Some of us use our forced free time at home to better ourselves, to pursue worthwhile projects and clasp our loved ones a little bit closer to our bosom. Some of us use it to write about football and poop jokes. Guess which category I fit into…?
1. Cincinnati Bengals- Joe Burrow, QB, LSU Technically, the ol’ Red Rocket is still on the team, but that doesn’t seem like a thing that will be true for much longer. Even if he does, the ol’ Ginger General has pretty much shown you over the course of nine NFL seasons what he is, that being a competent QB who rarely loses you games, but rarely is the reason you win them either. If the Bengals aspire to stop being a moribund grease fire (which they actually might not) it’s time for an upgrade at the game’s most important position. Burrow is coming off one of the greatest seasons in college football history, having thrown for almost 5,700 yards, 60 TDs and having racked up a “he did what now?” completion percentage of 76.3 percent. He won the Heisman and led LSU to an undefeated season and a national title. He was very accurate on deep throws, has a moxie that teammates seem to gravitate towards, he has ideal size (6’3, 220) and is fairly athletic and elusive (he actually had mid-major interest as a basketball player coming out of high school). So why is he not considered an absolute slam dunk to go first overall by some? Well, he couldn’t win the starting job at Ohio State and transferred out, his junior numbers were fairly pedestrian, he doesn’t have a bazooka for an arm and maybe some folks view him as a product of a good system and better players around him than he’ll have in Cincy. Still, the upside is there. Once old Fire Noggin exits, the Bengals depth chart will feature Ryan Finley (meh) and Jake Dolegala (who I previously was unaware existed on planet Earth), so he’ll certainly represent an upgrade. He also has a chance to elevate the entire organization. What do the Bengals have to lose, aside from more games? 2. Washington Redskins- Chase Young, DL, Ohio State Being a Redskins fan (which I regrettably am) is kind of like having a mean, old dog for a pet. Sure, he might drop hot ones on your sofa, maybe he incessantly humps your leg, maybe he ate one of your children…but he’s still kinda cute despite the mange spots and wonky eye and you’ve had him so long that you sorta, kinda love him anyway and keep him around (Have I mentioned I’m terrible at making analogies?). We suck and have for a long time, is my point here. Still, we hired a coach who seems to know his butt from a mailbox (which is a good starting point), so MAYBE there is a reason to be guardedly optimistic. We frankly have MUCH more pressing needs than another pass rusher (offensive line, tight end, running back, wide receiver, secondary, ownership…so almost literally everything), we don’t currently have a second round selection and we’ve used a lot of high picks on D linemen in recent drafts, but Young is one of the surest things on the board and is just too talented to pass up unless someone backs up a Brinks truck to FedExFIeld with an insane amount of draft picks and treasure. Young is like the frightening offspring of a chainsaw and an ill-tempered dinosaur…the kind that flies and has rocket launcher in its wings. You know the one I mean, you took history class. Anyway, he’s an athletic freak, he had 16.5 sacks and six forced fumbles IN TWELVE DADGUM GAMES! I’ve read he may not have “great field awareness” and it is fair to note he was a non-factor in Ohio State’s playoff loss to Clemson, but there’s almost nothing else to ding him on. He’ll provide Washington with an unholy pass rush trio (along with Sweat and Kerrigan) and maybe help mitigate our shaky back end…or Washington will crap on the couch and eat another baby. Who can tell? 3. Detroit Lion- Jeff Okudah, CB, Ohio State Wow, I wrote a lot of crap for those first two picks. Time to economize on words a little. Detroit is desirous of finding someone who doesn’t suck at covering receivers, Okudah fits the bill BOOM!!!! 4. New York Giants- Mekhi Becton, OT, Louisville Every metric available indicates that having your quarterback viciously diddled by opposing pass rushers is a net negative for offensive production. The Giants are going with second-year pro Daniel Jones under center and while he had some nice moments as a rookie, the terms “escape-ability,” “elusive” and “fleet of foot” rarely appear in the same sentence with Jones’ name unless accompanied by “ain’t got no” or “flat out ain’t” so protecting him should be the top priority. There are GLARING holes at other positions, but need plus the general manager’s fondness for large people that put a hand on the ground lead us to Becton. He was already projected to go in the first round then threw down a 5.1 40 time at the combine at 6’7 and 364 pounds. So he’s a house, basically…a house with horsie legs. He had a productive career at Louisville too though he’s not quite as physical as his size would indicate (this magazine I bought says so, therefore it must be true) but that size, tremendous athletic ability for a giant human and on-the-field production indicate he’s up to the task of improving the passing and running games in New York. 5. Miami Dolphins- Tua Tagovailoa, QB, Alabama If you take out the medical red flags here, this is an absolute steal of a pick even at number five. Also, if you took poop out of a toilet you’d have a really big cereal bowl (Was that better? A better analogy than my last one? I’m thinking not, actually). The Alabama QB doesn’t have old school “traditional measurables” for the position at 6 feet and 217 pounds, but smaller guys have excelled at the position in recent years, so that isn’t really an issue. He’s a winner, he has a career 8-to-1 TD-to-interception ratio, he moves well in the pocket, he’s very accurate and has a good enough arm to make most NFL throws. However, in his brief time as a starter (about two-plus seasons) he required surgery on both ankles, suffered a broken nose, missed time with a concussion and then had a horrific hip injury late last season. It’s the same injury that ended the career of Bo Jackson. Now, by all accounts he’s recovering very well, but do you use a pick this high on a guy you aren’t ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN will be back to his old self and seems prone to further injury even if he does? The Dolphins seemed content to suck on purpose last year, but piled up lots of draft picks in the process. Do they use that ammo to move up and get Burrow or Young (a pass rusher is another need)? Do they take the best offensive tackle available here (a definite need) or give a LB corps that currently features guys that fall between “pedestrian” and “elderly person with a troubling limp” on the talent meter a giant boost with Isaiah Simmons? They could make one of those moves and try to get by with Fitzmagic or see what Josh Rosen can do with actual talent around him, but I say they go the high-risk/high-reward route with Tua. 6. Los Angeles Chargers- Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon Man, I just don’t feel good about this pick at all. Now, the Chargers BADLY need a QB. The long tenure of Phillip Rivers has ended (he packed up and took all 27 of his children to Indy) and the team’s current depth chart under center includes Tyrod Taylor and Easton Stick. I actually like Taylor, but he seems like a bridge to a younger guy. I was heretofore unaware that Easton Stick was a living person, but he’s named like an actor in a BOW CHICKA WAH WAH movie, so that’s something, I guess. Anyway, Herbert certainly LOOKS like a starting-caliber QB. He’s got the size (6’6 and 236) and ran a 4.6-something 40 at the combine, so he’s obviously a good athlete. He also has a big-time arm, more so than the guys I have going in front of him. If you just look at his overall numbers from this past year (3,471 yards, 32 touchdowns, only six picks, a completion percentage of 66.8 and five rushing TDs) he looks like a finished product. However, if you actually watched him play, you realize he was pretty up-and-down and just kinda disappeared for long stretches. He rushes throws sometimes and seems to lack touch at times. Based on his physical tools and experience, I’m sure he’ll go high and maybe the right coach and the right scheme will help him reach his full potential, which is considerable. He’s just not there quite yet… 7. Carolina Panthers- Isaiah Simmons, Freak, Clemson “Oh no. Our stud hoss, do-everything, chunk-of-hell LB retired. Whatever shall we do?” distraught Panthers fans said. Clouds part. Harp gliss is heard. Golden ray of sunshine beams down from the heavens. Look, Luke Kuechly was a special player and leader and replacing him won’t be easy. However, if the draft goes as I’ve predicted, the Panthers are in position to get perhaps the best player on the board. Take what I say with a grain of salt if you like (since I’m a huge Clemson fan) but look at the production (102 tackles, 16 TFLs, eight sacks, three picks and nine PBUs) and the unholy combine numbers. He’s 6’4, nearly 240 pounds and ran a 4.39 40…so elite cornerback speed in a defensive end’s body. He played DE, safety and LB at Clemson, a level of versatility that will make him invaluable at the next level. Honestly, his ability to blitz, drop into coverage and play the run helped mask and compensate for the lack of experience the Tigers had up front on defense. In that sense, he almost reminds you of Brian Urlacher, who played a kind of hybrid safety position in college. The Panthers would sure take that. 8. Arizona Cardinals- Andrew Thomas, OT, Georgia Up until they managed to steal Nuk Hopkins from an obviously intoxicated Texans front office a few weeks ago, WR was an area the team was going to have to address with a high pick. Prior to getting one of the best WRs in the game for a sack of magic beans, the receiving corps ranged from guys who should be meeting their friends at Hardees at 5 a.m. to enjoy a free coffee and complain about “these kids today with their saggy dungarees” (Larry Fitzgerald) and non-descript gentlemen with last names like Isabella. That problem is fixed now, though, so they can instead address an offensive line that was sort of like a well-lubed, rocket-boosted turnstile last season. Yep, just run right through it, stay between the velvet ropes and go violate the sanctity of their backfield. Thomas has “twitchy movements to mirror,” “gets to lateral landmarks in the run game,” “maintains a strong base” and other BS scouting terms which mean “is good.” 9. Jacksonville Jaguars- Javon Kinlaw, DL, South Carolina Having the likes of Abry Jones penciled in as a starter on the D line doesn’t say “this position is well-fortified” as much as it says “HAHAHAHA THROWING THE BALL IS FUN AND EASY.” Enter Kinlaw, a huge, disruptive player that is very much like an elephant on roller skates. It’s seven tons of meat rolling out of control, just goring people with those tusks and flailing hapless blockers with big leathery ears and a scary trunk. Or something like that. He’ll make them better is my point. 10. Cleveland Browns- Tristan Wirfs, OL, Iowa “Tristan Wirfs” sounds like a big corn-fed dude from Iowa…or maybe the tuba player in a mediocre polka band playing on the secondary stage at some big sausage festival. Good-natured guy in green shorts with suspenders, drinking a lukewarm Aecht Schlenkerla Rauchbier in between sets. Wanna hear “The fat wiener schnitzel polka?” Put a few bucks in the tip jar and he’ll get to it. What was I saying now? Oh, the Browns need a tackle, Wirfs is a good one, so they should take him here. 11. New York Jets- Jerry Jeudy, WR, Alabama Aside from their QB kissing a lady who wasn’t clean last year, the Jets kinda, sorta, semi, halfway looked like something other than the bottomless pit of ineptitude and suck that has marked the majority of their existence. They have some nice pieces in some spots…a phrase that requires the modifier “of dookie” as it applies to WR. Jeudy can help there. He’s very productive (consecutive 1,100-yard-plus receiving and 23 TDs the last two years), is a blazer, has pretty good size and is scary with the ball in his hands. Things other Jets WRs are not. Should make the team’s cootie-catching signal-caller even better. 12. Las Vegas Raiders- CeeDee Lamb, WR, Oklahoma “I tell ya what man, we need somebody who can scare a defense and suck the life out of them. I feel like maybe we could sign Dracula or something, man, but then we could only play night games and hope they don’t sell garlic in the concession stands, man. Or silver bullets…which actually might apply more to Wolfman, but who knows if you’re getting the wolf or the man, man. I’m looking at a wolf and thinking he can play Mike LB for me, man, because he can eat up blockers. Like, literally eat them, which might get a flag, man. But if it’s just the man, man, then who is that man? Now this guy here is named lamb, but he’s more like a goat or something, man. He climbs mountains and has a beard and makes funky-smelling cheese. I think they have horns too, which really helps wiggle the chicken stick in the happy house, man. I think horns are scarier than fangs, man. The next great horror movie should star this goat guy we’re drafting, man.” Thanks coach. 13. San Francisco 49ers- Henry Ruggs, WR, Alabama With only two pick in the first four rounds, I can actually see the 9ers trading back to stock up a bit. I say this like I have any clue what the hell I’m talking about. I write a blog about high school football and meat. So I’m pretty much yanking scenarios about team strategy out of my hind end. A corner or some youth on the O line would be helpful, but maybe they can upgrade at receiver to compliment Deebo Samuel and George Kittle and make Jimmy G’s job a little easier. Ruggs isn’t the biggest guy, but he has more speed than a Kentucky truck stop, has to be accounted for at all times and will take the top off defenses with his ability to stretch the field. Could really transform the 9ers attack. 14. Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Jedrick Wills, OT, Alabama Remember that stuff I said about not letting opposing defenses savagely flog your QB? You may not…that was several picks ago and we’re both different people now, Angie. Anyway, it’s especially applicable when your QB should be playing checkers on the front porch of a country store, or whittlin’. Tom Brady is an upgrade over the finger-licking, seafood poaching, interception machine that has led this offense previously, but let blitzers dole out a few good rootins to him and he’s done. So, drafting this large person to block people seems like a good move. 15. Denver Broncos- Derrick Brown, DT, Auburn Ideally, Denver would be taking a WR or OL here, but the top couple of guys at both positions are already gone. They could get desperate and reach at one of those positions, but desperation and reaching aren’t the way to go. Don’t settle for “aside from the ear hair and smelling like cheese, she’s not bad” when “HEY GIRL, LET’S VIOLATE SOCIAL DISTANCING STANDARDS” might walk through the door a little later. They should take the best player available and that’s probably Brown, who plays a premium position and fits the “disruptive, scary elephant on skates, Kinlaw” mold. He could make a good unit great. 16. Atlanta Falcons- C.J. Henderson, CB, Florida Diddy is running out of steam and has used so many words already. I’d say if you play Drew Brees, Tom Brady and Teddy Bridgewater twice each in your division, you might want, like, dudes that can cover. Henderson is a big, physical DB that would instantly be the best guy in Atlanta’s secondary. 17. Dallas Cowboys- Trevon Diggs, CB, Alabama They could use help at WR, TE or at DE, but CB is also a need and Diggs is the best guy on the board that fits a need. Now, he played some offense early at Alabama, then transitioned solely to defense as a backup, then missed half a year with injury and finally got in a full season in 2019. So, he needs to ripen into a finished product. He’s like a green nanner. Just stick him in a bag next to the microwave and he’ll be ready to make pudding or go on your cornflakes before you know it. No clue what that means, but he’s a big, physical corner with good ball skills that often converts turnovers into touchdowns. 18. Miami Dolphins- Joshua Jones, OT, Houston Now that “Project: Let’s Suck for a Year” has ended, Miami can start plugging holes with all the tasty draft booty they accumulated. Given that Julie’n Davenport and Jesse Davis are slated to man the two offensive tackle spots, drafting someone not named Julie’n Davenport or Jesse Davis to play tackle seems like a sound move. Jones is a bit of a “nanner in a bag” prospect that needs to improve his technique and footwork, but he’s got the size and athletic talent to develop into a really good player. 19. Las Vegas Raiders- Patrick Queen, LB, LSU “I tell ya what man, I’m a big fan of Queen. I watch this guy play, and there’s all kind of Galileo’s and Bismillahs and fat bottom girls flying around the huddle, man. He’s a killer queen. He will rock you and he’ll make those stomps and claps and stuff like they do in the song. My other favorite queen was Marie Antoinette. She had all that cake, man. I love German Chocolate Cake. The Germans, man, they just do their own thing with chocolate and cake and coconuts. I’ve never heard of a German palm tree, man. The thing about the Germans is David Hasselhoff knocked down the wall and made them free, man. They had a queen who didn’t give them any cake. It’s crazy, man.” Good talk, coach. 20. Jacksonville Jaguars- A.J. Terrell, CB, Clemson Having plugged a big hole up front with their first pick, the Jaguars can take to patching up a leaky back end (NOTE: “Leaky back end” just made me laugh because despite all the physical evidence to the contrary, I am five). He has the build you look for in a modern corner at 6’1, with long arms. He’s an excellent athlete (ran a 4.4 at the combine) who can mirror and stick with most any receiver and didn’t get challenged a whole lot. This magazine says he has “thin lowers” which gets you punched in the face where I’m from…I’ve read further and they mean “stick legs” I think. Obviously didn’t have a great performance in the national title game against LSU, but very few corners looked against them this past year and no one does when a QB can stand in the pocket forever. Room for improvement but he’s competitive and talented and can grow into a nice starter for the Jags. 21. Philadelphia Eagles- Justin Jefferson, WR, LSU Last year, the Eagles receivers fit into the categories “old,” “injured” and “why are you paying this person.” Getting viable targets for Carson Wentz has to be the absolute top priority and a great one falls into their laps at number 21. Jefferson has good size and speed and holy crap was he productive last year, catching 111 balls for 1,540 yards and 18 touchdowns. He has good hands, runs good routes, fights for the ball in traffic and has a mammoth catch radius. Any WR from a wide open, slapnuts, spread system will have to adjust to the pro game, but I don’t think that’ll be much of an issue. He walks in as a starter, in my opinion. 22. Minnesota Vikings- Kristian Fulton, CB, LSU Following the departure of (checks notes) everyone in their secondary, the Vikings need to grab some back end help. Fulton did get in trouble for falsifying a drug test in school, but the Vikings once employed a player who had, um, a plastic ding-a-ling full of freeze-dried pee pee to pass a drug test, so I don’t think this will be an issue. In his defense he was a young kid then and has done great since. Good size, good athletic ability and allowed only a 40 percent completion rate the past two years. He’s still a work-in-progress who needs to work on some things (tackling, sticking with good route runners), but the talent is definitely there. 23. New England Patriots- Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State The flat-balled, practice-taping, soulless hoodie-wearing serpent of Foxboro is in the odd position of having A LOT of holes to fill. That Brady guy left, which would seem to create a dire need, given the whole greatest of all-time,, six Super Bowl wins status he attained. Maybe they go Jordan Love here, but I’m not feeling that (given how quarterbacks get pushed up the board, he might be gone by this time anyway). They really need to give whoever ends up playing QB some help in the form of WRs and TEs that aren’t old, elfin or generally ineffective. They could use a LB or safety too, but I say they address a pressing need for a pass rusher. In addition to having an awesome name, Gross-Metos would bring some big-time juice to the edge. He had 9.5 sacks last year and 15 TFLs. He’s quick into the backfield and obviously knows what to do when he gets there. He’s a bit spindly (Spindly sounds like the forgotten, somewhat underfed, eighth dwarf. Unrelated, with everyone in quarantine and lockdown now, do you think all the other dwarfs try to avoid Sneezy? And is he like “Come on guys, I’ve been sneezing for like 100 years. I don’t have ‘Rona.” And they’re like “I don’t know dude, you better go see Doc just in case” and he’s like “Doc isn’t actually a doctor you dickweed, it’s a nickname.” Anybody else think that? Just me?) but when he fully fills out he should be a monster. 24. New Orleans Saints- Tee Higgins, WR, Clemson The Saints obviously have one of, if not the, best WR in football in Michael Thomas who set a new NFL record with 149 receptions last year. Their next leading receiver was a running back, then a tight end (that caught 106 fewer passes than Thomas), then receiver Ted Ginn Jr. (119 fewer catches than Thomas), then a back-up running back, then a back-up TE, then A DADGUM QB and then another WR. To get the most out of Drew Brees in his waning years, the team has to give him more than one WR, a running back and a bunch of Who-ey WhoTheHells to throw to. I’ve seen some scouts opine “well Higgins only ran a 4.58 and not 4.51.” Like seven one-hundredths of a second is a thing you can discern with your own eyes. Higgins goes 6’4 and 216 pounds, is plenty fast enough, and has freaky, video game body control, particularly in the air. You don’t throw up 50-50 balls to him, they’re about 70-30 balls, because he almost always wins. Playing not much over half of Clemson’s snaps because of lopsided scores, he still had 1,100 yards and scored a touchdown every fifth time he touched the ball on average. You might could argue he’s a duplication of Thomas and I’ll argue that ain’t a bad thing at all. 25. Minnesota Vikings- Jordan Love, QB, Utah State OH NO HE DIDN’T!!! OH YES HE DID!!!! SAY WHAT SAY WHAT?!?! Look, this probably won’t happen, but I figure Love is going in the first round somewhere. Kirk Cousins just signed an extension, but it’s not super long-term, the team may want another option at some point and needs a young QB to start grooming, so for our fun purposes here we’ll say they bypass more urgent needs and take Love. On top of being named like an early ‘90s R&B star, one who alternately sings of wanting to love you tenderly for the duration of the evening and wishing to see you “Bounce that Donk” on the dance floor, he has excellent size (6’4, 224), athletic ability and plus arm talent (aside: remember when we said stuff like “he can really fling it” instead of “plus arm talent?). The 2018 version of Love (3,600 yards, 32 touchdown passes, only six picks and a 64 percent completion rate) would’ve gone way higher than this. Alas, 2019 does count and his completion percentage and yardage dropped, he threw just 20 touchdowns and an FBS-worst 17 interceptions. The talent around him wasn’t as good, Utah State was often outmanned and he suffered as a result. Lotta bad decisions, lotta indecision and his mechanics regressed. He isn’t ready now, but has the talent to maybe lead a team down the line. He could be Patrick Mahomes 2.0 or Jameis Winston’s more likable doppelganger. Who knows? 26. Miami Dolphins- D’Andre Swift, RB, Georgia How apt to have a RB named “Swift.” That’s like having a QB named Thrower McStrongArm, or an OL named “Bigboy O’Blocksgood” or a long snapper named “Snappy Snap Snap.” Those are all common names, right? Anyway, he’s compact, powerful, swift, productive and will combine with Jordan Howard to give Miami a potent 1-2 punch at RB. 27. Seattle Seahawks- Austin Jackson, OL, Southern Cal Have I brought up the whole “your QB getting B-slapped regularly impedes offensive production” thing? Russell Wilson is a borderline magician, but even he needs better protection that he’s been provided with. Jackson isn’t a polished, finished product but at 6’5, 322 he ran under a 5.1 at the combine and has the power/quick feet combo teams covet in a left tackle. 28. Baltimore Ravens- Kenneth Murray, LB, Oklahoma In the playoff loss to the Titans, Baltimore’s linebackers didn’t look like a matador waving a cape at a bull as much as they did a frail, aging matador on crutches, waving a cape at a bull made of cannonballs and barbed wire with pistols in its horns like the one on that Bugs Bunny cartoon. Murray goes near 245, flies all over the field, averaged nearly 15 tackles-a-game and shores up a serious weak spot. 29. Tennessee Titans- A.J. Epenesa, DL, Iowa This selection will make NFL history as it marks the first time two guys named “A.J.” have been taken in the first round. (Clemson’s A.J. Terrell being the other). I completely made that up, but it’s not like you’re gonna check. With Jurrell Casey surprisingly being traded for, like, a pack of Twizzlers and a coupon for potted meat, the Titans have a huge need on the DL. Epenesa is a high-effort guy, he’s versatile (was also a big-time basketball player and track-and-field guy in high school) and had 11.5 sacks last year. Perfect size at 6’5, 275 to play Casey’s old end spot in the 3-4. 30. Green Bay Packers- Laviska Shenault Jr., WR, Colorado His nickname is apparently “2 Live” so I’m tempted to say Green Bay fans will love him long time but that’s too obvious and I’m better than that (I’m clearly not since I did it anyway). Aaron Rodgers doesn’t just make chicken salad out of chicken crap, he makes filet mignon and succulent lobster tails out of horse hair and moldy biscuits. To get the most out of his final years he needs more talent to work with. Shenault’s numbers dipped some last year from a breakout 2018, but he’s probably the strongest WR available this year, he scored 17 TDs the past two years (including seven on the ground, so you can use him a lot of ways), he gives Rodgers a big target and, from what I’ve read, he persevered through a lot of personal tragedy. So he’s mentally strong and mature, two more great traits to bring to the table. 31. San Francisco 49ers- Jaylon Johnson, CB, Utah I’m tempted to put Ross Blacklock here to replace DeForest Buckner and offensive line help is needed (maybe Cesar Ruiz is the pick) , but Richard Sherman will be 32 this year and Emmaneul Moseley kinda came out of nowhere last year and you wonder if he can repeat his solid 2019. So corner it is. Johnson is a physical, long press corner with a lot of upside. I’ve pretty well shot my limit on poop jokes and old rap lyrics, so if you think of something funny to say about a cornerback from Utah, hit me up on Twitter @CNR_Sports. 32. Kansas City Chiefs- Damon Arnette, CB, Ohio State Jonathan Taylor is also a consideration here as a RB would give Andy Reid another play purty (something an old lady from my childhood called toys) on offense, but the cornerback room for the Chiefs at this point is just some guy named Chet, sweeping up the floors while barking out stuff like “Don’t bring that weak mess to my side of the field” reliving the childhood dreams of NFL fame cut short by an unfortunate and ill-conceived dare to run naked through a revolving door. I’m not making sense at this point, am I? Arnette doesn’t have tremendous deep speed but he’s strong, has prototypical size and played well the past two years.
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November 2021
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