athletic for a guy that size too. With the biggest need area taken care of, the Pats can get all funky with their next pick. 24. Carolina Panthers- S Justin Reid, Stanford For the sake of my pal and fellow mock-drafting BLAWGER James (a big Panthers fan...and multi-award winning videographer, just oh by the way), I hope recycled Panthers GM Marty Hurney has learned not to trade away next year’s first-rounder for a second-round pick this year that he then uses to take a small school quarterback that he plans to have play wide receiver. That’s very much akin to hiring a plumber to perform your prostate surgery. “Come on Ned, you’re used to rooting around in stinky pipes and fixin’ stuff, it can’t be that different.” Honestly, the Panthers have more needs (this year and next when a couple of starters have already announced they plan to retire) than they can expect to competently fill in one draft. O line, receiver, running back, tight end, a pass rusher and secondary help are all on the list of needs. Reid had five picks last year, isn’t afraid to mix it up against the run (99 tackles) and is apparently a very smart, assignment-sure guy (duh, he went to Stanford). They should be thrilled a player this good is still here for the taking. 25. Tennessee Titans- OL Will Hernandez, UTEP This mock draft is already way too long and there’s only so much funny stuff one can write about a guard from UTEP. They’d probably like to go with an edge rusher here but the top guys are gone, so instead they continue building an impenetrable wall of concrete and barbed wire up front with this large but nimble guard. The Titans O-line is kinda like the Berlin Wall, but instead of commies and really hot ice skaters named Katarina, Marcus Mariota and Derrick Henry are on the other side. 26. Atlanta Falcons- DT Taven Bryan, Florida Bryan seems to fit the mold of quick, upfield linemen that Dan Quinn prefers. He’s a little light in the bucket at 6’4, 290 but is extremely quick and agile for someone that size. Now, he gets by on pure talent a lot and will need a lot of grooming and experience to become a complete player (according to this magazine I bought at Ingles anyway). Seriously, he has potential out the wazoo but you know nothing can wreck a coach’s career faster than potential. Well, that and videos of doing toot at their desk… 27. New Orleans Saints- TE Hayden Hurst, South Carolina The Saints got a grand total of 45 catches, 500 yards and six touchdowns out of their tight ends last year. They signed Benjamin Watson who, while a pro’s pro and good human being, is close to the age where he should be meeting his friends Clem and Ebenezer at Hardees at 6:30 every morning to talk about the weather and rail against “these kids today.” He’s old is the point I’m making here. To maximize the few years they have left with Drew Brees under center, the team needs a major upgrade at the position and get it with probably the best all-around TE in the draft. He’s older than most prospects after playing minor league baseball, but he’s 6’4, 250, has a nice wingspan and good hands (with one career drop) and is at least willing to hit people as a blocker. He’s also athletic enough to get deep and make circus catches at times. He should step right in and contribute. 28. Pittsburgh Steelers- LB Leighton Vander Esch, Boise State The injury to Ryan Shazier creates a void at LB for the Steelers and LVB (I’ll be calling him this in lieu of continually writing his long-ass name) is an intruiging prospect at the position. He was super productive at Boise State (141 tackles with 8.5 for loss), can cover pretty well (runs a 4.65 and had four pass break-ups), has good size at 6’4 and almost 260 and room to add more weight to his frame. He could develop into a really versatile and effective weapon for Pittsburgh. 29. Jacksonville Jaguars- LB Rashaan Evans, Alabama I’ve seen some mock drafts that have the Jags going QB here, specifically Lamar Jackson. Yeah, that’s what they need…a raw QB from a spread system with accuracy issues…THEY TOTALLY DON’T ALREADY HAVE SOMEONE MATCHING THAT DESCRIPTION! With a roster this ready to win now, I don’t get why they didn’t chase a free agent QB, but they didn’t so Bortles it will be. This pick should address one of the team’s few needs. Evans is active, tough, smart and makes tons of plays in the backfield (13 TFLs and six sacks last year). He makes an already scary defense even better. 30. Minnesota Vikings- OL Isaiah Wynn, Georgia Hey, you remember when I said I was struggling to churn out comedic fodder about a guard? You may not. That was, like, five picks ago and we’ve both changed as people so much since then. Well, just trust that I said it and that it still applies here. The Vikings now have the QB to go along with all their crazy skill talent and they’ve built a dang good defense but need to protect him. I’ve mentioned how allowing defenders to brutally diddle your playcaller is not conducive to offensive excellence…not that I expect you to remember that, we’ve both been so busy since pick number six. Wynn played tackle at Georgia but at a hair under 6’3 may not in the pros, but he could certainly swing inside to guard if not, help keep Kirk Cousins clean and plow the ground for Dalvin Cook. 31. New England Patriots- QB Mason Rudolph, Oklahoma State WHAAAAA?!?!?! OH NO YOU DIDN’T!!! OH YES I DID!! OOOOHHHH SNAP! YUP YUP!!!! Look, Tom Brady is obviously one of the best-conditioned athletes in the history of forever and didn’t appear to have lost a thing last year at age 40. However, I don’t care how many avocado smoothie enemas he gives himself, by athlete standards he is a fossil and will either get hurt or fall off a cliff performance-wise at some point. The team, in a rare gooberish, sticking with a guy too long move, kept him and sent QB Jimmy G packing, getting not enough return. So, a young QB to groom is essential and I say Rudolph is the guy. He has great size (6’5), a strong arm and is very productive. He’s not a freaky athlete, but he’s not terrible outside the pocket either and learned to take better care of the ball as time went on. Specialized in making big plays in the passing game. Obviously, he needs time to learn to run an NFL offense and to actually read defenses and go through progressions, but so long as he isn’t rushed on the field I think he can be the guy who takes on the gigantic burden of replacing Brady. 32. Philadelphia Eagles- TE Dallas Goedert, South Dakota State Philly having a TE named “Dallas” is like the Red Sox signing a pitcher named Babe McYankeeface or UNC signing a point guard named Dookie K Heelsuck. The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have a lot of pressing line-up holes to fill. They need to add a LB and a RB at some point, but with Zach Ertz and a list of people I heretofore did not know existed on this planet the only options at TE, Goedert will be a good addition. He isn’t a great blocker at this point, but he has the size you want at the position (6’4, 256) and he catches most everything near him. He’s a super productive player (162 catches, 2,400 yards and 18 TDs the past two seasons), is athletic enough to flex outside on occasion and will make a fun toy for Doug Pederson to play with. |
TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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