Barbecue was created, largely, out of necessity. Poor folks had to make use of every part of an animal when they slaughtered it, or could only afford really cheap, super tough, extra fatty cuts of meat at the store. They learned that long, slow cooks made big slabs of crap not only edible, but delicious. It was bare bones stuff...they didn't have much more than a fire, salt and pepper, hydrolyzed vegetable protein and computerized cooking rigs with push button temperature controls. Like I said, they were really poor and Lord help them, couldn't afford any better.
The first semi-final round of "BBQ Pitmasters" was a battle of old school vs. new school, of stick-burning, simple seasoning principles against fancified additives and space age cooking machines...good vs. evil, DOGS AND CATS SLEEPING TOGETHER...MASS HYSTERIA. The three competitors in this edition of Pitmasters had all claimed victory in round one, including Dave Bouska of Butcher's BBQ in Oklahoma. He's a butcher by trade and has embraced newfangledy ways of cooking Q. Bouska also looks remarkably like Milton Waddams from "Office Space." Seriously, from the glasses and mustache to the constant desire to set things ablaze, they're twins. Tim Grant, from kansas, was contestant number two and rounding out the threesome was FRIGGIN' JAMBO! Jamie Geer, a pit-builder (Jambo Pits) of great renown from Texas. The episode demonstrated the somehwat incestuous nature of competition BBQ, since Tim was cooking on a Jambo-built pit and using Dave's line of injections. Dave said if he had to lose, he'd at least be glad someone had to use his products to beat him. Jamie didn't want to lose to someone using one of his own pits, but didn't think that would happen. "I'll beat his ass with this pit, then he'll want to buy one these," said JAMBO! When asked about facing someone as well-versed in meat (and who doesn't want to be described that way) as Dave the butcher, JAMBO! was nonchalant. "I'm gonna take his ass down." Alrighty then. It was revealed that contestants would be cooking gigantic turkeys and bison brisket. Only Jamie had cooked a bison brisket before. Judge Tuffy Stone said those were a tough cook, noting "you've gotta keep moisture on it." Yep, gotta keep it wet (two, three, four). Jamie decided to go simple, traditional, Texas-style, po folks, whatever you want to call it. He basically just used salt and pepper and a little fajita seasoning on his brisket. Dave went all space age, using an injection that contained hydrolyzed vegetable protein, sodium phosphate and xanthan gum...you know, traditional BBQ fare. Judge "Big" Moe Cason said he would worry about over-injecting meat to the point that you just taste phosphates. "I don't think you can over-inject a piece of meat. I think you can over-flavor it," Dave said. He then applied his "premium rub" to the brisket, which contained ammonium bicarbonate, methyl hexenoate and rhodoxanthin...actually I made that part up. He cooks in a pellet smoker, which Tim's assistant snickered at. "People who use pellet cookers are not revered as true pitmasters," David said with a frown. That's because they are pushing a few buttons and walking away like you would with an oven, not building and managing a fire. To me, it's like a Ron Popeil infomercial...just set it AND FORGET IT! I digress. Tim said he didn't particularly want to cook brisket against Jamie and David, but figured since he was there and all, he'd go ahead and give her a go. He used pepper, garlic and onion in his rub and said he wanted to apply moisture at all times, so he laid strips of bacon over the brisket. Jamie also felt the need to add some moisture, laying hunks of beef fat he just happened to bring along, on his brisket. Do what you you want to do, but who just happens to have hunks of fat in their glove box. He said he came prepared to cook anything "from aardvark to zebra." If you think contestants give the judges the stinkeye when they get bison brisket or deer meat, toss a zebra clod or ocelot giblet in the cooler and see what happens. About that time, the judges halted the action and summoned the boys over for the Kingsford One-Bite Challenge. The competitors were told they'd be cooking oysters. "Oh sh!+," Jamie said. "I've never cooked oysters," Tim said. "They look like you blew your nose," Jamie added. So, that was well-received. At least they had a kind and understanding ear in judge Myron Mixon. "Oh well. Sucks to be them," he said. Dave cooked his with bacon and some butter, Tim decided on lemon juice and butter and damn if I remember what Jamie did. The judges liked Dave's but said the butter he used got a little greasy, Tim's was said to be "a little flat" by Moe and too lemony by Myron. Everyone liked Jamie's, whatever it was he did with it, but felt he maybe needed a little salt. He was declared the winner, meaning he got to determine the final turn-in order. He decided he go first, followed by Tim, then David. When the boys got back to cooking, Tim poured au jus and wheat beer on his brisket. David pulled his out, grabbed his knife and separated his deckle...yep, right there on TV. He cut deep into his deckle. Imagine my relief when I realized the deckle is part of the brisket. He wrapped it in foil with some butter and brown sugar and put it back in the smoker with the intention of making burnt ends out of it later. By this time everyone was beginning to work on their turkeys. David, naturally, was able to parse his out quickly, being a butcher and all. He actually had his assistant time him and got the whole thing cut up in 50 seconds. Pretty neat parlor trick...I bet he does that at parties. "Hey missy, I can dissect birds in expedient fashion. Is that hot? That turn you on?" He shot the bird up with chicken injection which contained, among other things, "a proprietary flavor." No idea what that means. Jamie injected his turkey with butter and Cajun seasoning and rubbed it with black, red and white pepper. "I'm a spicy guy," he said. Not to be confused with a spicy meatball, of course. It took Tim a really long time to cut his turkey his up. He applied two layers of rub and got it in the smoker. David pulled his brisket out and re-injected it, this time with "competition au jus broth." "Going back for some more love?" Tuffy asked. "Yep. I'm coming back for some more love," David said as he pumped the meat full of juice (two, three, four). Myron wondered if David wasn't getting a little too scientific, setting himself up to be beaten by someone doing some old-fashioned, good cooking. Tim had poured a bunch of pineapple juice on his turkey by this time. David took his turkey out, and re-injected it with a butter sauce. He applied some sauce and put it back in the smoker, saying he wanted his meat to get really sticky (two, three, four). Tim was very pleased with his brisket, finding it so moist and tender that he decided to do some burnt ends, despite not originally planning to do so with meat as lean as bison. He tossed them in a sweet Kansas City-style sauce and put a sweet red sauce on his turkey. David feverishly poured sauce and au jus on his brisket. Jamie just kinda stood there. "Watching them makes me wanna do something," he said. As Tim cut his turkey he said "listen to the juice coming out of that thing" (two, three, four). Jamie waited until the last second to put his food in the turn-in boxes. He got so rushed he was just ripping meat off the turkey and throwing it in. Tim went with pulled and sliced turkey, while David included some whole pieces and slices. David pointed out that he was the only cook that day to put a whole muscle in the box (two, three, four). Everyone got their food turned in and it was time for judging. Jamie's turkey was said to be smooth with great moisture. Moe said the first thing he tasted when he took a bite was turkey. Myron said he would have liked a little more sauce and Tuffy was disappointed that Jamie didn't turn in dark meat with the skin on. Jamie countered that people rarely eat skin on dark meat at Thanksgiving. They also argue with aunt Myrtle and watch the Lions play football. Not sure what his point was there. The judges said Tim's turkey was well cooked and had good flavor. Moe liked the tang the pineapple juice provided. Again, there was no skin on his dark meat, though, and Myron thought the meat was just a little overcooked. David got kudos for having bite-through skin on his dark meat. He had, by far, the best-looking turkey. However, Myron said that as he bit through his skin, he hit a big pocket of injection. Moe did too. "I've over-injected the meat," Dave opined sadly. Umm, I thought you couldn't over-inject? Confused here. It was then onto the brisket. Tuffy said he didn't like Jamie's presentation, but said it was moist and had good flavor. Moe liked Jamie's burnt ends in particular. Myron said the meat provided "a great, smooth, silky bite" but said it might have been over-peppered. Myron really liked the smokey flavor on Tim's burnt ends but thought they were overdone. Moe thought the burnt end was great and liked the seasoning and smoke on the slices but said the slice also had "a little tug." That's polite person speak for "tough." Tuffy liked the taste but said he got "more chew than is perfect." That's polite person speak for "this be all rubbery and junk." David was said to have the best-looking box (and he did) and the burnt end was said by Myron to be as good as Jamie's. Tuffy said the chew was great but thought the bison flavor "struggled to keep up." Myron said the brisket was more beefy tasting than bisony tasting. That kind of reinforced my belief and earlier point that BBQ is best when kept simple and rustic. You should taste smoke, a little seasoning, maybe some sauce but mainly the meat. David is obviously a good pitmaster and makes injections other competitors even use and he's won on the show before...but push-button, computerized smokers and zanthan gum just don't scream "BBQ" to me. It's sort of like Milli Vanilli. Some producer put an album together, but I guess the actual singers were old or fat or whatever...not made for TV in the "image above all else" age we live in. So he hired some models to stand there, dance around and lip-synch. C & C Music Factory did the same thing, getting a really hot chick to lip-synch in their videos. Your senses were fooled. You liked what you heard (well, I didn't, I thought Milli Vanilli sucked), you liked what you saw and enjoyed the show, but it wasn't what you thought it was. None of it was legitimate. Food can look good and taste good, but are you tasting well smoked, seasoned and cooked brisket or additive-rich rubs and injections? Some people might think it doesn't matter as long as it tastes good, but I do. Why spend 10 hours cooking something only to have it really taste like something else? Why not buy bulk sausage in a can and shoot it up? It'll taste good and it's cheaper and has a quicker cook than brisket. I guess some things can enhance the flavor of food and maybe I'm really just turning into a cranky old man who rejects all things new or different, but, crap, my high horse needs to go back to the barn now. We can discuss it more later. After deliberation, the judges told David he was in third place, undone by the pockets of injection in his turkey. He figured he hadn't moved his needle around enough while shooting up. Ok. That left Tim and Jamie and the winner...FRIGGIN' JAMBO!!!! Jamie won with simply-prepared meat cooked over a fire and advanced to the Pitmaster finals for the first time ever. For more on "BBQ Pitmaster" you can get all clicky clicked right here.
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