I am not a "senior football reporter." I'm not an "NFL insider." I'm frankly not even especially bright, insightful or well-connected. However, I do possess a large bottle of cheap bourbon, free time and a BLAWG, which I feel are the only qualifications needed to offer up a mock draft.
I love the NFL Draft. I'll sit there as the seventh round selections roll by on the crawl and eat up the fact that a team I don't care about is drafting an undersized safety from West Where-The-Hell A&M. I used to have weekend-long draft parties until Roger Gooddell ruined my life by splitting it up over three days and starting in primetime on Thursday night. Hey Rog, working folks can't get loaded and eat cake on Thursday night BECAUSE THEY HAVE TO WORK FRIDAY! Big jerk. Maybe I love the draft because hope spring eternal during the process. No matter how lousy your favorite team was the previous year, you always manage to convince yourself the coaches and GM's you burned in effigy, called incompetent and cussed unmercifully all season suddenly have all the answers and are nimbly filling all the roster holes. Maybe I like the draft because television in general is a big sucky wasteland full of inane reality shows, recycled cop/legal/court drams and unfunny comedies. I don't watch many things not related to football or food and the draft at least gives you something football-esque to watch. Anyway, fellow blawger James came up with the idea of us dropping dueling mock drafts at the same time. Sort of like McShay and Kiper without the shrill voices or crippling widow's peak. So here I go...my first-ever mock draft. Tampa Bay- QB Jameis Winston, Florida State. I've heard he has some off-field issues. I think he stole some sardines from a Kroger and likes to play with BB guns. There's also, um, some other stuff I won't be detailing here. He threw a lot of picks last year and had a physique that looked like it was sculpted from a bowl of mashed potatoes instead of iron sometime before the combine. Taking all that into consideration HE SOUNDS LIKE A SURE THING!!!! However, he also lost one game in two years at Florida State as the starter (there's no doubting he's a winner and a gamer), won a Heisman Trophy, ran an actual pro-style offense and makes big boy throws. Also, Lovie Smith hates Mike Glennon. They need a QB and he's the most apt one in this class to be a superstar. He's either a really tall Russell Wilson or a less self-aware version of Jamarcus Russell. We'll see, I guess. Tennessee- Southern Cal DE Leonard Williams. I'm not totally convinced they won't take Marcus Mariota here or that someone won't trade here to do so. Williams seems like the safe pick, though, when your best pass-rusher had a whopping 6.5 sacks in 2014, your defense sucks in general, you've been kind of a tire fire for a while as an organization and you are tasked with stopping Andrew Luck twice a year. 6'5, 300-plus pound guys with freakish athletic talent don't grow on trees...at least not where I live. That tree would scare the crap out of me. They should take Williams, hope Mettenberger improves or draft a QB like Hundley or Petty a little later. Jacksonville- Florida OLB Dante Fowler Jr. When you're as bad as the Jaguars and basically need everything, I think you just sorta go "best player available." Fowler, I think, could be an OLB or DE, since he's 6'3 with long arms and weighs over 260. He had at least one tackle-for-loss in all but one game last year and 8.5 sacks. He's been moved around a lot and still has more to learn and needs time to grow into one position, but he's dang good. Did you see that crappy third-tier bowl game Florida played in against East Carolina? He looked like a grown man playing with children. A spiteful, mean grown man that stiff-arms five-year-olds at goal line and spikes the ball in little girl's faces. Could possibly go with another weapon for Bortles on offense here too. Oakland- Alabama WR Amari Cooper. Oakland actually drafted well last year and got a good young quarterback in Derek Carr...marking the first time "drafted well" and "good quarterback" appeared in a story about the Raiders without the qualifiers "have not" and "ain't got no" in a long time. Now they should keep being smart by giving that quarterback some weapons, since their skill position players last year were a collection of "WHO?" and "WHY DOES HE PLAY FOR US?" Some people like Kevin White better because he did well at the combine. I like him too, but Cooper just passed the eye test better to me. He didn't play in some slapnuts, 100-plays-a-game, chuck it 70 times offense. Still, he got open, caught the ball, put up stunning numbers and took over games even when you knew the ball was coming to him. Washington- Clemson OLB/DE Vic Beasley. Full disclosure here...I am a lifelong, die-hard fan of both the Redskins and Tigers. I haven't seen any other mock draft with him going quite this high. As with all teams mired in the muck of soul-crushing suckage, we have many needs. O-line, PROBABLY QUARTERBACK, corner and a compliment to Morris at running back are all on the list, but we really need a pass-rusher. I'm not saying our defensive line was old last year, but I am saying a shuffleboard court and bingo tumbler were prominently featured in their meeting room. Some numbnuts said Beasley's combine performance didn't matter, but it really did. Not the 40 and stuff that gets the most attention, because you know he's fast if you've watched him play. The fact that he weighed almost 250 and did 30-some bench reps showed he's more than a lanky guy who racks up sacks but can't do much else. I think he proved he has the size potential and strength to be a great DE/OLB hybrid and a good replacement for Orakpo, who I guess is leaving town. Paired with the Paea signing and the beastly pass-rushing of Ryan Kerrigan, Beasley would make our defensive front formidable. I like him MUCH better than Ray, Gregory, or any of the other DE/OLB types most people have us taking. I have a personal bias, obviously, but I think he's more athletic and productive than either. This pick may be more wish list that mock draft, I guess and I wouldn't be upset if we took the best available offensive lineman or defensive tackle type. Of course, we'll probably trade our pick and next year's first-rounder to the Patriots for a sack of magic beans and a vial of Tom Brady's sweat or something. That's typically how we roll... *Note: Since writing this, it has been reported that the Redskins will definitely take Marcus Mariota if he is available when we pick. Let's see, a really athletic quarterback who ran a funky college system and has never been asked to read a defense. WE HAVEN'T TRIED THAT BEFORE, I'M SURE IT WOULD WORK OUT GREAT!!!! Sigh... New York Jets- Oregon QB Marcus Mariota. I'm going to say right here that I don't feel great about this pick. The Jets could easily go in a couple of other directions and someone may take him ahead of them, but quarterbacks are such a valuable and rare commodity...and the ones the Jets currently have possess odd beards and often play like doo doo, so I guess this is the pick. I know you have to judge a player on his merits and that where he went to school shouldn't much matter, but seriously look at skill position guys from Oregon over the past 10ish years. Joey Harrington? Kellen Clemens? Dennis Dixon? LaMichael James? Kenjon Barner? Samie Parker? Jeff Maehl? Not many NFL success stories there. He has good size, good athleticism and makes good decisions. Also didn't lose much with the Ducks. There are apparently no character concerns at all...seriously, I read that his closest thing to a brush with the law was that he got a speeding ticket once going to speak at a Boys and Girls Club. Nitpicking scouts say maybe he's too close to his family. There's a flaw...lovin' yer mama. He should be tossing the ball around in black-and-white with Wally and the Beav he's so wholesome. I hope he's successful, but he didn't run anything close to an NFL offense at Oregon and I think it'll take time for him to learn. Supposedly works hard, which should help. Chicago- Missouri DE Shane Ray. Their defense was like a turd on a ciabatta roll last year. I have no idea what that means but visualizing a "sandwich artist" asking what kind of cheese I want on my dookie and fancy bread sammy made me laugh. Their defense was bad is my point and they need a pass-rusher...Ray does that real good. Atlanta- Nebraska OLB Randy Gregory. I'm noticing a trend of teams with a big bag of DERP on defense picking high. Probably not a coincidence. The birds miss out on Beasley and Ray in the JENKINS DRAFT 8.9!!!!! and settle for Gregory. He's athletic, gets after the passer and has a good frame, but man he's light. Around 235 pounds on a 6'5 body makes you look more like a small forward than linebacker. They should feed him and whatnot and just spot him as a pass-rusher till he chunks up. New York Giants- Stanford OL Andrus Peat. This just seems like a thing that's going to happen. You have an aging, slow-footed QB who is going to break if you don't start blocking for him. They need to get better up front and seem to like Peat. I'm not going to pretend I sat watched film on him, but he's supposed to be good in pass protection, despite looking like a weeble-wobble with his thick legs and minuscule head. I actually don't know if his head his small or not, but weeble-wobble jokes always kill it...I went for it and it was worth it! St. Louis- West Virginia WR Kevin White. The Rams are stacked on both lines, have a couple of good backs, just traded for Nick Foles...but their wideouts, despite being high draft picks, seem to have been a big 'ol grab bag of bullcrap the past few years. Maybe having somebody other than Hurty McCan'tplay and his collection of back-ups under center will make those guys better, but they should grab a big, fast, productive receiver while they've got the chance. Minnesota- Iowa OL Brandon Scherff. The man's name ends in double "F"s. The extra "F" is for extra FUNKY! Or maybe that's just how it's spelled. Can't think of much else funny to say about an offensive lineman. I don't know much about him, but if you want corn, wrestlers or large men who block well, Iowa seems like a good place to find them. Cleveland- Louisville WR Devante Parker. This may be a kinda high for him, but Cleveland is in dire need of people who don't suck at catching things and running with them. You can say what you want about their quarterbacks last year, but the people around them were the main contributor to the non-existent point totals. Seriously, their best TE was hurt most of the year, Josh Gordon was suspended (and is again) their running game is just OK and Hoyer/Football/Shaw were throwing to guys ranging in skill level from "pedestrian" to "my obese uncle." You could cross-breed the brains of Nikola Tesla and Bill Belichick, put it in a titanium cyborg body with rocket feet and a bazooka arm, play that at quarterback with Cleveland's talent and the results would still be lousy. Plus, am I the only one who thinks that thing would go all "Maximum Overdrive" and rebel against it's human masters? It would leave a path of death and destruction in its wake as it marched to power. Anyway, Parker gives them a viable target and some badly-needed juice. New Orleans- Michigan State DB Trae Waynes. Saints in 2014...great on paper, crap on grass, or turf or whatever it is they play on. Not Payton, Not Brees, not Brees' face woggle, not Graham, not nothing could save the Saints from a colossal nosedive last year. I figure the offense will be OK despite trading the big tall tight end that the elfin little quarterback liked throwing to so much. The defense has to be addressed with multiple picks and they might as well start with a DB many seem to think is the best available despite weighing under 190 and not coming from a conference known for spectacular air shows. He can certainly run, dropping a 4.3-something at the combine and if he can cover, they can use him...badly. Miami- Kentucky LB/DE Bud Dupree. As with a few of my other picks, I haven't seen him going this high in most other mocks, but really, who cares? If you want accuracy and in-depth analysis of the Dolphins' needs, you probably aren't seeking the opinion of some doofus with a meat blawg. Miami will often reach somewhat at a position of need. They've turned loose some defensive starters in the last few days and Dupree has crazy physical skills for a 270-pounder. I think he played OLB at Kentucky where he rushed the passer pretty well and mixed it up versus the run, unlike many of these OLB/DE tweener types. He also has a bad-ass name. What more do you want? San Francisco- Texas DL Malcom Brown. At this point I'm pretty much picking names out of a hat. This organization seems like it's falling to pieces right now. They have a lot of needs for a team that's been good for the past four years. If Justin Smith retires, though, they really need a defensive lineman, their new head coach was the D line coach, this guy plays DL, they are made for each other...like peanut butter and jelly, like Romeo and Juliet, like match tips and borax and cough medicine...OK maybe not that last one. Houston- LSU OT La'el Collins. They could use a WR with Andre Johnson having been released, but that would feel super reach-y here and desperate. You don't want to look desperate. Desperation leads to decisions you'll regret...like in a bar around closing time, when a "no way" turns into a "she'll do" and you have to stop on the way home to get a paper bag and something to blur the memories. Blah blah they need an O-lineman, they can take this one. San Diego- LSU CB Jalen Collins. Back-to-back guys from LSU named Collins. The last guy from LSU named Collins I really remember was Cecil Collins. Remember him? I think he got arrested for going BM in some lady's closet. Or was that Najeh Davenport? Yes, it was Najeh. Nevermind. Cecil did something he ought not have, I think, but hopefully he's doing well now. Anyway, rangy cover corner sounds good for the Chargers, though they could go OL here or pull the first surprise of the night by going Gurley/Gordon in the wake of letting Ryan Matthews walk. Kansas City- Arizona State WR Jaelen Strong. Supposedly not super fast, but a physical receiver with good hands that teams really like. Even after grossly overpaying Jeremy Maclin, the Chiefs need a complete makeover of their receiving corps. Their receivers last year aspired to reach a Cleveland-pedestrian-obese uncle level. Seriously, push the little lever, watch your 2014 wideouts disappear into the swirl, spray Febreze and give Alex Smith someone else to throw to. Cleveland- Washington DL Danny Shelton. Having resisted their normal urge to draft a fatty or someone named Barkevious with their first pick, the Browns indulge their normal tendencies with this 6'2, 330-pounder. Really smart and really active for his size. Philadelphia- Alabama S Landon Collins. Coach Kelly, not to tell you how to handle your business, but don't you need someone to play wide receiver? "Hell no, step ahead of everybody, we're gonna run the Straight-T and a crazy wishbone/single-wing/scrum offense, thus removing our dependence on men of slight build and outsized ego." But, we actually have none on the roster. Don't we need at least one? I mean, for a trick play or to return kicks? "Hell no, I'm gonna punt on third down and have a tight end snap it and guards outside of tackles IT WILL BE FOOTBALL ANARCHY! I need only a sound defense, 27 quarterbacks, some peyote and a map of Montana," (laughs maniacally). Alrighty coach. Cincinnati- Washington CB Marcus Peters. If everyone comes back healthy that was hurt last year, the Bengals should have a good year...as good as you'll have with a QB who poops the bed in the playoffs and a coach who has never won a playoff game ever in his whole life. Peters has prototype size and ability for his position. He also got suspended for pitching a hissy on the sidelines and got kicked off his college team...sounds like a Bengal. In his defense, wouldn't you have a crappy attitude and short fuse if you went through life with the name Peters? Pittsburgh- Florida State DL Eddie Goldman. Brett Keisel and his unkempt beard are gone now so the Steelers need a biggun to plug into the hole. You can plug a mighty big hole with a 340-pound dude...like that one in Arizona people ride donkeys down to the bottom of. Detroit- Oregon DL Arik Armstead. The Lions defensive line right now is comprised of Haloti Ngata, who is still good but getting on in years, and a guy named Ziggy. Suh is gone and Fairley is leaving so a new large person needs to be acquired. He wasn't super productive in terms of stats but is a large person who plays football, is strong, supposedly has good hands and has room to add some weight. Arizona- Mississippi State LB Benardrick McKinney. There's a couple of directions the Cardinals could go. Really, it would be a good time to invest in a quarterback. After Palmer got hurt last year, they auditioned every member of Chucker O'Can'tscore and the Pick Six All-Stars. It was heinous and painful to watch. They won't though, with the top two long gone and having much more dire needs at places like defensive line. The first round talents at that position are starting to dry up, so maybe they'll swing a trade or something to move up. I'm talking out of my rear end at this point. Like I have any clue. As I'm writing this I just read they signed some linemen. I don't know who they are but I'm sure they'll do a heck of a job. I don't think their wide receivers are very good either and maybe they could take Dorial Green-Beckham here but boy that's a mixed bag of insane talent and "he did what now?" I keep reading they may wonder about Andre Eliington's durability and might want to add a backfield mate for him. Really, on this pick, I have no flippin' idea. They could use a linebacker, McKinney's a pretty good one, I'll go with that. Gurley/Gordon is also a possibility. Carolina- Florida OL D.J. Humphries. If things play out the way I've imagined, a perfect fit drops right into the lap of the Panthers. Despite signing Michael Oher, the Panthers still need to add another tackle. If you saw them last year, you realize their tackles weren't turnstiles as much as they were well-lubricated turnstiles. Seriously, some French dude got time on the line last year. When I think fearsome, battle-tested and "handles blitzes well," a French dude is right at the top of my list. Humphries will step right in and start for a long time. Baltimore- Miami WR Phillip Dorsett. They could also use a running back here because, boy howdy, they had a time with their last one. With Torrey Smith leaving they have at receiver Steve Smith Sr. and, uh, give me a minute here, they've got, what's his name? I've seen some mock drafts that have them taking Green-Beckham which actually made me do a snort-laugh given that whole crazy thing they went through last year. They need receivers, particularly one who can stretch the field. Dorsett is about the best one left and can certainly handle the running fast part of his duties ably. Dallas- Georgia RB Toddy Gurley. As I'm writing this the Cowboys haven't resigned DeMarco Murray and it seems like they aren't going to. Even if they do, they rode him really hard last year and can't expect him to duplicate his 2014 numbers for very long. Their back-up steals panty draws from Dillards, which could perhaps speak to a certain level of unreliability. Gurley is coming off a severe knee injury, but he's also the most gifted running back I've watched play in a long time. Despite the injury, he really wasn't overworked at Georgia...not like he got goal-line carries in crunch time because Mike Bobo is smarter than you and I. See, that's what you expect to happen, so he crosses you up! Gurley has the potential to be a special player and is a bargain this low. I do reserve the right to change this pick to CB Kevin Johnson if they resign Murray. Denver- Texas A&M OL Cedric Ogbuehi. What's funny is I already wrote about aging, slow-footed quarterbacks named Manning and how they'll break if you don't block for them. Indianapolis- Wisconsin RB Melvin Gordon. Probably they should try to fix their defense here...I mean like cut everybody and use this pick on a whole, entirely new defense. As it turns out you can't do that. Really, I'm not crazy about a lot of what they've done with their roster since nabbing Luck, Fleener, Allen and Hilton in a great draft a few years ago. I mean, they drafted Bjoern Werner and have tried to make him a LB, where he joined the very exclusive "LBs named Bjoern" club. He's an end, people. They're also loading up on older players in free agency to make a big Super Bowl push, traded last year's first for a slow, unproductive RB they'll cut etc., so, it makes sense they'll pass on defensive help. They could go for Flowers or Clemmings here since they need O-line help and both are still available. If he's not already gone, though, (and Dallas, Baltimore, Arizona or San Diego could grab him before this) I'll figure that the super-productive Wisconsin running back is too good and too much of a value to pass on here. Pairing him with Luck and the rest of the Colts skill talent is a scary proposition. Green Bay- Clemson LB Stephone Anthony. As already mentioned, I'm a Clemson fan, but I've seen a couple of other mock drafts predicting this pick and I think it makes sense. Now, if you'd have told me (despite his 5-star billing) that Anthony would have been a first-round pick after his freshman or sophomore years, I'd have laughed at you...maybe taken you to my attic and locked you in there so you could get a taste of true loneliness, darkness and silence. Maybe then you wouldn't be quite so quick to spout off opinions. Anyway, the Packers let A.J. Hawk go and have a pressing need at LB. Anthony is very fast and plays that way with what seems to be good diagnosis and anticipation. He's always around the ball and developed into a sound tackler. All things the Packers need. I think he's a great fit here. New Orleans- Baylor QB Bryce Petty. You know a first round of the draft isn't going to pass by without at least one major "WHOA!" moment and I think this is it. Now the Saints, probably, will go defense here again or could even look at gigantic person Maxx Williams (to replace Graham). I keep reading, though, that the Saints are starting to prepare for life after Drew Brees and will definitely be drafting a quarterback fairly high this year. They might could get him in the second round and I don't know that I don't actually like Hundley better, but I think Petty has good size, arm and athletic ability. He's also, from what I read, extremely competitive, which starts to give you a bit of a Brees vibe. It would be a perfect situation for him. He could sit and learn for a year or two behind a great player...and sitting and learning is probably good when you play in Baylor's WACKY DO TOOT TOOT!!! offense. Some people are down on him because they say his senior year wasn't great...you know, people who maybe failed to notice that he PLAYED WITH A BROKEN FRIGGIN' BACK. New England- Washington LB Shaq Thompson. Thompson just feels like Patriots kind of guy. He didn't blow it up at the combine as expected, but he plays fast and just makes plays despite being a little undersized. He's also versatile, having played running back, safety and linebacker in college, which just screams "NEW ENGLAND!" He'll fit into the twisted schemes of that flat-balled, monotone, hoodie-wearing, devil robot in Foxboro very well. There it is! My first-ever mock draft. Be aware I might make some updates to it if there are trades, surprise free agent moves or this bourbon wears off.
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Before I get to the picks, I have to expel a tremendous "Shame on You" right into the lap of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Greg Cosell declared Mike Glynnon the "best film quarterback I've seen on a bad team." If you can't build your team on that, good luck propping up the circus tent that's coming along with Jameis Winston... if of course he's ends up there not on the Jets. They seem to love a good circus. Anyway, I agree 100% on the Giants. With Jennings, Williams, and now Shane Vereen, they need some more meat on the front line to plug the gaps,
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TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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