Sometimes I struggle to come up with topics for the goofy column I write every week as part of my newspaper job...and sometimes I get press releases about underpants that smell like meat and the column pretty much writes itself.
I receive a few hundred emails a day, most of which are of the "I'm running for office, please give me money," "these pills will turn you into a wild animal," "the government doesn't want you to know about this video" or "your dream vacation to Nebraska is just a click away" junk variety. Sometimes, though, the intraweb Gods will deliver a special gift to me, like tighty whities that smell like pork. No, really! I got an email this morning with the simple subject line "Bacon-scented underwear." Obviously, this required further investigation. "J&D’s Foods, makers of Bacon Salt®, is pleased to announce the launch of Bacon Scented Underwear™, the world’s first underwear that looks and smells like bacon," the press release says. This can't be real, I thought. "Yes, this is real," the release said. Wow...it's like the bacon draws people can read my mind! They must've known I'd be skeptical. I should've known this was a real thing, though, because Bacon Salt is a real product. Since bacon-scented candles, some ghastly bacon/mayonnaise cross-breeding, bacon-scented toilet paper, bacon-scented shoes, bacon bandages, bacon dental floss, bacon soap and bacon-flavored soft drinks are all things that actually exist on this planet, why should I have doubted bacon underwear? For crying out loud, there's even a board game called "Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure." I wonder if that's like Pee Week's Big Adventure? Lost bike? Basement in The Alamo? Who know? Anyway, there shouldn't really be a shock value to porcine-smelling skivvies, but there is the question of how you market such a thing. I mean, I love almost everything about bacon, from its smoky flavor to the way one bite can contain the crunch of crisped meat and the next the unctuous chew of not-totally-rendered-out fat. I also like underpants, I guess, since I do wear them every day. Those two things seem like an odd marriage to me since I can't eat underwear and I don't want to, oh how to phrase this delicately, have portions of my lower body smelling like the Waffle House. I mean, I like Snicker bars and I like hot dogs, but mashing the two together would look like, oh how to phrase this delicately, something I don't want to eat. Nuts and nougat and burned weenies together don’t sound very appetizing. So what say you, purveyors of bacon jockeys? What is your pitch? "Marrying the ultimate in comfort and cured meat, J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear represents the gold standard of meat-scented luxury undergarments. Each pair is hand crafted in the USA to offer the support of briefs, the freedom of boxers and the smell of breakfast cooking in your pants. You really can have it all," the release says. OK...humor is a pretty effective means of moving product. Points for that. Really, though, let's examine those last three sentences. They claim to be the gold standard of meat-scented luxury undergarments. Are there any other companies out there making meat pants? They say they are the gold standard, so does that mean there are substandard manufacturers of the same product. If so, I imagine the company would be named something like "Jim Bob's stanky cube steak panties" or "Willie Ralph's stand-up weenie boxers." "Have you ever wanted to capture the smell of those salty little cans of weiners...IN YOUR PANTS?! Well thanks to Willie Ralph, now you can!" Next, it notes that each pair is crafted with pride in the USA. I'm in favor of Americans having jobs, so that part is good and really, can you imagine a worse fate than working in a bacon underwear sweatshop? Would it be worse to sew the draws together or be the one charged with "scenting" them? Then, would there have to be someone who smells the underpants to verify the bacon smell? "Bacon draws sniffer" would be the worst job title ever. I'm glad to know that if anyone is doing that, they are adults being paid an actual wage. Lastly, we are told the underwear provides support, freedom and "the smell of breakfast cooking in your pants." Again, I have to tread lightly here but, have you ever actually fried bacon? It's worth it in the end, but man, it spits lots of scalding hot grease at you while it's cooking. Are you comfortable with the thought of hot grease being, uh, in that location? I'm not. I'm not at all. Pants don't come with ovens sewn inside them for a reason man... Pictures of the bacon underwear are included. They don't really look like bacon so much...they are red (so my tighty whities comparison was inaccurate) and have a picture of bacon on them with the phrase "stop and smell the..." They apparently come in different sizes and styles for men and women. The bacon is positioned in such a way as to be sort of suggestive. Suggestive meat cartoons? I'm moving along now. I figure this would have to be a couples purchase. I mean, my wife likes bacon and all, but I don't think she's going to go for me smelling like it unless maybe she does too. Even then...no. I'm pretty sure most ladies don't want to smell like hog meat, in fact. That's just a really tough sell. "Come on baby, let's do this together. Smell like meat for me!" That's maybe the oddest sentence I've ever written. If you are married to a vegan, would wearing pig draws be kind of a deal-breaker? I'm just asking. The release notes that the smell of bacon will linger on the garment for six to 12 months through multiple washings. How bacon-y the smell comes across is apparently somewhat dependent on "the strength of your own scent." Eww! What if my natural scent is that of eggs? It would be the perfect combo! "Hey mom, you know how I've always had that weird, kind of eggy smell? Well, I think I fixed it!" egg-smelling guy would say to his mother. "Really? You've found something to cover it up? Thank God." "Even better! I found something to compliment it!" I'd think most people take active steps in their daily lives not to smell like meat, particularly in the lap area but if you're so inclined, you can visit BaconUnderwear.com for more details and purchasing information. It took a lot of restraint for me to NOT make every comment that crossed my mind...you're welcome. I've always wondered what the initials of BVDs underpants stood for. I guess maybe I've figured the first letter out now. The complete press release without my ridiculous asides is below… J&D’s Foods, makers of Bacon Salt®, is pleased to announce the launch of Bacon Scented Underwear™, the world’s first underwear that looks and smells like bacon. Yes, this is real. Marrying the ultimate in comfort and cured meat, J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear represents the gold standard of meat-scented luxury undergarments. Each pair is hand crafted in the USA to offer the support of briefs, the freedom of boxers and the smell of breakfast cooking in your pants. You really can have it all. Featuring state of the art moisture-wicking, scent-emission technology stolen from NASA, we’ve embedded the smell of everyone’s favorite smell into the fabric of your pants. This intoxicating scent will last through multiple wash cycles and wearings - depending on the (ahem) strength of your own scent, your underwear should continue to smell like bacon for up to 6 months or even a year. Our legal team has advised us to post the following serious warnings: • J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear is not recommended for people in the following professions: mail carriers, zookeepers, veterinarians, dog catchers and walkers, and circus performers (especially lion tamers). • If you have a large dog with razor sharp teeth, please do not fall asleep in J&D's Bacon Scented Underwear. • If you are hiking in the woods where bears are known to roam, please do not wear Bacon Scented Underwear without also carrying a firearm. J&D’s Bacon Scented Underwear is available exclusivly at www.baconunderwear.com for $19.99 per pair and comes in men’s and women’s styles and sizes. And oh yeah, we also invented the future of Bacon recently (www.candyyourbacon.com). No biggie. Thanks again for your continued support of the Bacon Arts.
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November 2021
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