We are supposed to learn from our mistakes. If a child touches a hot stove, it burns him and he is supposed to know from then on that a hot stove burns and he should not touch it. Yeah, doesn't work that way at all. The kid not only touches the hot stove again he licks it. The kid is a big dummy...if by "the kid" you mean "me."
I am a huge spicy food enthusiast and am a fan of The Pepper Palace, a store that stocks hot sauces, hot spice rubs, hot pickles pickles, hot peanuts...you get the point, stuff that's hot. Anytime I go to Myrtle Beach, Charleston or Gatlinburg I make sure to swing by a Pepper Palace location to stock up on stuff. I went to the beach a few weeks back and was running critically low on hot stuff supplies, so I stopped in. Four years ago, I took the "world's hottest hot sauce challenge" at the Pepper Palace. They put a scalding hot glop of sauce on a tortilla chip and instructed me to put it sauce-side down on my tongue. My reward for this exercise in stupidity was, uh, to be able to say I did it I guess. They also snapped a picture of me at my crying, drooling, red-faced pinnacle and put it on the "Wall of Flame" page on their website. My first sign that what I was doing may not have been a great idea is when they made me sign a waiver...A FRIGGIN' MEDICAL WAIVER! I didn't actually read it, but I assume it basically said I would hold them harmless if my face caught on fire or I crapped my pants. Neither of those things happened, but it hurt, badly for a good half hour. It was hard to talk, my nose started running, my chest got tight for a second and my stomach made some really unpleasant gurgling noises. Luckily I had prepped for the challenge with milk and some bananas. They coat your innards and your, uh, exit. This is necessary because hot stuff doesn't just burn going in. No need to be any more graphic than that. Now, fast forward to my recent beach trip. I walked in and started sampling some new salsas and barbecue sauces (they let you taste everything in the store). I tried a honey, rum, chipotle barbecue sauce (more on that in a minute) and a spice rub that tasted like beer. Eventually, I got around to asking the lady working the counter if they had any Carolina Reaper items. The aptly-named Reaper was recently certified as the world's hottest pepper and is grown right in Chester County where I work. The lady told me they did and I was welcome to try some if I was willing to sign a waiver. "MOMMY THE STOVE MADE ME HAVE THE BURNING!" Remembering the last time I had to sign a waiver, I politely declined. See how smart I am. Wasn't going to get burned again. Before I tried the world's hottest hot sauce four years ago, I asked what was in it. I was told it contained undiluted capsaicin (the stuff that makes chili peppers hot) and Ghost Pepper extract. Both are used to make gas grenades in some counties and topical ointments. So, I was basically eating a menthalatum and tear gas sandwich. At the time, the Ghost Pepper was the world's hottest pepper, but it was eventually surpassed by a seething little number called the Scorpion Pepper. The Scorpion was then passed by the Reaper. These facts are quite relevant. I put aside some of the honey, rum, chipotle sauce (did I mention there is more to come on this front?) some barbecue rub and an insidious compound called Nasal Napalm. It's a horseradish sauce that hurts to even smell. Putting some in your mouth makes it feel like you shoved a blowtorch up your nose. In small doses it makes good spicy mustard, I use it to make barbecue sauce and occasionally cocktail sauce. I kept sampling sauces, salsa and rubs, hoping to maybe find something new I'd like. About that time, I saw some ghost chili salsa and opted to pass BECAUSE I'M SO SMART AND IT BURNED ME MOMMY! Right beside it, though, was some Scorpion pepper salsa. I, of course, grabbed a chip and shoveled a big dose of it in my mouth, then bounced over to the barbecue sauce section, found some Scorpion sauce and tried A WHOLE SPOONFUL OF IT. About that time, the accumulated heat of the salsa and sauce punched me right in my big, dumb, never learns a lesson, face. Now, if I skipped the Ghost Pepper sauce because I knew it was hotter than I wanted, why did it not dawn on me that stuff made from a pepper that is even hotter would, you know, be hotter. "Oh wow, this is killing me. That stuff's hot!" said Captain Obvious. "Yeah, that Scorpion is a hot pepper. Hotter than the Ghost Pepper," the lady said. Not in my mind. That stove won't burn me this time. Now, having demonstrated my unique level of dumb, let's demonstrate my crippling inability to focus on one topic and get back to that honey, rum, chipotle sauce. It was INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS. I bought a bottle to bring home. Now, the name tells you most of what you need to know about it. It's a red sauce that manages to capture the flavors of the name. You should be warned that, unlike some weak products that say "chipotle" on the label, this stuff isn't just slightly smokey or a little on the warm side. It's hot, and the more of it you eat in one sitting, the more that heat accumulates. It's not an off-putting level of heat, though, and it balances nicely with the two sweet elements. You get some nice sweetness from the honey and a little bit of a floral note, but neither is overpowering. You can definitely taste the rum too, but you need to put the visual of a fruity girl drink by the pool out of your mind. This is "she's gone, I'm sad and I'm drinking straight from this bottle of strong, distilled molasses" sort of rum. It actually sits right between the honey and chipotle, giving some sweetness and a little bit of a punch. Garlic and onion tastes were both invited to this sauce party too, but they're sort of sitting over in the corner, not talking to anybody. They are there, but aren't dancing and getting all WOO HOO like the honey, rum, chipotle and tomato are. I've tried the sauce thus far on a burger (added some nice kick and balance to a fatty hunk of grilled meat)), ribs (they were sublime) potato chips (this is when I noticed that the heat builds the more you eat, but it was in no way overpowering) and my finger (it tasted like barbecue sauce in that instance...I don't know what it will taste like on your finger, because you might be a heavy sweater or something). Truthfully, I recommend it to anybody that enjoys a bold red sauce with a degree of heat that makes its presence known, but doesn't require a waiver. Read more about the sauce right here...
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A while back, The West Virginia Power, a minor league baseball team, had "Salute to Indoor Plumbing Night" at their stadium. They planned to close all the regular stadium restrooms and force fans to use porta-potties, or maybe the red tips in the outfield, I'm not sure. Anyway, the health department nixed the idea, so instead, the team's promotions department cooked up an alternate plan.
"We took some brownies and mushed them up and made them look like poo," Promotions Director Kristin Call announced later. Fans apparently spent the evening throwing mushed brownies at one another. Now, that sounds inane, but small minor league teams with limited advertising budgets come up with every outlandish gimmick imaginable to put fannies in seats (or on port-potties), garner publicity and draw attention to themselves. I went to a minor league hockey game a few years ago. I'm not an especially big fan of the sport, but seeing games in-person gives you a little different perspective and appreciation of the game and the athletes who play it. It's a much better experience in person than on TV in my opinion. Or it would be if you could be left alone to watch the game. Instead, your senses are deluged with music, lights, fireworks, doofwad announcers, t-shirt cannons, kiss-cams and an endless parade of other distractions. I guess they operate under the assumption that you have to be entertained by something every second you're in the building, even if it's by an obese blindfolded guy on skates juggling ring-tailed lemurs or something else that has nothing at all to do with what you came to see. It's frankly a bit of an indictment against their sport that they figure the on-field (or on-ice) product isn't enough to do get you to come back. The National Football League is not a minor league baseball team, does not really need more free publicity than it already gets, does not need to engage in silly tricks to attract attention and should have no worries about whether fans will keep coming back, but isn't acting that way recently in one respect. The NFL is the most popular, financially well-heeled pro sports organization on this continent. During football season, NFL games are regularly among the most-watched shows on television, games of even awful teams are usually sold out and the league makes who-knows-how-many-billions of dollars a year. That hasn't stopped the league (or at least the guy at the top of it) from trying to tinker with one of the foundational aspects of its game in the name of either making it "more entertaining" or of creating conversation and thus free publicity. Commissioner Roger Gooddell floated the idea of altering the extra point last year. See, the problem is that kickers have just gotten far too effective at their jobs. Out of the 1,267 extra points attempted in the NFL in 2013, 1,262 of them were made and four of the five misses were actually blocked. Goodell, essentially said that's too good to tolerate. Watching kickers competently ply their trade is boring and "you want to add excitement to every play." Actually, I don't. Yes, a successful extra point is all but assured and less than half-a-percent are missed. I'm not sure why that's a bad thing. If Tom Brady or Peyton Manning started completing 99.5 percent of their passes, would there be an outcry that the sport had gotten boring and that things need to be changed? The NFL seems to be adopting the attitude of that minor league hockey team I watched a few years ago, not being content to let their product speak for itself. You must have an exciting spectacle thrust in your face every second for some reason. Football fans aren't going anywhere. Given the unbelievable popularity of the sport on the field, on TV and in fantasy land, it seems a little illogical to change something that has been a part of the sport, basically, since its inception. Fans seem to like every aspect of the game just fine as is. I have been to, literally, hundreds of football games in my life at the high school, college and professional levels and I've never once heard anyone say "I love football and everything, but seriously, this extra point stuff has got to go!" Maybe large groups operate this way. They are tasked with "doing stuff" so they concoct problems that don't really exist and then offer dumb solutions to the non-existent problems...the government does that quite a bit. The only things I've heard of turning some people off where the NFL is concerned is the neutering of defenses and tackling. There was some experimentation with 43-yard extra points last preseason. Incidentally, NFL kickers generally make better than 80 percent of field goals of between 40 and 49 yards. I just wonder if people find the prospect of a minimal increase in missed extra points exciting or entertaining? I don't, particularly if my team of choice ends up losing a game over a dumb, gimmicky attempt at making what is already a very exciting game a little more so. When this came up last year, I thought it was, perhaps part of the NFL's attempt to extend its season beyond its normal bounds. They accomplished that last year by pushing the draft back. Between that and free agency it makes the NFL THE topic of sports conversation almost year-round. This extra point foolishness is being discussed again now, so I have to assume the PAT really is about to go the way of the dodo, Crystal Pepsi and safeties who actually hit people. That's a shame. I think making changes to foundational aspects of a great game to "make it more exciting" is a giant pile of mushed brownies. When you work in journalism, you may not make much money and you may work extremely long, crappy hours and you may find suddenly find yourself out of work because of downsizing, but there is one positive. Uh, let's see, crap pay, God-awful hours, living underneath a guillotine...what was that positive...don't tell me...uhhhhh. Ah yes, the payoff is the satisfaction of doing something you love (snickers) and, on occasion, getting to be a part of history. It is reporters who convey major happening masses...may folks see the world through our words. Luckily, in my many years of work, I've covered my share of big stories.
Back in 2009 I was heading out on vacation. A real vacation where you go far away and don't think about work or responsibility for a few days. It turns out the cheapest flights I could find went out of Hartsfield-Jackson Airport in Atlanta. As my wife and I checked in, I saw a thin, well-dressed fellow stride by, sort of covering his face with his hand. Dang if it wasn't then S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford. Being a person who loves his state and has a keen interest in politics, I wasn't going to pass up the chance to say hello. "Governor, is that you?" I asked. "Could the wife and I get a picture with you? We'd love to add it to our collection of 'famous people' shots. You know, I've got a picture of me with Tully Blanchard. Used to be a wrestler. Ashley met Al Roker once...and some other upstanding member of the NBC News Department. Bryant Willie? Something like that. Name escapes me." "I, uh, think you're mistaking me for someone else," he said as he hurriedly tried to move past. "Hey, it's OK. Trying to be incognito. Don't want anyone knowing you're here. No further explanation needed. One man knows why another man doesn't want to be recognized...because you'd be mobbed. They probably don't have many political celebrities come through here," I said. Unfortunately, at that exact moment an older lady lost control of her little scooter and drove right into me. Then she mistook the gear shift for the brake, I guess, and backed over me. Laid me up in the hospital for a week. Seems like there was some news about the governor later that day, but I don't remember much, because of the scooter-induced concussion and pain-killing drugs, I guess. In September 1989, I was a young freelance journalist obsessed with destructive weather phenomenon. My dream was to work for the fledgling Weather Channel and I was trying to sell them on the idea that what they really needed to do was have a reporter stand in the middle of dangerous winds and lightning. It's much more believable for the folks at home if they can actually see some nimrod getting pelted with giant hailstones and nearly drowned by surging tides and torrential downpours, I told them. People are suspicious and mistrustful of the media. Just telling them about isn't as impactful and they may not even believe you, I said. "But that's just dumb," they told me. "Why would we endanger 'the talent' by putting them in harms way? Only an idiot would think people need to see a guy in the middle of a blizzard or tornado to believe it's really happening." I told them to trust me. I drove to McClellanville, or I had my mom drive me there since I didn't even have a learner's permit at that point. I went out on the beach just as the dark, imposing cloud swirl of Hugo began to unleash it's fury on the South Carolina coast. "This is Travis Jenkins reporting live. The eyes of the world are now on Hurricane Hugo and his powerful eye is on tiny McClellanville," I said. I thought that was a real clever opening so I stopped to smirk at the camera, demonstrating how pleased I was with myself. Unfortunately the wind really whipped up at that point. I was blown into a nearby crabbing shack and don't remember much after that. It seems like that crabbing shack might have landed on a witch in an alternate universe...one with golden roads and lots of little people. There were talking trees and flying monkeys which tripped me the flip out. Anyway, I got no credit for it, but I was obviously right. Weather reporters have stood out in the dangerous elements like doofwads ever since. In 1978 I was a sideline reporter at the Gator Bowl. It was a big assignment for me because I love football and because my home state Clemson Tigers were playing in the game against the vaunted Ohio State Buckeyes. That presented me with quite a conundrum. I'm a Clemson fan, but sideline reporting calls for fairness and objectivity. You owe it to the folks at home to comport yourself in a professional manner and I think I did that. I made a rookie mistake, though. Late in the game, Clemson intercepted a pass to basically clinch the game. Ohio State coach Woody Hayes strode onto the field so I guess I figured the clock had run out. He was headed right for Clemson Charlie Bauman, who had picked off the pass. Good for Hayes, I thought. He must be going out to congratulate Bauman for making a great play, what a show of sportsmanship. I moved in close, wanting to record his comments. Sadly, Hayes reared back (he wanted to shake Bauman's hand I guess) and when he did he elbowed me right in the face. I never did see how all that turned out, but I bet it was a special moment. It reminded me a lot of the time I was covering the U.S. Senate in 1856 when Charles Sumner (of South Carolina) whacked me in the head with his walking cane. He was talking to some fellow from Massachusetts and must have been gesticulating with his cane to make a point or something. Again...concussion, memories are fuzzy. One of my first-ever assignments was as a battlefield correspondent for the "Journal of the Waxhaws." It was January of 1781 and, being so new to journalism, my editor gave me the Cowpens beat. That was kind of like being put at deep, deep, roving right field in Little League. I mean, have you been to Cowpens? Big fat nothing going on there, or so I thought anyway. Who could have imagined that the most decidedly one-sided battle in military history, a game changer where the Revolutionary War was considered, would break out in that exact spot. Daniel Morgan and his boys whipped some mother country butt that day and I was there to see it. As Banastre Tarleton fled in fear and disgrace, I tried to catch up with him for a comment...you want to get every side of a story. Being that recording devices hadn't been invented yet, I had a a quill, a bottle of ink and some parchment paper, and it is a booger trying to take notes with such primitive tools while riding a horse. "Banastre!" I shouted. "Any regrets at all about today? About your strategy? About your men showing up for this war dressed like targets? I mean, red kind of stands out and really..." Just then, an errant musket ball shot me right in the hind end. I fell off my horse, spilled my ink and my parchment blew away. I'd lost the story and lost my job shortly thereafter. These stories may seem implausible, but they are totally grounded in fact. A journalist lives a hundred lives and sees all. I'm hoping that one day, all these experiences can lift me into a network news anchor job. It seems like one might be open now actually...from what I can tell, I'm perfectly qualified. I am not a "senior football reporter." I'm not an "NFL insider." I'm frankly not even especially bright, insightful or well-connected. However, I do possess a large bottle of cheap bourbon, free time and a BLAWG, which I feel are the only qualifications needed to offer up a mock draft.
I love the NFL Draft. I'll sit there as the seventh round selections roll by on the crawl and eat up the fact that a team I don't care about is drafting an undersized safety from West Where-The-Hell A&M. I used to have weekend-long draft parties until Roger Gooddell ruined my life by splitting it up over three days and starting in primetime on Thursday night. Hey Rog, working folks can't get loaded and eat cake on Thursday night BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO WORK FRIDAY! Big jerk. Maybe I love the draft because hope spring eternal during the process. No matter how lousy your favorite team was the previous year, you always manage to convince yourself the coaches and GM's you burned in effigy, called incompetent and cussed unmercifully all season suddenly have all the answers and are nimbly filling all the roster holes. Maybe I like the draft because television in general is a big sucky wasteland full of inane reality shows, recycled cop/legal/court drams and unfunny comedies. I don't watch many things not related to football or food and the draft at least gives you something football-esque to watch. Anyway, fellow blawger James came up with the idea of us dropping dueling mock drafts at the same time. Sort of like McShay and Kiper without the shrill voices or crippling widow's peak. So here I go...my first-ever mock draft. Tampa Bay- QB Jameis Winston, Florida State. I've heard he has some off-field issues. I think he stole some sardines from a Kroger and likes to play with BB guns. There's also, um, some other stuff I won't be detailing here. He threw a lot of picks last year and had a physique that looked like it was sculpted from a bowl of mashed potatoes instead of iron sometime before the combine. Taking all that into consideration HE SOUNDS LIKE A SURE THING!!!! However, he also lost one game in two years at Florida State as the starter (there's no doubting he's a winner and a gamer), won a Heisman Trophy, ran an actual pro-style offense and makes big boy throws. Also, Lovie Smith hates Mike Glennon. They need a QB and he's the most apt one in this class to be a superstar. He's either a really tall Russell Wilson or a less self-aware version of Jamarcus Russell. We'll see, I guess. Tennessee- Southern Cal DE Leonard Williams. I'm not totally convinced they won't take Marcus Mariota here or that someone won't trade here to do so. Williams seems like the safe pick, though, when your best pass-rusher had a whopping 6.5 sacks in 2014, your defense sucks in general, you've been kind of a tire fire for a while as an organization and you are tasked with stopping Andrew Luck twice a year. 6'5, 300-plus pound guys with freakish athletic talent don't grow on trees...at least not where I live. That tree would scare the crap out of me. They should take Williams, hope Mettenberger improves or draft a QB like Hundley or Petty a little later. Jacksonville- Florida OLB Dante Fowler Jr. When you're as bad as the Jaguars and basically need everything, I think you just sorta go "best player available." Fowler, I think, could be an OLB or DE, since he's 6'3 with long arms and weighs over 260. He had at least one tackle-for-loss in all but one game last year and 8.5 sacks. He's been moved around a lot and still has more to learn and needs time to grow into one position, but he's dang good. Did you see that crappy third-tier bowl game Florida played in against East Carolina? He looked like a grown man playing with children. A spiteful, mean grown man that stiff-arms five-year-olds at goal line and spikes the ball in little girl's faces. Could possibly go with another weapon for Bortles on offense here too. Oakland- Alabama WR Amari Cooper. Oakland actually drafted well last year and got a good young quarterback in Derek Carr...marking the first time "drafted well" and "good quarterback" appeared in a story about the Raiders without the qualifiers "have not" and "ain't got no" in a long time. Now they should keep being smart by giving that quarterback some weapons, since their skill position players last year were a collection of "WHO?" and "WHY DOES HE PLAY FOR US?" Some people like Kevin White better because he did well at the combine. I like him too, but Cooper just passed the eye test better to me. He didn't play in some slapnuts, 100-plays-a-game, chuck it 70 times offense. Still, he got open, caught the ball, put up stunning numbers and took over games even when you knew the ball was coming to him. Washington- Clemson OLB/DE Vic Beasley. Full disclosure here...I am a lifelong, die-hard fan of both the Redskins and Tigers. I haven't seen any other mock draft with him going quite this high. As with all teams mired in the muck of soul-crushing suckage, we have many needs. O-line, PROBABLY QUARTERBACK, corner and a compliment to Morris at running back are all on the list, but we really need a pass-rusher. I'm not saying our defensive line was old last year, but I am saying a shuffleboard court and bingo tumbler were prominently featured in their meeting room. Some numbnuts said Beasley's combine performance didn't matter, but it really did. Not the 40 and stuff that gets the most attention, because you know he's fast if you've watched him play. The fact that he weighed almost 250 and did 30-some bench reps showed he's more than a lanky guy who racks up sacks but can't do much else. I think he proved he has the size potential and strength to be a great DE/OLB hybrid and a good replacement for Orakpo, who I guess is leaving town. Paired with the Paea signing and the beastly pass-rushing of Ryan Kerrigan, Beasley would make our defensive front formidable. I like him MUCH better than Ray, Gregory, or any of the other DE/OLB types most people have us taking. I have a personal bias, obviously, but I think he's more athletic and productive than either. This pick may be more wish list that mock draft, I guess and I wouldn't be upset if we took the best available offensive lineman or defensive tackle type. Of course, we'll probably trade our pick and next year's first-rounder to the Patriots for a sack of magic beans and a vial of Tom Brady's sweat or something. That's typically how we roll... *Note: Since writing this, it has been reported that the Redskins will definitely take Marcus Mariota if he is available when we pick. Let's see, a really athletic quarterback who ran a funky college system and has never been asked to read a defense. WE HAVEN'T TRIED THAT BEFORE, I'M SURE IT WOULD WORK OUT GREAT!!!! Sigh... New York Jets- Oregon QB Marcus Mariota. I'm going to say right here that I don't feel great about this pick. The Jets could easily go in a couple of other directions and someone may take him ahead of them, but quarterbacks are such a valuable and rare commodity...and the ones the Jets currently have possess odd beards and often play like doo doo, so I guess this is the pick. I know you have to judge a player on his merits and that where he went to school shouldn't much matter, but seriously look at skill position guys from Oregon over the past 10ish years. Joey Harrington? Kellen Clemens? Dennis Dixon? LaMichael James? Kenjon Barner? Samie Parker? Jeff Maehl? Not many NFL success stories there. He has good size, good athleticism and makes good decisions. Also didn't lose much with the Ducks. There are apparently no character concerns at all...seriously, I read that his closest thing to a brush with the law was that he got a speeding ticket once going to speak at a Boys and Girls Club. Nitpicking scouts say maybe he's too close to his family. There's a flaw...lovin' yer mama. He should be tossing the ball around in black-and-white with Wally and the Beav he's so wholesome. I hope he's successful, but he didn't run anything close to an NFL offense at Oregon and I think it'll take time for him to learn. Supposedly works hard, which should help. Chicago- Missouri DE Shane Ray. Their defense was like a turd on a ciabatta roll last year. I have no idea what that means but visualizing a "sandwich artist" asking what kind of cheese I want on my dookie and fancy bread sammy made me laugh. Their defense was bad is my point and they need a pass-rusher...Ray does that real good. Atlanta- Nebraska OLB Randy Gregory. I'm noticing a trend of teams with a big bag of DERP on defense picking high. Probably not a coincidence. The birds miss out on Beasley and Ray in the JENKINS DRAFT 8.9!!!!! and settle for Gregory. He's athletic, gets after the passer and has a good frame, but man he's light. Around 235 pounds on a 6'5 body makes you look more like a small forward than linebacker. They should feed him and whatnot and just spot him as a pass-rusher till he chunks up. New York Giants- Stanford OL Andrus Peat. This just seems like a thing that's going to happen. You have an aging, slow-footed QB who is going to break if you don't start blocking for him. They need to get better up front and seem to like Peat. I'm not going to pretend I sat watched film on him, but he's supposed to be good in pass protection, despite looking like a weeble-wobble with his thick legs and minuscule head. I actually don't know if his head his small or not, but weeble-wobble jokes always kill it...I went for it and it was worth it! St. Louis- West Virginia WR Kevin White. The Rams are stacked on both lines, have a couple of good backs, just traded for Nick Foles...but their wideouts, despite being high draft picks, seem to have been a big 'ol grab bag of bullcrap the past few years. Maybe having somebody other than Hurty McCan'tplay and his collection of back-ups under center will make those guys better, but they should grab a big, fast, productive receiver while they've got the chance. Minnesota- Iowa OL Brandon Scherff. The man's name ends in double "F"s. The extra "F" is for extra FUNKY! Or maybe that's just how it's spelled. Can't think of much else funny to say about an offensive lineman. I don't know much about him, but if you want corn, wrestlers or large men who block well, Iowa seems like a good place to find them. Cleveland- Louisville WR Devante Parker. This may be a kinda high for him, but Cleveland is in dire need of people who don't suck at catching things and running with them. You can say what you want about their quarterbacks last year, but the people around them were the main contributor to the non-existent point totals. Seriously, their best TE was hurt most of the year, Josh Gordon was suspended (and is again) their running game is just OK and Hoyer/Football/Shaw were throwing to guys ranging in skill level from "pedestrian" to "my obese uncle." You could cross-breed the brains of Nikola Tesla and Bill Belichick, put it in a titanium cyborg body with rocket feet and a bazooka arm, play that at quarterback with Cleveland's talent and the results would still be lousy. Plus, am I the only one who thinks that thing would go all "Maximum Overdrive" and rebel against it's human masters? It would leave a path of death and destruction in its wake as it marched to power. Anyway, Parker gives them a viable target and some badly-needed juice. New Orleans- Michigan State DB Trae Waynes. Saints in 2014...great on paper, crap on grass, or turf or whatever it is they play on. Not Payton, Not Brees, not Brees' face woggle, not Graham, not nothing could save the Saints from a colossal nosedive last year. I figure the offense will be OK despite trading the big tall tight end that the elfin little quarterback liked throwing to so much. The defense has to be addressed with multiple picks and they might as well start with a DB many seem to think is the best available despite weighing under 190 and not coming from a conference known for spectacular air shows. He can certainly run, dropping a 4.3-something at the combine and if he can cover, they can use him...badly. Miami- Kentucky LB/DE Bud Dupree. As with a few of my other picks, I haven't seen him going this high in most other mocks, but really, who cares? If you want accuracy and in-depth analysis of the Dolphins' needs, you probably aren't seeking the opinion of some doofus with a meat blawg. Miami will often reach somewhat at a position of need. They've turned loose some defensive starters in the last few days and Dupree has crazy physical skills for a 270-pounder. I think he played OLB at Kentucky where he rushed the passer pretty well and mixed it up versus the run, unlike many of these OLB/DE tweener types. He also has a bad-ass name. What more do you want? San Francisco- Texas DL Malcom Brown. At this point I'm pretty much picking names out of a hat. This organization seems like it's falling to pieces right now. They have a lot of needs for a team that's been good for the past four years. If Justin Smith retires, though, they really need a defensive lineman, their new head coach was the D line coach, this guy plays DL, they are made for each other...like peanut butter and jelly, like Romeo and Juliet, like match tips and borax and cough medicine...OK maybe not that last one. Houston- LSU OT La'el Collins. They could use a WR with Andre Johnson having been released, but that would feel super reach-y here and desperate. You don't want to look desperate. Desperation leads to decisions you'll regret...like in a bar around closing time, when a "no way" turns into a "she'll do" and you have to stop on the way home to get a paper bag and something to blur the memories. Blah blah they need an O-lineman, they can take this one. San Diego- LSU CB Jalen Collins. Back-to-back guys from LSU named Collins. The last guy from LSU named Collins I really remember was Cecil Collins. Remember him? I think he got arrested for going BM in some lady's closet. Or was that Najeh Davenport? Yes, it was Najeh. Nevermind. Cecil did something he ought not have, I think, but hopefully he's doing well now. Anyway, rangy cover corner sounds good for the Chargers, though they could go OL here or pull the first surprise of the night by going Gurley/Gordon in the wake of letting Ryan Matthews walk. Kansas City- Arizona State WR Jaelen Strong. Supposedly not super fast, but a physical receiver with good hands that teams really like. Even after grossly overpaying Jeremy Maclin, the Chiefs need a complete makeover of their receiving corps. Their receivers last year aspired to reach a Cleveland-pedestrian-obese uncle level. Seriously, push the little lever, watch your 2014 wideouts disappear into the swirl, spray Febreze and give Alex Smith someone else to throw to. Cleveland- Washington DL Danny Shelton. Having resisted their normal urge to draft a fatty or someone named Barkevious with their first pick, the Browns indulge their normal tendencies with this 6'2, 330-pounder. Really smart and really active for his size. Philadelphia- Alabama S Landon Collins. Coach Kelly, not to tell you how to handle your business, but don't you need someone to play wide receiver? "Hell no, step ahead of everybody, we're gonna run the Straight-T and a crazy wishbone/single-wing/scrum offense, thus removing our dependence on men of slight build and outsized ego." But, we actually have none on the roster. Don't we need at least one? I mean, for a trick play or to return kicks? "Hell no, I'm gonna punt on third down and have a tight end snap it and guards outside of tackles IT WILL BE FOOTBALL ANARCHY! I need only a sound defense, 27 quarterbacks, some peyote and a map of Montana," (laughs maniacally). Alrighty coach. Cincinnati- Washington CB Marcus Peters. If everyone comes back healthy that was hurt last year, the Bengals should have a good year...as good as you'll have with a QB who poops the bed in the playoffs and a coach who has never won a playoff game ever in his whole life. Peters has prototype size and ability for his position. He also got suspended for pitching a hissy on the sidelines and got kicked off his college team...sounds like a Bengal. In his defense, wouldn't you have a crappy attitude and short fuse if you went through life with the name Peters? Pittsburgh- Florida State DL Eddie Goldman. Brett Keisel and his unkempt beard are gone now so the Steelers need a biggun to plug into the hole. You can plug a mighty big hole with a 340-pound dude...like that one in Arizona people ride donkeys down to the bottom of. Detroit- Oregon DL Arik Armstead. The Lions defensive line right now is comprised of Haloti Ngata, who is still good but getting on in years, and a guy named Ziggy. Suh is gone and Fairley is leaving so a new large person needs to be acquired. He wasn't super productive in terms of stats but is a large person who plays football, is strong, supposedly has good hands and has room to add some weight. Arizona- Mississippi State LB Benardrick McKinney. There's a couple of directions the Cardinals could go. Really, it would be a good time to invest in a quarterback. After Palmer got hurt last year, they auditioned every member of Chucker O'Can'tscore and the Pick Six All-Stars. It was heinous and painful to watch. They won't though, with the top two long gone and having much more dire needs at places like defensive line. The first round talents at that position are starting to dry up, so maybe they'll swing a trade or something to move up. I'm talking out of my rear end at this point. Like I have any clue. As I'm writing this I just read they signed some linemen. I don't know who they are but I'm sure they'll do a heck of a job. I don't think their wide receivers are very good either and maybe they could take Dorial Green-Beckham here but boy that's a mixed bag of insane talent and "he did what now?" I keep reading they may wonder about Andre Eliington's durability and might want to add a backfield mate for him. Really, on this pick, I have no flippin' idea. They could use a linebacker, McKinney's a pretty good one, I'll go with that. Gurley/Gordon is also a possibility. Carolina- Florida OL D.J. Humphries. If things play out the way I've imagined, a perfect fit drops right into the lap of the Panthers. Despite signing Michael Oher, the Panthers still need to add another tackle. If you saw them last year, you realize their tackles weren't turnstiles as much as they were well-lubricated turnstiles. Seriously, some French dude got time on the line last year. When I think fearsome, battle-tested and "handles blitzes well," a French dude is right at the top of my list. Humphries will step right in and start for a long time. Baltimore- Miami WR Phillip Dorsett. They could also use a running back here because, boy howdy, they had a time with their last one. With Torrey Smith leaving they have at receiver Steve Smith Sr. and, uh, give me a minute here, they've got, what's his name? I've seen some mock drafts that have them taking Green-Beckham which actually made me do a snort-laugh given that whole crazy thing they went through last year. They need receivers, particularly one who can stretch the field. Dorsett is about the best one left and can certainly handle the running fast part of his duties ably. Dallas- Georgia RB Toddy Gurley. As I'm writing this the Cowboys haven't resigned DeMarco Murray and it seems like they aren't going to. Even if they do, they rode him really hard last year and can't expect him to duplicate his 2014 numbers for very long. Their back-up steals panty draws from Dillards, which could perhaps speak to a certain level of unreliability. Gurley is coming off a severe knee injury, but he's also the most gifted running back I've watched play in a long time. Despite the injury, he really wasn't overworked at Georgia...not like he got goal-line carries in crunch time because Mike Bobo is smarter than you and I. See, that's what you expect to happen, so he crosses you up! Gurley has the potential to be a special player and is a bargain this low. I do reserve the right to change this pick to CB Kevin Johnson if they resign Murray. Denver- Texas A&M OL Cedric Ogbuehi. What's funny is I already wrote about aging, slow-footed quarterbacks named Manning and how they'll break if you don't block for them. Indianapolis- Wisconsin RB Melvin Gordon. Probably they should try to fix their defense here...I mean like cut everybody and use this pick on a whole, entirely new defense. As it turns out you can't do that. Really, I'm not crazy about a lot of what they've done with their roster since nabbing Luck, Fleener, Allen and Hilton in a great draft a few years ago. I mean, they drafted Bjoern Werner and have tried to make him a LB, where he joined the very exclusive "LBs named Bjoern" club. He's an end, people. They're also loading up on older players in free agency to make a big Super Bowl push, traded last year's first for a slow, unproductive RB they'll cut etc., so, it makes sense they'll pass on defensive help. They could go for Flowers or Clemmings here since they need O-line help and both are still available. If he's not already gone, though, (and Dallas, Baltimore, Arizona or San Diego could grab him before this) I'll figure that the super-productive Wisconsin running back is too good and too much of a value to pass on here. Pairing him with Luck and the rest of the Colts skill talent is a scary proposition. Green Bay- Clemson LB Stephone Anthony. As already mentioned, I'm a Clemson fan, but I've seen a couple of other mock drafts predicting this pick and I think it makes sense. Now, if you'd have told me (despite his 5-star billing) that Anthony would have been a first-round pick after his freshman or sophomore years, I'd have laughed at you...maybe taken you to my attic and locked you in there so you could get a taste of true loneliness, darkness and silence. Maybe then you wouldn't be quite so quick to spout off opinions. Anyway, the Packers let A.J. Hawk go and have a pressing need at LB. Anthony is very fast and plays that way with what seems to be good diagnosis and anticipation. He's always around the ball and developed into a sound tackler. All things the Packers need. I think he's a great fit here. New Orleans- Baylor QB Bryce Petty. You know a first round of the draft isn't going to pass by without at least one major "WHOA!" moment and I think this is it. Now the Saints, probably, will go defense here again or could even look at gigantic person Maxx Williams (to replace Graham). I keep reading, though, that the Saints are starting to prepare for life after Drew Brees and will definitely be drafting a quarterback fairly high this year. They might could get him in the second round and I don't know that I don't actually like Hundley better, but I think Petty has good size, arm and athletic ability. He's also, from what I read, extremely competitive, which starts to give you a bit of a Brees vibe. It would be a perfect situation for him. He could sit and learn for a year or two behind a great player...and sitting and learning is probably good when you play in Baylor's WACKY DO TOOT TOOT!!! offense. Some people are down on him because they say his senior year wasn't great...you know, people who maybe failed to notice that he PLAYED WITH A BROKEN FRIGGIN' BACK. New England- Washington LB Shaq Thompson. Thompson just feels like Patriots kind of guy. He didn't blow it up at the combine as expected, but he plays fast and just makes plays despite being a little undersized. He's also versatile, having played running back, safety and linebacker in college, which just screams "NEW ENGLAND!" He'll fit into the twisted schemes of that flat-balled, monotone, hoodie-wearing, devil robot in Foxboro very well. There it is! My first-ever mock draft. Be aware I might make some updates to it if there are trades, surprise free agent moves or this bourbon wears off. We established a couple of absolute truths a few weeks ago where the Fox Creek Predators are concerned. Number one, they are a program on the rise and number two they have a totally wicked name. Come on...The Predators? Who else names their team after an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? I think Terry Funk was in that movie too. They could be the "The Funkers" which might be even better. If I was going to name my school mascot after one of Arnold's movies, I'd either be "The Terminators" or "The Conans." You could even break the names out by position. Your wide receivers could be "The Running Mans" (or men I guess). If you have some weird kid, it would probably be a kicker, that didn't wear undies he could be the "Commando." Maybe the head coach, in arguing about calls with refs (they are a Class A school after all so there's often reason to argue with refs) could only be allowed to say "Hey ref, I'm getting a RAW DEAL." Trying to think of something with Kindergarden Cop and nothing is coming to me. What was I talking about, Terry Funk? Ah, Fox Creek...
Anyway, as I mentioned a few weeks back, they were looking for a new coach and AD after the only football coach in program history, Russ Schneider, announced that he was stepping down because of health concerns. Well, it didn't take long for the North Augusta-area charter school to fill the spot, maybe because they didn't have to look too far for Schneider's replacement. Derrick Quinn, who had been an assistant coach at North Augusta High School, was named the new coach and AD yesterday. I don't know much about Quinn, other than he was most recently a defensive coordinator. Fox Creek struggled athletically in the first years of its existence but has been taking noticeable steps forward in the past few years. The baseball team is very good, the basketball team (as evidenced by the fact that it's playing for the state title this weekend) is terrific and the football program posted a winning record and playoff appearance last year. There could be reasons for the surge...heck, I may have written about them at length on this blog and in the newspaper, who knows. I do know this is now considered a good Class A gig. A full story on Quinn's hiring can be read here courtesy of the Augusta Chronicle... |
TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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