So, once again I've gotten behind on recapping episodes of "BBQ Pitmasters" what with work and not wanting to write any flipping thing on vacation and whatnot. The season is actually over now, but let's be honest, you don't come here to get the results, you come here for meat jokes. Both of you that faithfully read this blog deserve a full season's worth of reviews and you're gonna get it.
So, once again, three pitmasters show up to parts unknown for some grilling and smoking. How exactly were the three of them able to find parts unknown? Maybe if you get picked for the show they send you a map...or maybe they abduct you in your sleep, put you in a dark box car and toss you out when you get close. Then an old prospector, a really stereotypical one with a pick axe, a furrowed brow and dwindling hope of striking it rich, greets the contestants and simply says "You fellers need to go that'a way." Or maybe not. This week's contestants, whatever week it is I'm talking about here, are Joe Pearce of Squeal Like A Pig BBQ in Kansas City (he came in second in Season Five), Ken Wood, who has the perfect name for a pitmaster or a star of certain types of films, from Memphis, Tennessee and Tim Grant of True Bud BBQ in Kansas. Wood, other than having either an appropriate or hilarious name, is noteworthy for having once made a burnt end on "BBQ Pitmasters" that judge "Big" Moe spit out. Not politely deposited it in his napkin...hocked it like a loog. Grant is known for his success on the circuit, with 35 contest wins in the last three years. The judges called Pearce "baby face" several times. That seemed odd since he has a full beard and mustache. What kind of freaky babies do these BBQ people have? I'm getting sidetracked here...let's move on. Anyway, the three were told they'd be cooking brisket point and rack of lamb. Only roided-out baby man Joe seemed excited about the lamb. He said he cooks it a lot and the other two guys said they'd never cooked it. Inappropriately hirsuted toddler Joe is also renowned for his his work on brisket. He looked like the early favorite. Tim noted that it was real friggin' cold in parts unknown. That made him happy to have an insulated firebox. He had other concerns, though. "What do I know about lamb? Not much," he said. Ken got right to work on his brisket, pronouncing that he was going to use a rub on it that included "pepperico and expresso." Are those things? I don't think those are real things. Why not use magic fairy dust and unicorn dandruff while you're at it. For the lamb, he decided to use his normal BBQ rub and some herbs. "Do you know what the hell you're doing?" judge Myron Mixon asked. Ken said his mix would work. He mentioned that lavender was in the herb mix he was using and that lavender has a nice ring to it. "Arsenic has a nice ring to it too," Myron said. So, the judges seemed on board with what he was doing. Judge Tuffy Stone recommended the use of rosemary, thyme, garlic and olive oil. Early puberty Joe said his plan was to use his regular BBQ rub and do the lamb Kansas City style. All that work was interrupted, though, by the Kingsford One-Bite Challenge. The boys were told they had 30 minutes to cook up some shrimp. Ken decided to make firey Jamaican shrimp, Joe whipped up street tacos and Tim just wrapped his in bacon and grilled them. Once the dishes were turned in, the judges felt Ken's shrimp was overwhelmed by seasoning, Joe's tacos were said to be a little sloppy and his taco shells cold and superfluous. Superfluous shell would make a great band name, incidentally. Anyway, they said he should have just turned in the shrimp, sans shell (another great band name). The judges said Tim's dish lacked imagination and creativity, but was tasty and cooked well. As often happens, the person who keeps it simple won...Tim, by virtue of his victory, got to decide the turn-in order. He opted to go first, said Ken would go second and made Joe go last. Soul patch preemie Joe said he preferred to go last, noting he'd won before when having his food tasted last. He reasoned that having your food be the last thing the judges eat is actually an advantage more than having your food possibly get cold is a disadvantage. All three cooks experienced some late drama. Ken said his "points were leaking." A little saw palmetto would probably take care of that. Unless he meant his brisket points. He might have meant his brisket points. He re-arranged everything in the smoker. Tim worried that the fat wasn't rendering out of his brisket points the way he wanted and Joe decided his lamb was too spicy, so he put his sweet BBQ sauce on it to balance things out. Once everyone turned everything in, the judges got down to business. Moe loved the char Tim was able to get on his rack of lamb and Tuffy said the rosemary he used was a nice compliment. Tim hit the lamb with his rub late in the process to amp up the flavor, but the judges thought that made one side of the lamb too salty. Much to Myron's surprise, he liked Ken's lavender-ish lamb. All the judges liked the smoke flavor he got on the meat, but they knocked him a bit for not getting much seasoning and flavor on one side of the lamb. There seemed to be an indication that just putting BBQ rub and sauce on lamb was a bit of a lazy move by Joe, but the judges fell that the sauce worked. They felt it maybe needed to have been hit with a little dust late in the process and Moe said the face of the lamb was sorta plain. The comments seemed a bit even, which had to be a little bit of a blow for Joe, who theoretically should've dominated the category. The judges liked the presentation on Tim's brisket box. He did all burnt ends and really packed them in there in an effort to maintain heat. Tuffy felt the burnt ends were good but needed "a little pop" and Moe was high on the extra beefy flavor of the meat. Tim, incidentally, did not inject the brisket. See everybody, if you know what you're doing, beef tastes like beef without you shooting it up with something to make it taste more like beef. Sorry, that's a bit of a pet peeve. After showing a replay of Moe spitting out his burnt end in a previous episode, Ken was pretty tense as the judges began to sample his cow cubes...which is an excellent term for burnt ends that I made up just right now. "I'm not spitting this out buddy!" Moe said. WOO HOO! That could be damning with faint praise but it's better than another big ol' hock job. Joe was up next. Tuffy did not care for Joe's presentation at all, but as for taste and tenderness, the descriptions were "great" and "melt in your mouth tender." The judges sent the contestants away so they could discuss things further. They sounded rather confounded, actually. They said the lamb was basically a tie and the brisket was close too. When they called the pitmasters back, Myron said he hated to send two good cooks home, but said that's why he's referred to as a "dream maker and a heartbreaker." Is he also a love taker? Is Pat Benatar making a guest appearance? I guess not. Ken was the first contestant eliminated. So, no trophy or money but Moe didn't spit your food out this time live on camera, if that's any consolation. That left Joe and Tim and the winner is TIMMY! He moved on to the semi-finals by virtue of his win. I'll keep the reviews coming at a more expeditious rate, but in the meantime, for more info on "Pitmaster" go right here...and for info on the fabulous new season of "Pit Wars" clickify this!
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12/5/2015 03:33:28 am
The season is actually over now, but let's be honest, you don't come here to get the results, you come here for meat jokes. Both of you that faithfully read this blog deserve a full season's worth of reviews and you're gonna get it.
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