HELP WANTED: Local firm seeking energetic candidates to fill exciting positions. If you love travel, meeting new people (and stealing from them) and the potential for HUGE paydays, we want to talk to you today. Physical infirmities, including possessing peg legs or eye patches, are A-OK with us!
That help wanted ad doesn't actually exist, but some of our friends to the north apparently think it does. As I frequently do, I was reading a couple of weird news stories this morning when I happened upon one dealing with what jobs folks in each state are most interested in. Someone did a Google search to find out which jobs are the most searched for in each state. In South Carolina, they came up with "sewer jobs." That doesn't mean "sewer employee" is the job title South Carolinians most covet, it just means no state searched for "sewer jobs" more than us. It's a pretty interesting list and a lot of the most searched job titles do seem to fit. No state searched for "tornado chaser" more than Missouri, a midwestern state that sees its share of tornadoes. No state initiates more searches for "Mt. Rushmore Tour Guide" than South Dakota, which is home to Mt. Rushmore. "Beer brewer" and "taxidermist" show up most frequently in Wisconsin, where they drink a lot of beer and shoot at things...hopefully those activities are done separately. A couple of the job titles really stood out, though, including in North Carolina, which is number one in the country for searching..."pirate jobs." I honestly didn't realize that being a pirate was something you could apply for. Man, my high school guidance counselor really fell down on the job. My assumption was that being a pirate was just an illegal activity you decided to undertake, like making moonshine or robbing banks. I suspect that is really case and that our friends up the interstate are just a little confused, but it got to me thinking, what if "pirate" was a job you could apply and interview for. "Hi there," a potential candidate would say as he walked in the office. "I have an 11 a.m. appointment to speak with Mr. Beard about a job opening." "I'll let him know you're here, but one tip, Beard is not a last name. His name is Captain Bluebeard and its best not to mispronounce it. He's already had a few tankards of grog this morning, so that temper is liable to flare up on him. Just letting you know." The applicant is then escorted into Captain Bluebeard's office. "OK Johnny, I've looked over your resume and there's a lot to like here. Good educational background, we checked your references and they said you were a hard worker. Couple of questions, though. Have you ever slain a giant sea monster? A Kraken, or a fire-breathing dragon that feeds on the flesh of sailors? Anything like that?" "No sir, I have not. However, you'll notice I listed 'problem solver' and 'embraces new challenges' on my resume. I would certainly be willing to learn." "Great. Glad to hear it. Now, do you have a fondness for wearing jaunty hats, jewelry and clothing that's job-inappropriate? You know, it doesn't really make a lot of sense to wear expensive silk shirts with flashy red sashes when you're in the midst of a sword fight or swabbing seagull poop off the deck, but that's sort of our thing." "I am willing to wear the uniform of the trade or follow any dress code." "Outstanding, this is going well. Now, out of curiosity, would you have any moral qualms about chopping off a man's head with a sword to get his gold? I guess technically some people would consider that 'stealing' and 'murder.' We wouldn't ask you to do that to any maidens, of course, but you would need to frighten them in such a way as to have them hand over their baubles. Or, let's say I deemed a fellow pirate disloyal. Would you have any hang-ups about forcing him to walk the plank, sending him to a watery grave?" "You know, I beat up kids in grade school and took their lunch money. Decapitating a fellow to steal his wealth is just a grown-up version of giving a fat kid a wedgie and stealing his Capri-Sun, the way I see it. Also, you'll see that recommendation letter I included from a former boss says 'takes direction well.' So if you, as my supervisor, said to throw someone off the boat into shark-infested waters, I'd certainly do as told." "Ever pillaged before?" "Not familiar with that practice but I'm always looking to add to my professional skills." "Great answer young man. Now, we do provide meals. They run the gamut...we hijacked a boat filled with steaks and ice cream the other week, so we ate pretty well for a few days. A lot of the time, though, it's whatever fish we can catch. On slow fishing days, it's gruel. It's not even good gruel, just between me, you and the wall. Lukewarm and brackish. Our cook is a solid sailor, but always wearing that eye patch, maybe all the ingredients get in the pot and maybe they don't. Always got that bird perched on his shoulder too. Can't be sanitary, but he works cheap and knows his way around sand bars." "You know what, one less expense is the way I look at that. Free meals is quite a perk." "We sleep in really close quarters, about 10 to a room and most of the fellows don't bathe much. They sort of smell like sardines and depression. Some of them, uh, are particularly unclean. Have bugs and whatnot." "I listed 'functions well in a team environment' on the application. I can adapt and, hey, I probably won't even notice the stench after a few days." "You sound like my kind of guy. OK, last question...adventure and travel are great, but most of the guys in this outfit, naturally, are in it it for the booty. They want to know what their cut of the booty will be and I..." "HAHAHAHA!!!!!!" "Why are you laughing?" "I'm sorry Captain Blueberry, but you said booty, and that just broke me up a little. It's a funny word, tee hee hee." "It's another word for 'treasure.' Booty means gold and diamonds to us pirates. It's fairly common lingo among nautical terrorists. Dangit, this always happens. Things were going so well...you know, you may not have the temperament we're looking for after all." "I don't wanna blow this. I'll take whatever booty I can get HAHAHA!!!!" "Sorry pal, the damage is done. We'll keep your information on file, but now if you'll excuse me, we have another interview lined up. I've got a Sparrow, Jack Sparrow, coming in for a noon interview. He may be a better fit for us, but hey, good luck out there."
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November 2021
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