You ever read a news report about somebody being mauled by an animal at the zoo? Not one that's the animal's fault, but one where Ned thinks it would be hilarious to drop his britches, hop in the cage and holler "Hey bear...look at my butt, look at my butt, look at my butt." If you shake it in the face of a large, wild, hungry animal and said animal eats your whole entire butt off, that's kinda on you hoss. Don't goad the bear. What does this have to do with "Barbecue Pitmaster?" It's called foreshadowing kids.
So, on this week's "all-stars" edition of the show, which was again set "just outside of Austin", which, as an aside, continues to bother me. Should their coy description of their location bother me this much? I'm a stickler for details I guess. If you're in Pflugerville just friggin' say so. Anyway, they were in the same sort of barnyard-looking place as last time. This week's competitors included Shad Kirton, who won season two of Pitmasters and bragged that he'd never lost on the show. Up next was Lee Ann Whippen, of Chicago Q, who was one of the stars of the first, documentary-style, season of Pitmasters and has been on as a competitor a few other times. That included the second season when she came in second to Kirton. "I beat her once, I'll beat her again," said Ike Turner...or, Kirton I mean, drawing whoops from the judges table. Lastly we have Jamie Geer, a competition cooker and builder of Jambo Pits, which are reputed to be among the finest in the barbecue-cooking world. Whippen actually brought a Jambo Pit to the contest. Geer has never won on Pitmaster, however. Next was the big meat unveiling, where the contestants learned they'd be cooking whole, gigundous slabs of prime rib (Whippen said it looked like half a cow) and chickens. Kirton and Whippen (who are both professional chefs) both got right to work on the beef. Geer, a world-champion chicken cooker, scoffed at that notion, noting that the chicken needed to be prepped first. He started mixing up a brine to soak his chicken in. Kirton rubbed his prime rib with salt and pepper and a lot of garlic. He said he'd be powering his smoker with cherry wood. Whippen, whose daughter was assisting her, mixed up a rub that was heavy on salt, pepper and sugar. That was an odd twist, because most contestants specifically try to cater their food toward what they know Myron likes and he frequently expresses his displeasure for sweetness on beef. Though she brought her Jambo Pit, Whippen also said that she'd brought along "an egg and a bullet." So, she's gonna do an anatomy lesson at some point? Oh, my mistake, an egg cooker and a bullet smoker. You can understand my confusion. Well, it's a good thing Whippen brought back-up, because she ran into trouble right away with her Jambo Pit. She wanted to get the temperature up around 300 but couldn't get it to even 200. Turns out, she was using wet wood (let the moment pass...breathe...don't say anything...just say "two, three, four" and let it go) which made lots of smoke but not a whole lot of fire. Myron came over to check things out. "You ain't got no fire in it," he said. Whippen said the fire was getting there and she would start off on the bullet or egg if need be. Myron sort of scolded her, saying you would normally check your wood before coming to a competition. He mentioned wet wood could make for bitter smoke. "Tomorrow might be your day, but it's gonna be too late," he said. Whippen got a little teary-eyed. "He hurt my feelings," she said. OK, well that was uncomfortable. Not fun watching a woman cry over wood...let's rephrase that, over meat...(two, three, four) aaaand moving on. Geer had gotten onto his prime rib by this time, rubbing it with salt, pepper and garlic powder. He said his plan was to keep it "Texas simple." "I'm going to wow the judges with perfect perfection," Geer said. Perfect perfection? I spent a long time considering how flawlessly immaculate something would have to be to attain perfect perfection. It made my head hurt and I think it earned him use of a timeshare condo on Redundancy Island...a lovely place with sandy beaches and an ATM machine on every corner. By this time Whippen had moved onto her chicken, putting a spice rub and butter under the skin. She sort of glazed it in honey and wrapped it in bacon. Geer had taken his chicken out of the marinade and put a reddish rub on it. Kirton said he hated chickens because they were easy to cook but also easy to screw up. He butchered his chicken and decided to cook it on his grill. His plan was to turn in hind quarters, though he'd also cook the breast to have just in case. About this time, Myron told the cooks to stop what they were doing, because it was time for the Kingsford one-bite challenge. They were told they had 30 minutes to concoct something out of pork tenderloin...Geer was just thankful they weren't given cooter (he actually said turtle but cooter is funnier). That isn't a lot of time to work with, so Geer cut his into chops and applied rub, saying he was going to treat it like a rib. Kirton made up some apple slaw and applied a cherry glaze to the meat, while Whippen made a habanero glazed chop and some pineapple salsa. At turn in, the chef skills of Kirton and Whippen were apparent. They literally presented the judges with bite-sized pieces of meat. Whippen's plate had the small meat pieces sitting on top of the salsa. It really looked nice. Kirton's went a step beyond that, with each piece of meat resting at the end of a fork with the slaw on top. Geer turned in big ol' hunks of messy-looking meat and felt sure he was doomed. Whippen's one-bite got high marks, but the judges felt the pineapple salsa outshined the meat. The judges were floored by the presentation of Kirton's entry but thought they could taste the slaw more than the pork. They called the appearance and effort-level of Geer's "uninspiring" but loved the flavor and he won, meaning he got to decide the order of the final turn-in, a strategic advantage. He went first (you always go first), decided Whippen would go second and he stuck Kirton last. That's a bad spot to be in, because your meat will likely get cold by the time the judges eat it. Everybody went back to their pits. Geer checked his beef temp and got concerned when the inside portion read much lower than the outside. He decided to jack up his smoker temperature. Whippen started to prepare her chicken, but she just started hacking at the bird with a big knife like Jason Vorhees would with fornicating teenagers. She also showed a not very artful touch in applying the sauce. It was gloppy, drawing more critique from the judges...Myron called her whole day "a train wreck." Kirton seemed to be having no problems at all. Nope CLEAR SAILING for him. He cut up some big slices of the beef and put them in the box, but also put some shavings in just to set himself apart. In the chicken box, he opted not to put in breasts, reasoning that the big hind quarters wouldn't leave enough room. He did throw some nice-looking wings in just to have some white meat in the box. Everyone got their stuff turned in just in time. Geer was judged first. The judges liked the flavor of his chicken, but as Tuffy Stone bit into his piece, the skin pulled badly. You want nice, clean, bite-through skin on chicken, not a rubber band. Whippen's chicken was said to be good, but again, the skin pulled as Big Moe bit down and the sauce was said to look sorta sloppy. Kirton's skin was bite-through, was lauded for taste and tenderness...but putting in wings instead of breasts was deemed to be the act of a weenie. Before the prime rib was judged, Myron asked if any of the contestants had tried their prime rib. Geer and Whippen had, Kirton had not. "Why would you not taste you prime rib?" asked the bear, I mean Myron. "Look at my butt, look at..." wait, that's not what Kirton said. He said he knew it was good. Myron made him come up and taste it. Kirton said it tasted like prime rib. "Does it taste like great prime rib?" Myron asked. "It does to me, but does it to you?" Kirton shot back to the bear, I mean Myron. Why do I keep calling him that? At this point they did a cutaway of Whippen wondering just why in the hell you'd shake your naked fanny...I mean, talk to Myron like that, since he pretty much holds your fate in his hands. Even though he struggled with getting the internal temperature where he wanted it and the judges said the pieces they got were not totally evenly cooked, Geer's prime rib was judged to be very good. Whippen got some grief for turning in tiny little slices of the beef, since she was given a trinormous hunk of cow to cook, but the flavor got high marks, to the point that the judges said they wouldn't have known she'd had problems based on the taste. That shows great skill as a pitmaster, they said, which hopefully unhurts her feelings. Kirton's prime rib was a hit in terms of doneness, taste and texture. Big Moe said the comment he wrote on the card was "W-O-W, exclamation point." He was dinged a little bit for the shavings, which the judges said seemed superfluous and didn't taste any different than the slices. After sending the contestants off for a minute for some more deliberation time, the judges called them back. In third place was...Kirton. Now, based on the comments alone, he sounded like the winner to me (and fellow blawger Jed Blackwell). Perhaps going third did hurt him a little and maybe the decision not to include breasts in the box cost him more than I thought. It's also possible that we, the viewers, were manipulated. If every clue you are given on a reality or competition show indicates the eventual outcome, there's no point in watching the whole thing. For the sake of making compelling TV, there has to be some drama and intrigue. Let's say you're watching a singing show and contestant Jim Bob is said to "sing like dookie" while judges hail Lerlene as "the blessed angelic successor of both Patsy Cline and Mariah Carey...her range is colossal, her stage presence mesmerizing and her soul is on display in each achingly delicious note that wafts away from her sweet lips." Why would you watch the finale...unless there is some chance Lerlene is going to be the surprise loser? That's interesting...but an expected one-sided ass-whipping that turns out to just be a one-sided ass-whipping is not. My last theory is that he ticked Myron off with his kind of flippant attitude. HE GOADED THE BEAR AND GOT HIS WHOLE BUTT EATEN OFF! In second place was...Whippen. Nothing beats perfect perfection Lee Ann! Geer, by virtue of his first-ever win on Pitmasters, advances to the next round. So until the next episode, don't wave your naked butt at a bear and go right here for more info on Barbecue Pitmasters.
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