Do I bring experience and insight into this exercise? No. Am I well connected with movers and shakers in NFL front offices? Negative. Have I carefully analyzed the strengths of draftable prospects and matched it with the glaring needs present on professional rosters? Fraid not. Do I have cold beer and a football magazine I bought at the grocery store a few weeks back. You're dang skippy. When you get right down to it, most people who do mock drafts are completely full of crap, they just use BS phrases like "arm talent" and "escapability" and "five technique" to make themselves sound knowledgable. I don't pretend to be credible, I just write some stuff about football, make a poop joke and go about my day. As I did that with the first version of my mock draft, the world pooped on me in the form of a trade. My fellow BLAWGGER James also did a mock draft and we decided to drop them at the same time. We published them, then I set about letting people know about our mocks through a tweet. I sent one plugging his and was typing mine...as I did, I heard on the radio that the Rams had traded a bunch of picks and Jeff Fisher's beard to move up to number one. Seriously, that happened AS I WAS TYPING A TWEET TO LET THE WORLD KNOW OF MY MOCK DRAFT MASTERWORK. So, before anyone knew it was even there, it was dated and irrelevant. James, being a consumate pro, amended his. I didn't because, frankly, no one is paying me to do this crap. It's a vehicle for poop jokes with some football sprinkled in, read it or don't read it, diddy's pockets ain't getting fatter or thinner either way. But, I have a little free time now, don't particularly feel like channeling my efforts to anything work related and would like to see if I can improve on last year's showing when I totally nailed four of 32 picks.
Los Angeles Rams- QB Jared Goff, California Fisher said a few weeks ago that he was confident in Case Keenum's ability to effectively run his team's offense...then he whispered off mic "into the ground" and made a poot noise with his armpit. The Rams are in a new city, needed to make a splash and a blockbuster deal to go up and get a quarterback was the way to do it. Goff got the bejabbers beaten out of him at Cal but hung in there and made impressive throws, so he's obviously pretty tough. He has tiny, elfin, baby hands and needs to bulk up, but gets a checkmark in most other areas. The Rams have gotten it right at almost every position on the field except quarterback and receiver. I don't know if this pick qualifies as "getting it right" but it's hard to see how it isn't an improvement over what's currently on hand. Philadelphia Eagles- QB Carson Wentz, North Dakota State The Eagles traded with Cleveland, who was totally not ever going to keep the second pick and take a QB despite having "He's hurt," "I didn't realize he played football" and "non-descript oldster" on the depth chart at the position right now. The Eagles actually do have some sort of competent quarterbacks, but the new coach wants his guy and Wentz is it. Wentz did play at a lower level, but he's a winner with good size, a strong accurate arm and mobility. He also makes good decisions, as evidenced by the 14 picks he threw in 612 college passing attempts. The one knock there is 612 college passing attempts...that's not exactly a wealth of experience, so he may need to sit and learn for a while, but the long-term payoff could worth it. San Diego Chargers- DB Jalen Ramsey, Florida State I'm tempted to change my original pick here. Honestly, the Chargers have more pressing needs. Their offensive line is bad (they could grab a tackle at this spot) and Phillip Rivers will be throwing to people who are either old (Antonio Gates, Stevie Johnson) or who suffered rutured giblets last season (Keenan Allen), but Ramsey is a "too good to pass up" player at this point. He has sudden, explosive speed and change-of-direction ability, great size, good instincts and is versatile enough to play corner or safety. He could end up being the best player in the draft and the Chargers get him at number three. Dallas Cowboys- DE Joey Bosa, Ohio State A lot of people seem to think the Cowboys will go for their quarterback of the future here, but I disagree. Jerry Jones wants to win now, has just enough talent on hand to think he's close and having a highly paid clipboard holder isn't going to get the Cowboys closer to the promised land. They could probably use a corner or receiver or even a running back here (I gave a lot of consideration to Elliot at this spot), but they've dug themselves quite a hole in the "dudes who rush the passer" category. Unfortunately, they invested heavily in this position last year, but did so in the form of one guy who is just a complete tool and another who really likes smoking the reefers. Two of their defensive ends will be serving four-game suspensions to start the year. Enter Bosa...who doesn't seem to have any real flaws in his game. He's big, fast enough, very competitive, strong against the run and pass and super productive. He's a safe pick at a spot where the Cowboys haven't played it safe, much to their own detriment. Jacksonville Jaguars- LB Myles Jack, UCLA In breaking news, Jacksonville is not a complete trash fire at this point. They're set at QB, RB and WR and the offensive line has made some big strides. Now, if their defense can just ween itself off the hind tit to which it has become tragically addicted, they might actually start winning some football games. They could go for a DB or pass-rusher here, but Jack would give their middling linebacker corps a shot of energy. Jack plays a little smaller than his size and is coming off an injury that is apparently scaring some teams, but he's got crazy athletic ability and is terrific covering tight ends and maybe even slot guys. Combined with Dante Fowler's return (the first round pass rusher from last year who tore his knee in camp) this pick starts to give the Jags real pieces to work with...marking the first time "Jacksonville Jaguars" and "real pieces" have appeared in the same sentence without the qualifiers "ain't got no" or "of dookie." Baltimore Ravens- OL Laremy Tunsil, Ole Miss I had Tunsil as my tentative number one pick in the first version of this draft, but the QB moves to the top knock him down a bit. I've seen some projections that have Ronnie Stanley actually passing Tunsil as a prospect, but I don't buy it. When you have a big, slow quarterback coming off a knee injury, you need some large people to block for him. Tunsil is a large person who can block with scary long Go-Go Gadget arms and freaky athletic talent for a big dude. Sure, he had a few minor off-field indiscretions that worry some people, but hey, it's not like stole seafood from Harris Teeter or anything. He's a steal at this spot and he's need meets, uh, thing that's needed. Like mustard to a hot dog, or fire to kindling or cough syrup to the cheapest vodka at the ABC store...or something like that. San Francisco- OL Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame Coach Kelly, your defensive line is depleted, your secondary is a turd fire and you have the weakest wide receivers west of Cleveland. Which area will you address with your first-round pick? "O-line. Yep, got to fortify a line of protection to ward off the wandering nomadic tribes and the Unicorns that all want to steal my magic tomatoes." I was thinking quarterback, maybe. Lynch is still on the board, it seems like you are going to dump Kaepernick and you seem like a guy who can never get enough quarterbacks. You had, like, 12 in Philly. "Misconception, fed by the lamestream media. The truth is out there on shortwave Skippy. You say I had all the quarterbacks, I say I had none. Have you ever worn a kilt with no undies? The salty breeze off the Pacific dries out a fellow's dinky. Quarterbacks are superfluous in my brave new football world. I'll go six wide with nobody in the backfield and D coordinators will wilt from the pure confusion." I don't understand anything you say, coach. "You ever lay naked in the desert smoking fishhook barrell cactus needles and drawing plays up in the sand with a Whatchamacallit candy bar? Learned the hard way you do it laying on your side. The sand is hot and scorpions are a real thing. I'm gonna have tight ends snapping the ball to linebackers and I'll only punt when it's second and short. Element of surprise, Sun Tzu. I'm bringing back the wedge and I'm gonna line up 28 healthy tackles in a symmetrical bunch to do it. 'The man' isn't making rules for old Naked Desert Kelly. You can't block the blockers, or tackle the tacklers or park on the parkway. I am now going to laugh in maniacal fashion and stroke my non-existent beard." OK coach, good talk. Cleveland Browns- QB Paxton Lynch, Memphis I don't think the Browns will actually pick here. They'll panic, crap their pants and trade all the picks they got to go down to go back up, or they'll move down to collect more picks they'll either waste or trade FOR EVEN MORE PICKS UNTIL THEY HAVE ALL THE PICKS, or they'll pick a person named "Barkevious" even though no one bearing that name is draft eligible, or a kindly old man may offer to trade them a sack of magic beans for the pick. Who the hell knows with the Browns, but you have to put somebody here in a mock draft. Since Cleveland got its team back, the hallmark of the franchise has been sucking at football, largely because they've lined up a collection of Who-ey Whothehell and the Pick-Six All-Stars under center. Seriously, they've tried burned out retreads (Jeff Garcia and Jake Delhomme) terrible draft picks (JFF, Brandon Weeden, Spergon Wynn...SPERGON WYNN TOOK SNAPS IN A REAL NFL GAME FOR THE BROWNS) and people who fall into the "who are you and why are we paying you money" category (Charlie Frye, Thad Lewis) They signed RG3 as a free agent but there is certainly no guarantee that he's an answer. They need to draft a QB, groom him, give him weapons and grow with him. Lynch certainly looks like a quarterback with his 6'7, 240-pound frame. He has good feet for a guy so big, has a strong arm and put up good numbers. A lot of that came against lesser competition, but then he looked like the best quarterback in the country against Ole Miss, right before looking like Picky McCan'tThrow against Auburn in the Birmingham Bowl. He generally didn't play as well down the stretch, either. He'll need time to adapt to a pro-style offense where he doesn't get to throw a kajillion screen passes every week, but I've read that Coach Hue Jackson likes him and a big strong guy at the position is a plus given the crap weather in Cleveland late in the season. Granted, he'll be going to a team with no running game and receivers who couldn't catch a cold if they licked a grimy door knob at a free clinic, but the Browns have to start somewhere. Tampa Bay Bucaneers- DE Shaq Lawson, Clemson Having William Gholston and Jacquies Smith playing defensive end doesn't scream "my what a fierce tandem of edge rushers"... I think it screams "HAHAHAHA let's throw the ball on every down, this is fun." Tampa Bay managed to get its franchise quarterback, two starting offensive linemen and a crap-kicking linebacker with their top four picks last year; quite a haul. Now, to take the next step, they need to plug holes in the defensive line and the secondary. A lot of people seem to think they'll go with a corner since their secondary was so putrid last year, but part of that was the anemic pass rush so I say Lawson is the selection. I remember seeing Lawson play in high school and he actually looked like a dad playing in the backyard with his kids...one who is kind of an ass about it, spiking the ball in his daughter's face and telling his seven-year-old son he should pee sitting down after he trucks him at the goal line. I'll freely admit my bias here, being a Clemson fan, but I don't know that he won't end up being better than Bosa. Bosa is a few inches taller and Lawson only has one year as a starter on his resume, but that resume includes the phrases "led the county in tackles-for-loss (25.5)," "had 12.5 sacks" and "generally menaced opposing quarterbacks." He's athletic, plays hard, is nearly impossible to keep out of the backfield, plays both the run and pass well and is versatile enough, I think, to play in any scheme. New York Giants- DT DeForest Buckner, Oregon The Giants have several positions of need...the position they were most comfortable with last year was the one where they hold onto their ankles in the fourth quarter. They set a record for most blown leads in the final two minutes of games in a season and lost EIGHT FRIGGIN' GAMES by six points or less. That makes it sound like they are really close to being good, but when you find a new and creative way to poop the bed every week, I think it might actually demonstrate a lot of problems. They began the process by hiring a new head coach...one who either looks like one of Bill Swerski's Superfans, or like an actor portraying a pool boy or pizza delivery guy in a certain genre of film in the 1970s. A running back to chew some clock late in games would help, so would interior linemen to block for him, or linebackers, or another defensive back, but I'm going D-tackle here. The Giants got some pass rush help through free agency by signing Olivier Vernon, but inside they have a tremendous bag of derp. That's where Buckner comes in. He's physically huge (standing over 6'6) strong, athletic and hyper-productive, as his 10.5 sacks and eye-popping 83 tackles bear out. He is, frankly, a complete steal this low and fits right into the Giants' philosophy that you can never have too many good pass rushers. If Buckner should go earlier and Jack falls as some predict, the Giants will pounce on him instead and still get great value at this spot. Chicago Bears- CB Vernon Hargreaves III, Florida If the season started now, the Bears would have Bryce Callahan, a 5'9 undrafted rookie last year from Rice, starting at one cornerback spot. Also if the season started now, Aaron Rodgers and Teddy Bridgewater would throw for 78,000 miles against Chicago. Hargreaves plays with an attitude, has terrific coverage skills and can play the ball in the air. He's a day one starter who will help the Bears defense continue the improvement it began last year. New Orleans Saints- DT A'Shawn Robinson, Alabama Last year, the Saints were 31st against the rush, 31st against the pass and were last in scoring defense. Even while finding two good starters at linebacker in the draft last year, the Saints defense was like a seven-layer salad of doo doo, dirty sticks, spoiled ham, lemur hair, mentholum, rancid pudding and vegan cheese. Imagine granny whipping that up and bringing it to the family reunion..."Ya'll come finish up the seven-layer salad now, I don't wanna have to take none of this home." ANYWAY, because of that near-historic level of suck, the urge to grab a receiver or quarterback of the future will have to wait. Robinson isn't really explosive and doesn't make a ton of plays in the backfield, but he's a very big, strong dude that ties up blockers and pushes the pocket. He just turned 21 so there's plenty of upside in terms of developing pass rush moves, but he'll be solid up the gut from the get-go and New Orleans will totally take that. Miami Dolphins- RB Ezekiel Elliot, Ohio State The Dolphins completely luck into getting the guy they wanted at a huge position of need. Miami's depth chart at running back with Lamar Miller having bolted is Ajayi, Pead and Thomas. That sounds like a law firm that runs scuzzy TV ads urging you to join some class action suit. "If you are a man who ate Larry Bob's Old-Fashioned Nanner Pudding and suddenly developed large, firm boobies that you just spend all day staring at in a mirror, call the firm of Ajayi, Pead and Thomas today!" Elliot is a complete back that can run, catch and actually block. He should be a standout from Day one. Oakland Raiders- CB Mackensie Alexander, Clemson Remarkably, after being a bottomless font of suck for many, many moons, the Raiders are actually an up-and-coming team with some exciting, young talent at many positions. The secondary is not one of those positions...some habits die hard man, they die hard. Kind of like that uncle that nobody talks about, who disappears into the shed every afternoon and comes back with white Krylon all over his face accusing the weedeater of stealing his pants, or something like that. Anywho, Oakland's best player in the secondary last year was Charles Woodson, an old person who has now stopped playing football. Really, they've got almost nothing on the back end, so enter Alexander, a super competitive guy, who is sticky in coverage and is a pretty good tackler by cornerback standards. He had zero career picks, but that was more because quarterbacks don't throw at him than because of a lack of ability. He's only got average size, but it didn't seem to hurt him in college. He's rarely beaten and will be a great fit with the Raiders. Tennessee Titans- OL Jack Conklin, Michigan State Have you ever taken the time to throughly wash your flashy, expensive car? I mean washing, waxing, scrubbing the tires and throwing away all the empty styrofoam Bojangles cups in the floorboards. You're proud of a job well done and the sparkly, impressive results...then a bird takes a giant dump on the hood. That's sort of what is going to happen to the Titans, with QB Marcus Mariota being the car and defensive ends being the bird poop...scary, 300-pound bird poops with short-area quickness wearing helmets (as an aside, I make really terrible analogies). Mariota had a terrific rookie year, completing more than 62 percent of his passes, throwing 19 touchdowns to 10 picks and showing off some impressive wheels. He was also beaten unmercifully behind a craptastic offensive line and missed all of four games and parts of a few others with injury. The Titans have one good tackle in Taylor Lewan and now they are able to bookend him with one of the top-tier tackle prospects even after moving down 14 slots via trade. Conklin is a big physical run blocker who gets to the second level well (according to this magazine anyway) and seems like he's good in pass protection from the few games of his I watched. Detroit Lions- OL Taylor Decker, Ohio State With the retirement of Calvin Johnson, maybe the most freakishly gifted athlete to ever play the position, I'm super tempted to start a run on wide receivers here. Right now the Lions figure to start Marvin Jones and Golden Tate at wide receiver, a tandem that sounds competent, but not scary. Coleman/Fuller/Doctson/Treadwell would add some pop, but if Matt Stafford is laying on his back, staring at the sky, or ceiling, or what the hell ever is above the Lions when they play, it doesn't matter who the receivers are. Stafford was sacked 44 times last year and the Lions running game was dead last in the league...indicators that a big ol' burly mofo is needed up front. Decker has great size, lateral quickness and seems equally good run-blocking or pass protecting. Atlanta Falcons- LB Reggie Ragland, Alabama You ever watch that awful show "Chopped" on the Food Network. Basically, they give chefs a basket full of strange food items, then budget them a limited amount of time to use them all in whipping up a dish. "Today you have...a pound of previously chewed Hubba Bubba bubble gum, a sheet of notebook paper and a dead hippie. You have 20 minutes to make us a delicious dessert...GO!" That's kind of what happened to Atlanta Falcons head coach Dan Quinn last year. He's reputed to be a defensive wizard, but he was handed a basket of crap to cover and block people with. The Falcons COULD NOT rush the passer, mustering an anemic 19 sacks. That's a bad number but here's a worse one...they allowed a league worst 5.4 yards-per-carry on runs up the middle. So teams, naturally, just ran it up their dumper in the second half of the season. Ragland can help fix that. He isn't super fast, but he's 260 pounds of "OOH LAW DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!" He covers OK in a short area and is alright at rushing the passer, but you ain't running for 5.4 yards a carry on him. Physical, sheds blocks, puts people on the ground. He's an instant upgrade over, um, anybody that played the middle for the Falcons last year. Indianapolis Colts- C Ryan Kelly, Alabama It's funny cuz I've already mentioned that letting people savagely violate your quarterback is not conducive to a productive offense. I have little in the way of funny to offer here. Indy was crippled by sucky center play last year, Kelly does not suck at playing center...VOILA! Buffalo Bills- DT Robert Nkemdiche, Ole Miss Some people think there are more red flags here than at an "I heart commies" parade. But really, who among us hasn't taken synthetic drugs to skirt onerous pee testing, thought we were being attacked by a dragon and jumped off a hotel balcony to escape his firey breath and razor claws? Did you ever play Dig Dug on Atari? Fygar the Dragon would &*%$ you up man. Dig Dug fought him and the Pookas with a bicycle pump. He's braver than you and me and Robert. Now what was I talking about? Pee tests? Atari? Ah, Nkemdiche. Off-field stuff aside, there are legitimate questions about this guy's game. He wasn't all that productive, notching seven sacks and 19 tackles for loss (two more than Buckner had last season alone) in three years (though he did force six fumbles this past year). Maybe he wasn't used correctly, maybe it's because he attracted double and triple teams, but the numbers weren't really there. What is there is crazy, off-the-charts athletic talent for a 6'4, 300-pounder. He played some actual snaps at RB for the Rebels. Seriously, he has more upside than ANYBODY, it's a just a matter of getting there. Rex Ryan, I'm betting, will think he's just the guy to get it out of him. Tantilized by talent, Buffalo will not pass on a chance to take him, dreaming of the carnage a motivated, productive Nkemdiche next to Marcell Dareus would create. He'll either be Vernon Gholston, the sequel or the crazy cross-breeding of John Randle and Fygar. There will be no in-between. New York Jets- LB Leonard Floyd, Georgia If the Jets want to stop being the sad sack play thing for the flat-balled, soulless hoodie demon in Foxboro they need to mount more of a pass rush. Denver showed in the AFC Championship Game that an explosive outside rush can totally short-circuit New England's quick, short, passing game, which is it's bread-and-butter. Floyd is on the wiry side, but runs 4.6 or a little under, has some nice pass-rush moves and plays hard. He also, unlike some edge-rush types, seems to not mind mixing it up against the run and has some coverage skills. He'd be a pretty good piece in the larger "We're tired of ol' flat balls beating us twice-a-year" puzzle. Washington Redskins- DL Sheldon Rankins, Louisville Rankins may not actually be available this low, but let the Redskins fan dream, OK. Truthfully, we were not a playoff-worthy team last year, we just happened to the best of a sorry lot in a poop pile of a division. MORE LIKE NFC LEAST, AMIRITE?!?!?! HEPRDY DIDDLY HAW HEE!!!! Seriously, we improved, especially on offense and showed some fight in winning our last four games to claim a post-season slot, but we were completely exposed when we played out of our division, particularly on defense. That was demonstrated well in the first-round loss to Green Bay, who came in struggling badly on offense. Their overweight running back ran through us like a Golden Corral buffet...he had a football under one arm and the chocolate wonderfall under the other as he gashed us right up the gut. Rankins would help on that front. He's a squat, thick, strong player who was part of a very good defense in college. When I watched him, he looked like he never quit on a play, got a dang good push (14 sacks his last two years) and anchored against the run well. I've read that he needs more variety in his pass-rush moves and can sometimes play a little upright, but he's only 21, so there's room and time for him to mature. I'll take a hustling big guy who can make us better against the run right now. As an aside, I wouldn't be upset if we addressed our atrocious secondary here with CB Eli Apple. Houston Texans- WR Will Fuller, Notre Dame And my run on wide receivers begins. This feels late for my first one to be going, but with teams throwing it so much, oddly, receivers have been devalued instead of more coveted, since it feels like you can plug most anybody in and get production and colleges are turning out so many of them now. Still, the Texans just spent a buttload of cash on a new QB who really just has one weapon at his disposal (NUUUUUUK!!!!!). Fuller is a legit 4.3 guy who can take the top off a defense and open things even more for Hopkins. He averaged 20 yards a catch last year, had 14 touchdowns and didn't do it some slapnuts, 100-snaps a game offense. He has some drop issues but I think his physical skills will trump those. Minnesota Vikings- WR Laquan Treadwell, Ole Miss The Vikings are addicted to speed...so are people who hang around truck stops and rest areas at 2 a.m. "The coffee ain't doing its job, I'm doing sleep nods at the wheel and I got a Kenworth full of logs to pull to Shakytown, brother, you got some toot for your boy Rubber Duck?" Don't trade your dignity for some cheap greenies, Rubber Duck! Um, OK, what I'm getting at is Cordarrelle Patterson, Mike Wallace et al have been big disappointments and it has stunted the offense's development. They actually did hit on Stefon Diggs in the fifth round last year, who showed some home-run potential, but they should compliment him with a sure-handed, productive guy who has good size. Some people seem disappointed that Treadwell ran slow 40s at his pro day, but watch him play and remember that plenty of Hall of Fame receivers ran 4.6ish. He'll be a very dependable target for Teddy Bridgewater who moves the sticks. He isn't a blazer, but he gets open and catches passes, which lots of the Vikings speed guys have not done recently. Cincinnati Bengals- WR Corey Coleman, Baylor The Bengals lost their number two and three receivers to free agency, so if they wish to maintain their proud tradition of making the playoffs, then choking on a fat one in the first round every year, they need something other than "to be determined" penciled in at the number two receiver spot. The thing with Coleman is, he played in the aforementioned slapnuts, 100-snaps a game offense. Baylor skill guys recently haven't really translated to the NFL. Coleman is fast, has good hands and put up inane numbers for the Bears, including 20 flippin' touchdown catches last year. He is also small, can't really block and has never had to compete for balls in traffic. He's just run hitches, ins and screens for the most part. So, there will be a big learning curve, but I think his talent will translate and you can't teach the nose for the end zone he has. He'll be a good compliment to A.J. Green and help uphold the inability to finish when it counts that the Bengals have become known for. Pittsburgh Steelers- CB Eli Apple, Ohio State Apple would be a PLUM pick for the Steelers. They need a top BANANA in the secondary and Apple is just the guy to fill the role...at first I wasn't going to go there, but I did and it was worth it. Totally worth it. Fruit jokes kill it, yo. Seriously, the Steelers secondary is a complete grease fire. Apple has good size for a corner, has the athletic ability you're looking for and is pretty physical. The Steelers should use another pick on the position too...find someone to PEAR Apple with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Seattle Seahawks- OL Cody Whitehair, Kansas State The Seattle offensive line wasn't a turnstisle last year as much as it was a freshly lubricated turnstile with rocket boosters. Maybe trading the only person equipped to keep Russell Wilson from unsightly weekly beatings for a tight end that didn't fit the offense wasn't the shrewdest of moves, hmm? Whitehair is strong, moves pretty well blah blah draft him. Green Bay Packers- DL Vernon Butler, Louisiana Tech B.J. Raji deciding to take a year hiatus left a very large hole in the middle of the Green Bay defense. This guy's nickname is "Big Vern" which sounds like the name of a shady car dealer, one who wants to know what it will take to put you in this pre-owned Tercel, today big man. At 6'4, 325ish, Butler is big enough to plug a hole, like the one in Arizona the Griswalds looked at right before they realized Aunt Edna was dead. Kansas City Chiefs- LB Darron Lee, Ohio State The Chiefs probably had the best draft of any team last year, starting with defensive rookie of the year Marcus Peters, who picked off eight passes. The Chiefs are very happy to have Peters. What would they do without Peters? They are very proud of their Peters. They greatly value their Peters (snicker, chuckle). It's hard to imagine Lee being available this late, really, but here he is for the taking. Kansas City has a couple of starting linebackers on the wrong side of 30, so it's time for an infusion of youth. Lee can blitz (12 sacks and 27.5 tackles-for-loss in two years), cover (three picks), is a pretty sound tackler and is good in pursuit. I think if you're looking for fast linebackers or free tats, Ohio State is the place to look. New England Patriots- NO DAMN BODY! HAHAHAHA!!!! Arizona Cardinals- Noah Spence, Eastern Kentucky Did you realize Frostee Rucker plays for the Cardinals? What a name man. "Frostee Rucker" sounds like the star of some weird Arctic porno. "Starring in 'The South Pole'...it's Frostee Rucker baw chicka bow wow!!!!" What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. Nothing at all. Observation, do with it what you will. The Cardinals are one of the league's most balanced teams, with talent at most every position. They were top 10 in the league in rushing, passing and scoring on offense and defense. They could maybe use another corner, but most of the first-round ones are gone at this point. A tight end upgrade might help, but it feels early for that at this point. So I think they maybe look to get better at one of the linebacker positions by rolling the dice on Spence. His stats were gaudy last year, as he had 22.5 tackles-for-loss, 11.5 sacks and three forced fumbles. You might say that he didn't play against the highest level of competition (hey, neither did Khalil Mack in college) but two years prior, he had 14.5 tackles-for-loss and eight sacks for Ohio State. Of course he was at Ohio State and ended up at Eastern Kentucky...which is kind of why a 260-pound wrecking ball is available this low. He was dismissed from the Buckeyes for two positive tests for ecstasy. But, being so good at so many spots, the Cardinals can afford to take a chance, and how many raves do they have in Phoenix anyway? Carolina Panthers- DE Kevin Dodd, Clemson I'm pretty well torn on this one. The Panthers could use a field-stretching receiver and Josh Doctson is there for the taking, but they've spent high picks there the past two years, Kelvin Benjamin is coming back from an injury and they had a productive passing offense last season with what looked like spare parts. Offensive tackle may be the biggest need. They did fine with Remmers and Oher playing the two tackle spots, until the Super Bowl, when their lack of protection made their quarterback all pouty and junk. I could totally see them going for Germain Ifedi from Texas A&M and the position needs addressing at some point. Since my first mock draft they also let Josh Norman walk so there is now a big ass hole in the secondary. William Jackson III is the best corner left and would be a nice fit and value here, but the Panthers don't put a huge premium on the secondary, usually relying on mid-round picks and cheap veteran signings instead. They build in the trenches and a young defensive end is a high priority to pair with budding star Kony Ealy, as Charles Johnson is getting older and is on a one-year deal...I think Dodd is the guy and a great value at this spot. I'm often leery of one-year wonders and Dodd certainly is one. Consider that he had 23.5 tackles-for-loss last year...after having 21 career tackles, period, coming into the year. He also had an unblockable quarterback-killing cyborg lined up opposite him, so he rarely saw double teams. Still, he has the frame you're looking for (nearly 6'5, 280), he plays his butt off and dadgum he is productive. 62 tackles, 23.5 TFLs, 12 sacks...and he saved his best game for the biggest stage, racking up three sacks in the national title game against Alabama, just curb-stomping what was supposed to be an impenetrable block of SEC granite. I've seen some mock drafts with him going considerably higher, so the Panthers would be lucky to snap him up here. The scary thing is, he could just be scratching the surface... Denver Broncos- QB Connor Cook, Michigan State Right now, the Broncos QB depth chart includes Mark Sanchez and Trevor Siemian...or Butty McFumbles and WHO????? Not ideal successors to a Super Bowl winning quarterback and holder of every passing record in the history of ever. I don't know if Cook is either, but I also know he isn't Mark Sanchez or Trevor Siemian. Cook has good size, a strong arm, is pretty nimble and doesn't turn it over much. There's some holes too...namely a pretty subpar completion percentage. I don't know if Ifedi or Alabama defensive lineman Jarran Reed wouldn't be better picks here, but somebody's got to chunk it...preferably someone not named Mark Sanchez or Trevor Siemian. Note: If the Broncos trade for Kaepernick, Ifedi is the pick here.
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Do I bring experience and insight into this exercise? No. Am I well connected with movers and shakers in NFL front offices? Negative. Have I carefully analyzed the strengths of draftable prospects and matched it with the glaring needs present on professional rosters? Fraid not. Do I have cold beer and a football magazine I bought at the grocery store last week. You're dang skippy. When you get right down to it, most people who do mock drafts are completely full of crap, they just use BS phrases like "arm talent" and "escapability" and "five technique" to make themselves sound knowledgable. I don't pretend to be credible, I just write some stuff about football, make a poop joke and go about my day. So here it is, my 2016 mock draft.
Tennessee Titans- OL Laremy Tunsil, Ole Miss Have you ever taken the time to thoroughly wash your flashy, expensive car? I mean washing, waxing, scrubbing the tires and throwing away all the empty styrofoam Bojangles cups in the floorboards. You're proud of a job well done and the sparkly, impressive results...then a bird takes a giant dump on the hood. That's sort of what is going to happen to the Titans, with QB Marcus Mariota being the car and defensive ends being the bird poop...scary, 300-pound bird poops with short-area quickness wearing helmets (as an aside, I make really terrible analogies). Mariota had a terrific rookie year, completing more than 62 percent of his passes, throwing 19 touchdowns to 10 picks and showing off some impressive wheels. He was also beaten unmercifully behind a craptastic offensive line and missed all of four games and parts of a few others with injury. The Titans have one good tackle in Taylor Lewan, so they should bookend him with the best offensive lineman in the draft to protect their fledgling stay quarterback. Sure, Tunsil was suspended for some minor transgressions at Ole Miss, if by "minor transgressions" you mean "was given three cars, free lodging and airline tickets" but hey, it's not like he shoplifted from Publix or anything. He's a big, explosive, long-armed athletic freak for a man his size who will help Mariota live a relatively poop-free existence. Cleveland Browns- QB Carson Wentz, North Dakota State They could also go with California QB Jared Goff, or they could irrationally trade up one spot to get the quarterback they want even though Tennessee isn't taking a quarterback, or they'll trade down to take a person named "Barkevious" or a kindly old man may offer to trade them a sack of magic beans for the pick. Who the hell knows with the Browns? Since Cleveland got its team back, the hallmark of the franchise has been sucking at football, largely because they've lined up a collection of Who-ey Whothehell and the Pick-Six All-Stars under center. Seriously, they've tried burned out retreads (Jeff Garcia and Jake Delhomme) terrible draft picks (JFF, Brandon Weeden, Spergon Wynn...SPERGON WYNN TOOK SNAPS IN A REAL NFL GAME FOR THE BROWNS) and people who fall into the "who are you and why are we paying you money" category (Charlie Frye, Thad Lewis) They signed RG3 as a free agent but there is certainly no guarantee that he's an answer. They need to draft a QB, groom him, give him weapons and grow with him. Wentz played at a lower level, but he's a winner with good size, a strong accurate arm and mobility. He also makes good decisions, as evidenced by the 14 picks he threw in 612 college passing attempts. Granted, he'll be going to a team with no running game and receivers who couldn't catch a cold if they licked a grimy door knob at a free clinic, but the Browns have to start somewhere. San Diego Chargers- DB Jalen Ramsey, Florida State Honestly, the Chargers have more pressing needs. Their offensive line is bad and Phillip Rivers will be throwing to people who are either old (Antonio Gates, Stevie Johnson) or who suffered ruptured giblets last season (Keenan Allen), but Ramsey is a "too good to pass up" player at this point. He has sudden, explosive speed and change-of-direction ability, great size, good instincts and is versatile enough to play corner or safety. He could end up being the best player in the draft and the Chargers get him at number three. Dallas Cowboys- DE Joey Bosa, Ohio State A lot of people seem to think the Cowboys will go for their quarterback of the future here, but I disagree. Jerry Jones wants to win now, has just enough talent on hand to think he's close and having a highly paid clipboard holder isn't going to get the Cowboys closer to the promised land. They could probably use a corner or receiver or even a running back here, but they've dug themselves quite a hole in the "dudes who rush the passer" category. Unfortunately, they invested heavily in this position last year, but did so in the form of one guy who is just a complete tool and another who really likes smoking the reefers. Enter Bosa...who doesn't seem to have any real flaws in his game. He's big, fast enough, very competitive, strong against the run and pass and super productive. He's a safe pick at a spot where the Cowboys haven't played it safe, much to their own detriment. Jacksonville Jaguars- LB Myles Jack, UCLA In breaking news, Jacksonville is not a complete trash fire at this point. They're set at QB, RB and WR and the offensive line has made some big strides. Now, if their defense can just ween itself off the hind tit to which it has become tragically addicted, they might actually start winning some football games. They could go for a DB or pass-rusher here, but Jack would give their middling linebacker corps a shot of energy. Jack plays a little smaller than his size and is coming off an injury, but he's got crazy athletic ability and is terrific covering tight ends and maybe even slot guys. Combined with Dante Fowler's return (the first round pass rusher from last year who tore his knee in camp) this pick starts to give the Jags real pieces to work with...marking the first time "Jacksonville Jaguars" and "real pieces" have appeared in the same sentence without the qualifiers "ain't got no" or "of dookie." Baltimore Ravens- OL Ronnie Stanley, Notre Dame When you have a big, slow quarterback coming off a knee injury, you need some large people to block for him. Stanley is a large person who can block and, as a bonus, he has two first names. It's need meets, uh, thing that's needed. Like mustard to a hot dog, or fire to kindling or cough syrup to the cheapest vodka at the ABC store...or something like that. San Francisco- QB Jared Goff, California Coach Kelly, your offensive line is ineffective, your defensive line is depleted, your secondary is a turd fire and you have the weakest wide receivers west of Ohio. Which area will you address with your first-round pick? "Quarterback. Yep, quarterback, can't have enough of them. I had 27 quarterbacks in Philly and it worked exactly as I envisioned." You wanted to suck? "Misconception, fed by the lamestream media. The truth is only on shortwave Skippy. Yep, first round, I'm going quarterback, second round I'm going quarterback, third round it's a quarterback." But maybe Kaepernick just needs better weapons and, you know, Gabbert played pretty well last year too. "You ever lay naked in the desert smoking fishhook barrel cactus needles and drawing plays up in the sand with a Whatchamacallit candy bar? Learned the hard way you do it laying on your side. I'm gonna have tight ends snapping the ball to linebackers and I'll only punt when it's second and short. Element of surprise, Sun Tzu. I'm bringing back the wedge and I'm gonna line up 15 quarterbacks in a symmetrical bunch to do it. 'The man' isn't making rules for old Naked Desert Kelly. When I have all the quarterbacks I have all the power...now I'm going to laugh maniacally!" Alrighty. Philadelphia Eagles- RB Ezekial Elliot, Ohio State The Eagles have more pressing needs, but they've hired an offensive coach who has to have a lead back to make it go. Right now, the talent-level of Eagles running backs lies somewhere between "below average" and "overweight person born without legs." Elliot is the most complete back in the draft with the ability to run, catch, block and administer a good verbal rootin' to coaches who don't give him the rock enough. Tampa Bay Bucaneers- DE Shaq Lawson, Clemson Having William Gholston and Jacquies Smith playing defensive end doesn't scream "my what a fierce tandem of edge rushers"... I think it screams "HAHAHAHA let's throw the ball on every down, this is fun." Tampa Bay managed to get its franchise quarterback, two starting offensive linemen and a crap-kicking linebacker with their top four picks last year; quite a haul. Now, to take the next step, they need to plug holes in the defensive line and the secondary. While I could see them going for Vernon Hargreaves or Mackenzie Alexander here (both of whom would be good picks) or DeForest Buckner, I say Lawson is the selection. I remember seeing Lawson play in high school and he actually looked like a dad playing in the backyard with his kids...one who is kind of an ass about it, spiking the ball in his daughter's face and telling his seven-year-old son he should pee sitting down after he trucks him at the goal line. I'll freely admit my bias here, being a Clemson fan, but I don't know that he won't end up being better than Bosa. Bosa is a few inches taller and Lawson only has one year as a starter on his resume, but that resume includes the phrases "led the county in tackles-for-loss (25.5)," "had 12.5 sacks" and "generally menaced opposing quarterbacks." He's athletic, plays hard, is nearly impossible to keep out of the backfield, plays both the run and pass well and is versatile enough, I think, to play in any scheme. New York Giants- DT DeForest Buckner, Oregon The Giants have several positions of need...the position they were most comfortable with last year was the one where they hold onto their ankles in the fourth quarter. They set a record for most blown leads in the final two minutes of games in a season and lost EIGHT FRIGGIN' GAMES by six points or less. That makes it sound like they are really close to being good, but when you find a new and creative way to poop the bed every week, I think it might actually demonstrate a lot of problems. They began the process by hiring a new head coach...one who either looks like one of Bill Swerski's Superfans, or like an actor portraying a pool boy or pizza delivery guy in a certain genre of film in the 1970s. A running back to chew some clock late in games would help, so would interior linemen to block for him, or linebackers, or another defensive back, but I'm going D-tackle here. The Giants got some pass rush help through free agency by signing Olivier Vernon, but inside they have a tremendous bag of derp. That's where Buckner comes in. He's physically huge (standing over 6'6) strong, athletic and hyper-productive, as his 10.5 sacks and eye-popping 83 tackles bear out. He is, frankly, a complete steal this low and fits right into the Giants' philosophy that you can never have too many good pass rushers. Note: Buckner's stock seems to be rising from what I'm reading, so I'm just gonna go ahead and reserve the right to move him up at some point, which I can totally do, because this is only the JENKINS MOCK VERSION 19.78!!!! Chicago Bears- CB Vernon Hargreaves III, Florida If the season started now, the Bears would have Bryce Callahan, a 5'9 undrafted rookie last year from Rice, starting at one cornerback spot. Also if the season started now, Aaron Rodgers and Teddy Bridgewater would throw for 78,000 miles against Chicago. Hargreaves plays with an attitude, has terrific coverage skills and can play the ball in the air. He's a day one starter who will help the Bears defense continue the improvement it began last year. New Orleans Saints- DT A'Shawn Robinson, Alabama Last year, the Saints were 31st against the rush, 31st against the pass and were last in scoring defense. Even while finding two good starters at linebacker in the draft last year, the Saints defense was like a seven-layer salad of doo doo, dirty sticks, spoiled ham, lemur hair, mentholatum, rancid pudding and vegan cheese. Imagine granny whipping that up and bringing it to the family reunion..."Ya'll come finish up the seven-layer salad now, I don't wanna have to take none of this home." ANYWAY, Robinson isn't explosive and doesn't make a ton of plays in the backfield, but he's a very big, strong dude that ties up blockers and pushes the pocket. He just turned 21 so there's plenty of upside in terms of developing pass rush moves, but he'll be solid up the gut from the get-go and New Orleans will totally take that. Miami Dolphins- LB Darron Lee, Ohio State They traded for Kiko Alonzo to shore up middle linebacker, but they could use some juice at outside linebacker. Lee can blitz (12 sacks and 27.5 tackles-for-loss in two years), cover (three picks), is a pretty sound tackler and is good in pursuit. I think if you're looking for fast linebackers or free tats, Ohio State is the place to look. Bout all I got on this'n. Oakland Raiders- CB Mackensie Alexander, Clemson Remarkably, after being being a bottomless font of suck for many, many moons, the Raiders are actually an up-and-coming team with some exciting, young talent at many positions. The secondary is not one of those positions...some habits die hard man, they die hard. Kind of like that uncle that nobody talks about, who disappears into the shed every afternoon and comes back with white Krylon all over his face accusing the weedeater of stealing his pants, or something like that. Anywho, Oakland's best player in the secondary last year was Charles Woodson, an old person who has now stopped playing football. Really, they've got almost nothing on the back end, so enter Alexander, a super competitive guy, who is sticky in coverage and is a pretty good tackler by cornerback standards. He had zero career picks, but that was more because quarterbacks don't throw at him than because of a lack of ability. He's only got average size, but it didn't seem to hurt him in college. He's rarely beaten and will be a great fit with the Raiders. L.A. Rams- QB Paxton Lynch, Memphis I read something recently where Rams Coach Jeff Fisher said he was confident that Case Keenum could effectively lead his team's offense. Then he grabbed a freezer bag and headed to the shed where he keeps his weedeater. See what I've done here...Lego joke...one thing builds off the next. Personnel-wise, the Rams seem to have gotten it right everywhere except at QB and WR. I don't know if Lynch is right, either. He sure looks like a quarterback (6'6, 240 with nimble feet for a dude his size), has a good arm and posted great numbers. A lot of that came against lesser competition, but then he looked like the best quarterback in the country against Ole Miss, right before looking like Picky McCan'tThrow against Auburn in the Birmingham Bowl. He generally didn't play as well down the stretch, either. Still, he seems to have some tools to work with and would certainly appear to be an upgrade over what's currently on hand. Detroit Lions- OL Jack Conklin, Michigan State With the retirement of Calvin Johnson, maybe the most freakishly gifted athlete to ever play the position, I'm super tempted to start a run on wide receivers here. Right now the Lions figure to start Marvin Jones and Golden Tate at wide receiver, a tandem that sounds competent, but not scary. Coleman/Fuller/Doctson/Treadwell would add some pop, but if Matt Stafford is laying on his back, staring at the sky, or ceiling, or what the hell ever is above the Lions when they play, it doesn't matter who the receivers are. Stafford was sacked 44 times last year and the Lions running game was dead last in the league...indicators that a burly mofo is needed up front. Conklin is a big physical run blocker who gets to the second level well (according to this magazine anyway) and seems like he's good in pass protection from what I watched. Also, Cary Conklin, who played quarterback for the Redskins for about 10 minutes in the early 90s, is a scout for the Lions. That's his dad. So, OF COURSE little Jacky is a sleeper, a steal this late in the proceedings...better than Tunsil by a dang mile. Maybe if Cary had whipped Jack's tail when he got lippy with Aunt Ruthie or got caught smoking Lucky's in the 10th grade, he wouldn't have to wipe that tail for him now. He'll never change if you keep enabling him. Nepotism sucks! Make him tote his own water and be his own man and stop mooching off the glorious Conklin name, you weenie. Note: I've read up on it and the two are actually not related at all, in any way, even a little...certainly not father and son. JENKINS MOCK 19.78 apologizes for the error...or not, since I'm not bothering to change what I wrote. Knew it when I wrote it. All for yucks here people... Atlanta Falcons- LB Reggie Ragland, Alabama You ever watch that awful show "Chopped" on the Food Network. Basically, they give chefs a basket full of strange food items, then budget them a limited amount of time to use them all in whipping up a dish. "Today you have...a pound of previously chewed Hubba Bubba bubble gum, a sheet of notebook paper and a dead hippie. You have 20 minutes to make us a delicious dessert...GO!" That's kind of what happened to Atlanta Falcons head coach Dan Quinn last year. He's reputed to be a defensive wizard, but he was handed a basket of crap to cover and block people with. The Falcons COULD NOT rush the passer, mustering an anemic 19 sacks. That's a bad number but here's a worse one...they allowed a league worst 5.4 yards-per-carry on runs up the middle. So teams, naturally, just ran it up their dumper in the second half of the season. Ragland can help fix that. He isn't super fast, but he's 260 pounds of "OOH LAW DON'T HIT ME AGAIN!" He covers OK in a short area and is alright at rushing the passer, but you ain't running for 5.4 yards a carry on him. Physical, sheds blocks, puts people on the ground. He's an instant upgrade over, um, anybody that played the middle for the Falcons last year. Indianapolis Colts- C Ryan Kelly, Alabama It's funny cuz I've already mentioned that letting people savagely violate your quarterback is not conducive to a productive offense. I have little in the way of funny to offer here. Indy was crippled by sucky center play last year, Kelly does not suck at playing center...VOILA! Buffalo Bills- DT Robert Nkemdiche, Ole Miss Some people think there are more red flags here than at an "I heart commies" parade. But really, who among us hasn't taken synthetic drugs to skirt onerous pee testing, thought we were being attacked by a dragon and jumped off a hotel balcony to escape his firey breath and razor claws? Did you ever play Dig Dug on Atari? Fygar the Dragon would &*%$ you up man. Dig Dug fought him and the Pookas with an bicycle pump. He's braver than you and me and Robert. Now what was I talking about? Pee tests? Atari? Ah, Nkemdiche. Off-field stuff aside, there are legitimate questions about this guy's game. He wasn't all that productive, notching seven sacks and 19 tackles for loss (two more than Buckner had last season alone) in three years (though he did force six fumbles this past year). Maybe he wasn't used correctly, maybe it's because he attracted double and triple teams, but the numbers weren't really there. What is there is crazy, off-the-charts athletic talent for a 6'4, 300-pounder. He played some actual snaps at RB for the Rebels. Seriously, he has more upside than ANYBODY, it's a just a matter of getting there. Rex Ryan, I'm betting, will think he's just the guy to get it out of him. Tantalized by talent, Buffalo will not pass on a chance to take him, dreaming of the carnage a motivated, productive Nkemdiche next to Marcell Dareus would create. He'll either be Vernon Gholston, the sequel or the crazy cross-breeding of John Randle and Fygar. There will be no in-between. New York Jets- LB Leonard Floyd, Georgia If the Jets want to stop being the sad sack play thing for the flat-balled, soulless hoodie demon in Foxboro they need to mount more of a pass rush. Denver showed in the AFC Championship Game that an explosive outside rush can totally short-circuit New England's quick, short, passing game, which is it's bread-and-butter. Floyd is on the wiry side, but runs 4.6 or a little under, has some nice pass-rush moves and plays hard. He also, unlike some edge-rush types, seems to not mind mixing it up against the run and has some coverage skills. He'd be a pretty good piece in the larger "We're tired of ol' flat balls beating us twice-a-year" puzzle. Washington Redskins- DL Sheldon Rankins, Louisville Rankins may not actually be available this low, but let the Redskins fan dream, OK. Truthfully, we were not a playoff-worthy team last year, we just happened to the best of a sorry lot in a poop pile of a division. MORE LIKE NFC LEAST, AMIRITE?!?!?! HEPRDY DIDDLY HAW HEE!!!! Seriously, we improved, especially on offense and showed some fight in winning our last four games to claim a post-season slot, but we were completely exposed when we played out of our division, particularly on defense. That was demonstrated well in the first-round loss to Green Bay, who came in struggling badly on offense. Their overweight running back ran through us like a Golden Corral buffet...he had a football under one arm and the chocolate wonderfall under the other as he gashed us right up the gut. Rankins would help on that front. He's a squat, thick, strong player who was part of a very good defense in college. When I watched him, he looked like he never quit on a play, got a dang good push (14 sacks his last two years) and anchored against the run well. I've read that he needs more variety in his pass-rush moves and can sometimes play a little upright, but he's only 21, so there's room and time for him to mature. I'll take a hustling big guy who can make us better against the run right now. As an aside, I wouldn't be upset if we addressed our atrocious secondary here with CB Eli Apple. Houston Texans- WR Will Fuller, Notre Dame And my run on wide receivers begins. This feels late for my first one to be going, but with teams throwing it so much, oddly, receivers have been devalued instead of more coveted, since it feels like you can plug most anybody in and get production and colleges are turning out so many of them now. Still, the Texans just spent a buttload of cash on a new QB who really just has one weapon at his disposal (NUUUUUUK!!!!!). Fuller is a legit 4.3 guy who can take the top off a defense and open things even more for Hopkins. He averaged 20 yards a catch last year, had 14 touchdowns and didn't do it some slapnuts, 100 snaps a game offense. He has some drop issues but I think his physical skills will trump those. Minnesota Vikings- WR Laquan Treadwell, Ole Miss The Vikings are addicted to speed...so are people who hang around truck stops and rest areas at 2 a.m. "The coffee ain't doing its job, I'm doing sleep nods at the wheel and I got a Kenworth full of logs to pull to Shakytown, brother, you got some toot for your boy Rubber Duck?" Don't trade your dignity for some cheap greenies, Rubber Duck! Um, OK, what I'm getting at is Cordarrelle Patterson, Mike Wallace et al have been big disappointments and it has stunted the offense's development. They actually did hit on Stefon Diggs in the fifth round last year, who showed some home-run potential, but they should compliment him with a sure-handed, productive guy who has good size. Some people seem disappointed that Treadwell ran slow 40s at his pro day, but watch him play and remember that plenty of Hall of Fame receivers ran 4.6ish. He'll be a very dependable target for Teddy Bridgewater who moves the sticks. He isn't a blazer, but he gets open and catches passes, which lots of the Vikings speed guys have not done recently. Cincinnati Bengals- WR Corey Coleman, Baylor The Bengals lost their number two and three receivers to free agency, so if they wish to maintain their proud tradition of making the playoffs, then choking on a fat one in the first round every year, they need something other than "to be determined" penciled in at the number two receiver spot. The thing with Coleman is, he played in the aforementioned slapnuts, 100-snaps a game offense. Baylor skill guys recently haven't really translated to the NFL. Coleman is fast, has good hands and put up inane numbers for the Bears, including 20 flippin' touchdown catches last year. He is also small, can't really block and has never had to compete for balls in traffic. He's just run hitches, ins and screens for the most part. So, there will be a big learning curve, but I think his talent will translate and you can't teach the nose for the end zone he has. He'll be a good compliment to A.J. Green and help uphold the inability to finish when it counts that the Bengals have become known for. Pittsburgh Steelers- CB Eli Apple, Ohio State Apple would be a PLUM pick for the Steelers. They need a top BANANA in the secondary and Apple is just the guy to fill the role...at first I wasn't going to go there, but I did and it was worth it. Totally worth it. Fruit jokes kill it, yo. Seriously, the Steelers secondary is a complete grease fire. Apple has good size for a corner, has the athletic ability you're looking for and is pretty physical. The Steelers should use another pick on the position too...find someone to PEAR Apple with. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Seattle Seahawks- OL Taylor Decker, Ohio State The Seattle offensive line wasn't a turnstile last year as much as it was a freshly lubricated turnstile with rocket boosters. Maybe trading the only person equipped to keep Russell Wilson from unsightly weekly beatings for a tight end that didn't fit the offense wasn't the shrewdest of moves, hmm? Decker is big, moves well blah blah draft him. Green Bay Packers- DL Vernon Butler, Louisiana Tech B.J. Raji deciding to take a year hiatus left a very large hole in the middle of the Green Bay defense. This guy's nickname is "Big Vern" which sounds like the name of a shady car dealer, one who wants to know what it will take to put you in this pre-owned Tercel, today big man. At 6'4, 325ish, Butler is big enough to plug a hole, like the one in Arizona the Griswalds looked at right before they realized Aunt Edna was dead. Kansas City Chiefs- CB William Jackson III, Houston The Chiefs probably had the best draft of any team last year, starting with defensive rookie of the year Marcus Peters, who picked off eight passes. The Chiefs are very happy to have Peters. What would they do without Peters? They greatly value their Peters (snicker, chuckle). They lost Sean Smith, last year's other starting corner, in free agency, so they need to address the position. Jackson is a good height/speed prospect who picked off five passes last year. New England Patriots- NO DAMN BODY! Arizona Cardinals- Noah Spence, Eastern Kentucky Did you realize Frostee Rucker plays for the Cardinals? What a name man. "Frostee Rucker" sounds like the star of some weird Arctic porno. "Starring in 'The South Pole'...it's Frostee Rucker baw chicka bow wow!!!!" What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. Nothing at all. Observation, do with it what you will. The Cardinals are one of the league's most balanced teams, with talent at most every position. They were top 10 in the league in rushing, passing and scoring on offense and defense. They could maybe use another corner, but most of the first-round ones are gone at this point. A tight end upgrade might help, but it feels early for that at this point. So I think they maybe look to get better at one of the linebacker positions by rolling the dice on Spence. His stats were gaudy last year, as he had 22.5 tackles-for-loss, 11.5 sacks and three forced fumbles. You might say that he didn't play against the highest level of competition (hey, neither did Khalil Mack in college) but two years prior, he had 14.5 tackles-for-loss and eight sacks for Ohio State. Of course he was at Ohio State and ended up at Eastern Kentucky...which is kind of why a 260-pound wrecking ball is available this low. He was dismissed from the Buckeyes for two positive tests for ecstasy. But, being so good at so many spots, the Cardinals can afford to take a chance, and how many raves do they have in Phoenix anyway? Carolina Panthers- DE Kevin Dodd, Clemson I'm pretty well torn on this one. The Panthers could use a field-stretching receiver and Josh Doctson is there for the taking, but they've spent high picks there the past two years, Kelvin Benjamin is coming back from an injury and they had a productive passing offense last season with what looked like spare parts. Offensive tackle may be the biggest need. They did fine with Remmers and Oher playing the two tackle spots, until the Super Bowl, when their lack of protection made their quarterback all pouty and junk. I could totally see them going for Germain Ifedi from Texas A&M and the position needs addressing at some point. However, this team is generally defense first and another young defensive end is a high priority to pair with budding star Kony Ealy, as Charles Johnson is getting older and is on a one-year deal...I think Dodd is the guy and a great value at this spot. I'm often leery of one-year wonders and Dodd certainly is one. Consider that he had 23.5 tackles-for-loss last year...after having 21 career tackles, period, coming into the year. He also had an unblockable quarterback-killing cyborg lined up opposite him, so he rarely saw double teams. Still, he has the frame you're looking for (nearly 6'5, 280), he plays his butt off and dadgum he is productive. 62 tackles, 23.5 TFLs, 12 sacks...and he saved his best game for the biggest stage, racking up three sacks in the national title game against Alabama, just curb-stomping what was supposed to be an impenetrable block of SEC granite. The scary thing is, he could just be scratching the surface... Denver Broncos- QB Connor Cook, Michigan State Right now, the Broncos QB depth chart includes Mark Sanchez and Trevor Siemian...or Butty McFumbles and WHO????? Not ideal successors to a Super Bowl winning quarterback and holder of every passing record in the history of ever. I don't know if Cook is either, but I also know he isn't Mark Sanchez or Trevor Siemian. Cook has good size, a strong arm, is pretty nimble and doesn't turn it over much. There's some holes too...namely a pretty subpar completion percentage. I don't know if Ifedi or Alabama defensive lineman Jarran Reed wouldn't be better picks here, but somebody's got to chunk it...preferably someone not named Mark Sanchez or Trevor Siemian. |
TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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