"BBQ Pitmasters" contestants...what a bunch of hams! See what I did there? A ham is both a cut of meat one could smoke and also a showy person who engages in comedically outrageous behavior. Homonyms are hilarious!
Anyway, the new season of Pitmasters began with a "sneak peak" episode on Monday. If you're a long-time fan of the show, as I am, you noticed a couple of changes. For the past few years, the show has been staged at the site of an established barbecue competition, including not too far up the road in Tryon, N.C. The judges have been at a table on a stage with the big "BBQ Pitmasters" trailer behind them. That is not the case this year. It looked like they were in someone's barnyard, sort of. The intro said they were "just outside of Austin" which is a tad vague. They should have just said they were in "Parts Unknown" which is the place most masked wrestlers are from. Maybe Thunderfoot Number 2 could have been a guest judge...showed us, the viewer, around Parts Unknown. Nice place I bet. Anyway, the trailer was gone and, not being set up at a festival, there were no on-lookers. Judges Myron Mixon, Tuffy Stone and "Big" Moe Cason were sitting at a ground-level table near the competitors. The format is pretty much unchanged...the contestants are given two cuts of meat and given a fixed amount of time to cook them. Unlike past seasons, though, the judging is not blind. Typically, folks turned in their boxes and "headed to the pit" where they watched as the judges ate and critiqued what they'd just cooked. This year, they turn their boxes in, then stand right in front of the judges for feedback. I wasn't sure how much I liked this idea at first. If a person just spent 12 grueling hours cooking a whole, fresh ham, will a judge be willing to look at them and say "this tastes like the bottom of my dang boot, if I'd just used my dang boot to stomp out a flaming dog turd" like they would when not having to look them in the eye? Myron's reaction to poorly-cooked food is one of the most entertaining parts of the show. My fears were allayed quickly, though. One of the contestants started talking smack to another and Myron cut him off with "if talking could win the sumbitch, you'da done won it." So we're cool there, but sadly, turn-in official Lauren Vera was nowhere to be found. For a long time, the turn-in official on the show was just some yokel, the mayor of the town they were in or whatever. You know, if they were at a competition in Nebraska or something, the mayor would try to act all folksy and would try to work in a plug that the Corn County Moose Lodge was about to have their annual Corncob Cotillion, and who needs that mess when you're trying to watch Pitmasters? They went to one, permanent turn-in official a season or two back, that being Ms. Vera. She certainly wasn't hard to look at, but she also really brought some personality in the brief amount of camera time she was allotted. Did I mention the not hard to look at part already? You have access to Google, if you feel the need to verify my claims. The only other change was subtle. The show was a bit more produced and utilized some more artistic kinds of cutaways and angles. I'm not an expert on such things, but the look was a little glossier and of higher quality I think too. With all that out of the way, let's get down to business. This season is of the "all-star" variety, with all the opponents having previously won on the show. Buzzie Hughes, a Texan, was one of the contestants. He looked very Texan and his assistant...if Doc Holliday and Rollie Fingers could have had a love baby, it would've looked like this guy. Up next was David Bouska, a butcher from Oklahoma, who looks for all the world like Milton Waddams from "Office Space." Hey Dave, is there any salt in this rub? "I said no salt Señor, NO SALT!" I couldn't resist. Lastly was the aptly-named Michael Character, a verbose restauranteur from Georgia. The three were tasked with cooking a whole bone-in ham and Cowboy steak. Character lost to Bouska in a previous episode that involved cooking a whole ham, so he dubbed the slab of pork haunch he was about to smoke as being his "revenge ham." Am I the only one who thinks "revenge ham" sounds like the crappiest Marvel Comics superhero ever? It could be a pig that avenges the wronged, defending the defenseless with his mighty bacon blade! Am I the only one who thinks "bacon blade" sounds like something other that a superhero weapon? Am I the only one who thinks I should just move along now? Bouska injected some stuff in his ham that seemed odd to me, including vegetable protein, phosphates and peach juice. Everybody tries to use peach stuff because Myron is from Georgia and likes peaches. He used a pellet-cooker powered by cherry wood. Character bragged about using an old-school stick burner, so he immediately became my favorite for taking the hardest, most authentic path possible. Buzzie used a big-ass thing he called "The Iron Maiden." So, maybe he bought it at Bruce Dickinson's yard sale, or maybe it's just made of iron and he thought that name would be awesome. No telling. It actually contained a smoker, an oven and "a steak drawer" which falls into the bacon blade, sounds kinda dirty category to me. Anyway, the judges unleashed a curveball on the contestants once they were cooking. They were going to have to compete in a "one-bite challenge" with the winner getting to decide who would turn their ham and steaks in, in which order, which is an advantage. The three were told that they had 30 minutes to cook up some ground lamb and had to use Kingsford Charcoal to cook it. "Umm, I actually bought a few bags of 'Jimmy Jack's hunks of black junk' and was hoping to use that." Nobody said that...of course everyone is using Kingsford. None of the three had cooked much lamb. Then we cut to each of the guys at the grill doing whatever they were gonna do with the lamb. "I've got lamb balls," Character said. It's ground meat? How could he tell it was the lamb's ba...oh wait...he meant he was making lamb balls. All of them did. "Michael had big balls," Buzzie said. None of those comments were incidental. It's like with the "Deflategate" stuff in the NFL. Reporters delighted in talking about droopy balls, saggy balls, deflated balls etc., and do you know why? Because deep down, beneath our adult exteriors, we're all 5-year-old boys. That's why. Anyway, Buzzie apparently had the best balls, lamb balls...he used mushrooms with them and whatnot. He decided he'd go first, then Character, then Bouska. Buzzie, much to my chagrin, deboned his ham which caught the attention of the judges. "The closer to the bone, the better the flavor," said Tuffy. I'm gonna let that comment go...it's a difficult thing to do...but I'm letting it pass by. After the lamb ordeal I think it may be best. He had a bit of trouble with the Iron Maiden, struggling to get the temp where he wanted it, which is a problem when cooking a big dense ham. Once he did get it going and started to glaze the ham, Myron actually approached him, which is something else new. He asked about the glaze he was using, which turned out to be a moonshine mustard honey glaze that he'd never used before. Big risk, Myron told him. Buzzie had no trouble with the steak which looked like 100 shades of HOLY CRAP deliciousness. A cowboy steak is sort of like a bone-in ribeye and Tuffy noted it was a "non-working muscle." More jokes I'm going to leave sitting on the table there. Character momentarily forgot about his steak, which he was cooking on a grill. It got a little burned, but it must've still tasted good. "Mama mia, that'sa gooda steaka," Character said as his body was momentarily possessed by the spirit of Chef Boyardee or something. Character also spoke highly of his "revenge ham" saying it was sweet. Bouska worried that his ham wasn't as moist as it needed to be, then he began rubbing something he called "barbecue mud" all over his steak...the name of which sounds like the punchline to a cookout/poop joke I might tell on July 4 or something. Eww. The contestants made their presentation boxes and turned them in, then got ready to face the music. Buzzie went first. Big Moe said his sliced ham was dry but that the pulled he included was better. Myron said the sliced was pretty good but the chopped was terrific, partly because of the wacky-doo, slapnuts moonshine mustard thing he concocted. All agreed the steak was fantastic. Character, to help mitigate the damage of his slightly burned steak, turned in slices instead of the whole steak. Myron was hip to the trick though and rebuked him sternly. "You brought shame to Georgia!" he said. Holy Wow! Why not just say something about his mama and deliver a boot-kick to the nards. "Decatur frowns upon your meat shenanigans Michael!" Crap man. I'd hate to bring shame on my whole state. You have to be an elected official to do that here, though, I think. Seriously, Character seems like a great cook, but he needs some work on presentation, which hurt him when last he faced Bouska. He just sorta sits a few pieces in the box instead of making it symmetrical and really filling it up the way judges seem to like. Bouska got high marks for his box and was complimented on the fact that his rubs, injections and sauces enhanced the ham's flavor. They also seemed crazy about the barbecue mud covered steak. The only detractor, really, was Tuffy, who said the ham was dry and asked Bouska if he was happy with it when he closed the box. Bouska got a little hung up answering him. After further discussion among themselves, the judges said Character finished in third place. Myron told him that his revenge ham wasn't sweet enough, but didn't say he'd embarrassed the eastern hemisphere or anything. That left Buzzie and Bouska. And the winner is...BOUSKA! He now moves on to the next round. The next episode airs tonight (Thursday). I hope to have the review posted in the next day or so, but until then, try to exercise you non-working muscles. For more information on the show and to see some videos of this and other shows, go right here.
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TV sucks. I'd like to put my writing skills and fancy book learnin' to better use than that with some more nuanced descriptions, but I think "sucks" pretty much says it when describing the current state of television programming. I grew up with about five channels and I seem to remember there always being something on worth watching...or maybe I wasn't smart enough as a kid to know good programming when I saw it. Well, I have several hundred channels now and can't find a thing to watch. I don't really like reality shows that much, especially since they generally center around people whose only discernable talent is being conceited or having a large butt. The conceited big butt reality phenomenon has become quite pervasive. There are dozens of shows about really catty, mean-spirited housewives. They all live lives I haven't ever experienced in places I haven't been and really like themselves. Maybe one day the housewives shows will be set on a mill hill and be filled with ladies named Sheila who smoke unfiltered Luckys and make casseroles while deriding their husbands as being "no count." That I might watch.
Naked is big on TV now...on channels you don't have to pay extra for, I mean. Naked in the woods, naked dating and my personal favorite, the naked house-buying show. I'm trying to imagine how that one was even conceived. "Hey, people love shows about buying houses. They're a big hit. How can we get some of that action, but do it differently?" a TV weasel thinks to himself. "Maybe we could put hillbillies in a mansion in Beverly Hills. Nah, that's been done to death. Wait, I've got it! The people buying the houses will be naked! They'll do normal house-buying stuff, you know, checking out crown molding and whatnot, but with no pants on." It would be really hard for me to discuss pre-approved loans and square footage if I was sharing space with someone whose stuff was uncovered. Maybe it's just me. That feels like you're running out of ideas and just going for shock value, which wears off pretty quickly. Maybe one of the food channels could have "The Naked Chef." It would be a trained chef who cooks stuff, but is naked. You wouldn't want to miss the "frying bacon" episode. Speaking of cooking shows, I used to enjoy watching Food Network programming, but the reality show and competition trend has wormed its way into the format and has gotten out of hand. Maybe you are entertained by trained culinary professionals having to make a meal out of a pint of marmot pee, cotton balls and a dead hippie for a panel of irritable judges. I'm not so much. I highly recommend you watch the video at this link (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NSDkrec2OGc) and tell me if the ideas pitched in that comedy sketch are any dumber than "Kitchen Casino." It's gotten to the point that the only things I look forward to watching are football (which is a few months away) and "BBQ Pitmasters." I like football because, duh, it's football. "BBQ Pitmasters" appeals to me on several levels. You may have noticed the name of this blog is "Pigskin and Pigskins" not "The bean curd and cabbage jubilee." I like to cook barbecue, I like to eat it, I like to watch other people cook it and eat it, so Pitmasters is right up my alley. Granted, it's in the food competition vein, but it's done well and one of the judges is an ill-tempered, foul-mouthed, Southern barbecue genius named Myron Mixon. I can relate to loud Southerners who like to eat ribs and cuss. The show rarely manufactures dumb drama or digs into the backstory of the competitors for some weepy, sob-story angle. "Old Bob from Team Bob-O-Que...Lord help him his granddiddy got drunk in the woods and got his ice et up by a boar. Awful way to go. I mean, his maw maw says his granddiddy really ran off with some ho lady, but they don't want Bob thinking ill of his granddiddy's moral fiber, so they sold him that bill of goods about getting loaded and ate by a feral pig. Anyway, he swore to defend his granddiddy's honor by killing and eating every pig in his path from now to eternity." Nobody wants to hear that crap. What you want to hear is judges busting each other's chops, contestants talking smack and people making amazing barbecue...in a public forum so I can steal their recipes and techniques. There was a long gap after last season ended and there aren't a ton of reruns on Destination America, which I kind of like actually...the show doesn't get oversaturated and you're always wanting more. Well, the wait is finally over. On Memorial Day, traditionally one of the biggest days for grilling and barbecuing, Destination America showed a Pitmasters marathon, capped by a "sneak peak" of the new season. It wasn't what I really think of as a sneak peak, though, since they showed a whole episode. That's more of a gawk or a gander, but I'm not complaining. So, since the point of this blog is to write about football and barbecue, I've decided to review the new episodes each week...at least until some lawyer or someone calls and tells me I can't anymore. An episdoe one review will be coming up shortly. Celebrate people...Pitmasters is back...for an hour a week, TV isn't gonna suck. Want more info on the show? Check it out right here. I love bacon. I love everything about it, from the smokey flavor to the crunch, to the little pieces of fat that have not totally rendered out during cooking. Everything about it is wonderful, but I've noticed a somewhat unhealthy (pardon the pun) obsession with bacon in the past few years.
First, let me offer some background. Bacon is cured pork belly, that is typically cut into strips and fried. It is stripped with lots of tasty, delicious fat, but what used to simply accompany eggs on breakfast plates or sit between to bread slices with lettuce and tomato has now found its way into every product imaginable. Some of this is good. I've eaten a bacon, maple cupcake before and liked it very much. Have you ever taken a piece of bacon and raked it through some leftover syrup after eating pancakes or waffles. It tasted sort of like that and that salty, smokey flavor actually played very nicely off the sweetness of the cupcake. I don't know that I'd be able to think of anything positive to say about bacon cologne, though. Did you know that there is a wide array of "bacon fragrances" on the market? This isn't one little company making bacon-scented body spray as a novelty, there are a dozen or more pork-scented perfumes, colognes, deodorants and aftershaves. Here again, the smell of bacon cooking is wonderful, mainly because it is an indication that I will get to eat bacon sometime in the very near future. I don't want to spray myself down with this stuff and have people assume they're going to get to eat me later on. I also don't know how much of a turn-on this stuff would be to the opposite sex. I'm not in the business of dispensing relationship or dating advice, but trust me fellows, you are SO not picking up ladies if you smell like bacon. "What is that I smell?" I imagine a lady on a first blind date with a gentleman saying. "Is it bacon? I thought you said you were a lawyer. You must work at IHOP or something, you liar!" "No, I am a lawyer. That's my bacon-scented body lotion. Do you like that? Does that turn you on?" the hapless guy would respond before making some off-color pork jokes and being slapped. There may be a woman turned on by the smell of smoke and hog squeezins, but I've not met her...and probably wouldn't want to. If you really want to smell like bacon, though, you don't have to pay for some expensive cologne. You could just rub some bacon grease on yourself. Both of my grandmothers used to keep a big coffee cup of it sitting on their ovens for cooking purposes. It never once occurred to me to grab a handful and slap it on my neck. Anyway, if you think a dab of bacon behind the ear is just a little bit too subtle, you're in luck, because also available for purchase now are bacon breath mints, toothpaste and dental floss. Yes, your dream of having a mouth that smells like smoke and meat can now be realized. Now, I'm certainly not telling anyone how to live their life, do their job or handle their oral hygiene, but I thought the point of brushing and flossing your teeth and using breath mints was so your breath WOULD NOT smell like the food you just ate. "Whoa, somebody ate a lot of bacon for breakfast!" "Nope, had a bowl of Apple Jacks...but thanks for noticing cutie." Probably not a conversation that has ever taken place. They make bacon-scented air freshener...which is a contradiction in terms, frankly. Making the air smell like meat is not really the definition of "freshening" in at all. Bacon scented candles emit a smell I do enjoy, but they would also be maddening. As mentioned earlier, the pleasant smell of bacon frying in the kitchen is most pleasant because it means I'm going to get to eat some bacon. I can't eat a candle...can you even imagine the unfortunate and probably painful means by which that would leave your body? On that note, you can get bacon-scented toilet paper now...I am not making this up. There are other, uh, items that apparently taste like bacon. You know what, no need to spell everything out for you. Look it up if you want to. Well, bacon-scented things may be an ill fit in most situations, you might say, but surely there is value in things that taste like bacon, right? Well, as I mentioned, a piece of actual, real bacon is one of the more sublime things a person can consume. It works surprisingly well with sweet things, giving a nice salty/sweet contrast. That cupcake I ate had real bacon in it, though and sadly, "bacon flavored" often means something tastes like liquid smoke or heavy salt instead of actual bacon. That's a generalization, though, since I haven't tried all of them. For example, I've never had Baconnaise, which is mayonnaise that purports to taste like bacon. Maybe the stuff is good, who knows, but I think I would just want my mayonnaise to taste like mayonnaise. If I wanted the delicious taste of bacon on a sandwich or burger then I would FRY A FLIPPIN' PIECE OF BACON and put it on there along with the mayonnaise-flavored mayonnaise. On the plus side, I'm sure mayonnaise that is infused with the taste hog belly is at least healthy and good for you. Seriously, how did bacon get to be the "it" product of the minute? How did it get to be the thing everyone wants to be able to eat, drink (did I mentioned the bacon-flavored soft drink?) and smell like? What if we'd anointed chitlins as the pork product of choice? Well, I guess I understand people not wanting to smell like something that poop has to be washed out of before cooking, but you see my point. I'm not attacking bacon at all or the people who love it. I just don't get it. Bacon certainly has its place in life...but that place is on my plate, not on my toothbrush, in my armpit or swirling in my commode. |
TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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