We are supposed to learn from our mistakes. If a child touches a hot stove, it burns him and he is supposed to know from then on that a hot stove burns and he should not touch it. Yeah, doesn't work that way at all. The kid not only touches the hot stove again he licks it. The kid is a big dummy...if by "the kid" you mean "me."
I am a huge spicy food enthusiast and am a fan of The Pepper Palace, a store that stocks hot sauces, hot spice rubs, hot pickles pickles, hot peanuts...you get the point, stuff that's hot. Anytime I go to Myrtle Beach, Charleston or Gatlinburg I make sure to swing by a Pepper Palace location to stock up on stuff. I went to the beach a few weeks back and was running critically low on hot stuff supplies, so I stopped in. Four years ago, I took the "world's hottest hot sauce challenge" at the Pepper Palace. They put a scalding hot glop of sauce on a tortilla chip and instructed me to put it sauce-side down on my tongue. My reward for this exercise in stupidity was, uh, to be able to say I did it I guess. They also snapped a picture of me at my crying, drooling, red-faced pinnacle and put it on the "Wall of Flame" page on their website. My first sign that what I was doing may not have been a great idea is when they made me sign a waiver...A FRIGGIN' MEDICAL WAIVER! I didn't actually read it, but I assume it basically said I would hold them harmless if my face caught on fire or I crapped my pants. Neither of those things happened, but it hurt, badly for a good half hour. It was hard to talk, my nose started running, my chest got tight for a second and my stomach made some really unpleasant gurgling noises. Luckily I had prepped for the challenge with milk and some bananas. They coat your innards and your, uh, exit. This is necessary because hot stuff doesn't just burn going in. No need to be any more graphic than that. Now, fast forward to my recent beach trip. I walked in and started sampling some new salsas and barbecue sauces (they let you taste everything in the store). I tried a honey, rum, chipotle barbecue sauce (more on that in a minute) and a spice rub that tasted like beer. Eventually, I got around to asking the lady working the counter if they had any Carolina Reaper items. The aptly-named Reaper was recently certified as the world's hottest pepper and is grown right in Chester County where I work. The lady told me they did and I was welcome to try some if I was willing to sign a waiver. "MOMMY THE STOVE MADE ME HAVE THE BURNING!" Remembering the last time I had to sign a waiver, I politely declined. See how smart I am. Wasn't going to get burned again. Before I tried the world's hottest hot sauce four years ago, I asked what was in it. I was told it contained undiluted capsaicin (the stuff that makes chili peppers hot) and Ghost Pepper extract. Both are used to make gas grenades in some counties and topical ointments. So, I was basically eating a menthalatum and tear gas sandwich. At the time, the Ghost Pepper was the world's hottest pepper, but it was eventually surpassed by a seething little number called the Scorpion Pepper. The Scorpion was then passed by the Reaper. These facts are quite relevant. I put aside some of the honey, rum, chipotle sauce (did I mention there is more to come on this front?) some barbecue rub and an insidious compound called Nasal Napalm. It's a horseradish sauce that hurts to even smell. Putting some in your mouth makes it feel like you shoved a blowtorch up your nose. In small doses it makes good spicy mustard, I use it to make barbecue sauce and occasionally cocktail sauce. I kept sampling sauces, salsa and rubs, hoping to maybe find something new I'd like. About that time, I saw some ghost chili salsa and opted to pass BECAUSE I'M SO SMART AND IT BURNED ME MOMMY! Right beside it, though, was some Scorpion pepper salsa. I, of course, grabbed a chip and shoveled a big dose of it in my mouth, then bounced over to the barbecue sauce section, found some Scorpion sauce and tried A WHOLE SPOONFUL OF IT. About that time, the accumulated heat of the salsa and sauce punched me right in my big, dumb, never learns a lesson, face. Now, if I skipped the Ghost Pepper sauce because I knew it was hotter than I wanted, why did it not dawn on me that stuff made from a pepper that is even hotter would, you know, be hotter. "Oh wow, this is killing me. That stuff's hot!" said Captain Obvious. "Yeah, that Scorpion is a hot pepper. Hotter than the Ghost Pepper," the lady said. Not in my mind. That stove won't burn me this time. Now, having demonstrated my unique level of dumb, let's demonstrate my crippling inability to focus on one topic and get back to that honey, rum, chipotle sauce. It was INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS. I bought a bottle to bring home. Now, the name tells you most of what you need to know about it. It's a red sauce that manages to capture the flavors of the name. You should be warned that, unlike some weak products that say "chipotle" on the label, this stuff isn't just slightly smokey or a little on the warm side. It's hot, and the more of it you eat in one sitting, the more that heat accumulates. It's not an off-putting level of heat, though, and it balances nicely with the two sweet elements. You get some nice sweetness from the honey and a little bit of a floral note, but neither is overpowering. You can definitely taste the rum too, but you need to put the visual of a fruity girl drink by the pool out of your mind. This is "she's gone, I'm sad and I'm drinking straight from this bottle of strong, distilled molasses" sort of rum. It actually sits right between the honey and chipotle, giving some sweetness and a little bit of a punch. Garlic and onion tastes were both invited to this sauce party too, but they're sort of sitting over in the corner, not talking to anybody. They are there, but aren't dancing and getting all WOO HOO like the honey, rum, chipotle and tomato are. I've tried the sauce thus far on a burger (added some nice kick and balance to a fatty hunk of grilled meat)), ribs (they were sublime) potato chips (this is when I noticed that the heat builds the more you eat, but it was in no way overpowering) and my finger (it tasted like barbecue sauce in that instance...I don't know what it will taste like on your finger, because you might be a heavy sweater or something). Truthfully, I recommend it to anybody that enjoys a bold red sauce with a degree of heat that makes its presence known, but doesn't require a waiver. Read more about the sauce right here...
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TravisI am Travis, the king 0f SC 1A Football Archives
November 2021
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