"BBQ Pitmasters" contestants...what a bunch of hams! See what I did there? A ham is both a cut of meat one could smoke and also a showy person who engages in comedically outrageous behavior. Homonyms are hilarious!
Anyway, the new season of Pitmasters began with a "sneak peak" episode on Monday. If you're a long-time fan of the show, as I am, you noticed a couple of changes. For the past few years, the show has been staged at the site of an established barbecue competition, including not too far up the road in Tryon, N.C. The judges have been at a table on a stage with the big "BBQ Pitmasters" trailer behind them. That is not the case this year. It looked like they were in someone's barnyard, sort of. The intro said they were "just outside of Austin" which is a tad vague. They should have just said they were in "Parts Unknown" which is the place most masked wrestlers are from. Maybe Thunderfoot Number 2 could have been a guest judge...showed us, the viewer, around Parts Unknown. Nice place I bet. Anyway, the trailer was gone and, not being set up at a festival, there were no on-lookers. Judges Myron Mixon, Tuffy Stone and "Big" Moe Cason were sitting at a ground-level table near the competitors. The format is pretty much unchanged...the contestants are given two cuts of meat and given a fixed amount of time to cook them. Unlike past seasons, though, the judging is not blind. Typically, folks turned in their boxes and "headed to the pit" where they watched as the judges ate and critiqued what they'd just cooked. This year, they turn their boxes in, then stand right in front of the judges for feedback. I wasn't sure how much I liked this idea at first. If a person just spent 12 grueling hours cooking a whole, fresh ham, will a judge be willing to look at them and say "this tastes like the bottom of my dang boot, if I'd just used my dang boot to stomp out a flaming dog turd" like they would when not having to look them in the eye? Myron's reaction to poorly-cooked food is one of the most entertaining parts of the show. My fears were allayed quickly, though. One of the contestants started talking smack to another and Myron cut him off with "if talking could win the sumbitch, you'da done won it." So we're cool there, but sadly, turn-in official Lauren Vera was nowhere to be found. For a long time, the turn-in official on the show was just some yokel, the mayor of the town they were in or whatever. You know, if they were at a competition in Nebraska or something, the mayor would try to act all folksy and would try to work in a plug that the Corn County Moose Lodge was about to have their annual Corncob Cotillion, and who needs that mess when you're trying to watch Pitmasters? They went to one, permanent turn-in official a season or two back, that being Ms. Vera. She certainly wasn't hard to look at, but she also really brought some personality in the brief amount of camera time she was allotted. Did I mention the not hard to look at part already? You have access to Google, if you feel the need to verify my claims. The only other change was subtle. The show was a bit more produced and utilized some more artistic kinds of cutaways and angles. I'm not an expert on such things, but the look was a little glossier and of higher quality I think too. With all that out of the way, let's get down to business. This season is of the "all-star" variety, with all the opponents having previously won on the show. Buzzie Hughes, a Texan, was one of the contestants. He looked very Texan and his assistant...if Doc Holliday and Rollie Fingers could have had a love baby, it would've looked like this guy. Up next was David Bouska, a butcher from Oklahoma, who looks for all the world like Milton Waddams from "Office Space." Hey Dave, is there any salt in this rub? "I said no salt Señor, NO SALT!" I couldn't resist. Lastly was the aptly-named Michael Character, a verbose restauranteur from Georgia. The three were tasked with cooking a whole bone-in ham and Cowboy steak. Character lost to Bouska in a previous episode that involved cooking a whole ham, so he dubbed the slab of pork haunch he was about to smoke as being his "revenge ham." Am I the only one who thinks "revenge ham" sounds like the crappiest Marvel Comics superhero ever? It could be a pig that avenges the wronged, defending the defenseless with his mighty bacon blade! Am I the only one who thinks "bacon blade" sounds like something other that a superhero weapon? Am I the only one who thinks I should just move along now? Bouska injected some stuff in his ham that seemed odd to me, including vegetable protein, phosphates and peach juice. Everybody tries to use peach stuff because Myron is from Georgia and likes peaches. He used a pellet-cooker powered by cherry wood. Character bragged about using an old-school stick burner, so he immediately became my favorite for taking the hardest, most authentic path possible. Buzzie used a big-ass thing he called "The Iron Maiden." So, maybe he bought it at Bruce Dickinson's yard sale, or maybe it's just made of iron and he thought that name would be awesome. No telling. It actually contained a smoker, an oven and "a steak drawer" which falls into the bacon blade, sounds kinda dirty category to me. Anyway, the judges unleashed a curveball on the contestants once they were cooking. They were going to have to compete in a "one-bite challenge" with the winner getting to decide who would turn their ham and steaks in, in which order, which is an advantage. The three were told that they had 30 minutes to cook up some ground lamb and had to use Kingsford Charcoal to cook it. "Umm, I actually bought a few bags of 'Jimmy Jack's hunks of black junk' and was hoping to use that." Nobody said that...of course everyone is using Kingsford. None of the three had cooked much lamb. Then we cut to each of the guys at the grill doing whatever they were gonna do with the lamb. "I've got lamb balls," Character said. It's ground meat? How could he tell it was the lamb's ba...oh wait...he meant he was making lamb balls. All of them did. "Michael had big balls," Buzzie said. None of those comments were incidental. It's like with the "Deflategate" stuff in the NFL. Reporters delighted in talking about droopy balls, saggy balls, deflated balls etc., and do you know why? Because deep down, beneath our adult exteriors, we're all 5-year-old boys. That's why. Anyway, Buzzie apparently had the best balls, lamb balls...he used mushrooms with them and whatnot. He decided he'd go first, then Character, then Bouska. Buzzie, much to my chagrin, deboned his ham which caught the attention of the judges. "The closer to the bone, the better the flavor," said Tuffy. I'm gonna let that comment go...it's a difficult thing to do...but I'm letting it pass by. After the lamb ordeal I think it may be best. He had a bit of trouble with the Iron Maiden, struggling to get the temp where he wanted it, which is a problem when cooking a big dense ham. Once he did get it going and started to glaze the ham, Myron actually approached him, which is something else new. He asked about the glaze he was using, which turned out to be a moonshine mustard honey glaze that he'd never used before. Big risk, Myron told him. Buzzie had no trouble with the steak which looked like 100 shades of HOLY CRAP deliciousness. A cowboy steak is sort of like a bone-in ribeye and Tuffy noted it was a "non-working muscle." More jokes I'm going to leave sitting on the table there. Character momentarily forgot about his steak, which he was cooking on a grill. It got a little burned, but it must've still tasted good. "Mama mia, that'sa gooda steaka," Character said as his body was momentarily possessed by the spirit of Chef Boyardee or something. Character also spoke highly of his "revenge ham" saying it was sweet. Bouska worried that his ham wasn't as moist as it needed to be, then he began rubbing something he called "barbecue mud" all over his steak...the name of which sounds like the punchline to a cookout/poop joke I might tell on July 4 or something. Eww. The contestants made their presentation boxes and turned them in, then got ready to face the music. Buzzie went first. Big Moe said his sliced ham was dry but that the pulled he included was better. Myron said the sliced was pretty good but the chopped was terrific, partly because of the wacky-doo, slapnuts moonshine mustard thing he concocted. All agreed the steak was fantastic. Character, to help mitigate the damage of his slightly burned steak, turned in slices instead of the whole steak. Myron was hip to the trick though and rebuked him sternly. "You brought shame to Georgia!" he said. Holy Wow! Why not just say something about his mama and deliver a boot-kick to the nards. "Decatur frowns upon your meat shenanigans Michael!" Crap man. I'd hate to bring shame on my whole state. You have to be an elected official to do that here, though, I think. Seriously, Character seems like a great cook, but he needs some work on presentation, which hurt him when last he faced Bouska. He just sorta sits a few pieces in the box instead of making it symmetrical and really filling it up the way judges seem to like. Bouska got high marks for his box and was complimented on the fact that his rubs, injections and sauces enhanced the ham's flavor. They also seemed crazy about the barbecue mud covered steak. The only detractor, really, was Tuffy, who said the ham was dry and asked Bouska if he was happy with it when he closed the box. Bouska got a little hung up answering him. After further discussion among themselves, the judges said Character finished in third place. Myron told him that his revenge ham wasn't sweet enough, but didn't say he'd embarrassed the eastern hemisphere or anything. That left Buzzie and Bouska. And the winner is...BOUSKA! He now moves on to the next round. The next episode airs tonight (Thursday). I hope to have the review posted in the next day or so, but until then, try to exercise you non-working muscles. For more information on the show and to see some videos of this and other shows, go right here.
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