Apparently, the message I tried so hard to impart didn't sink in last week.
Last Tuesday, it got really cold and sleeted and everyone lost their minds. It is somewhat understandable, since it made for treacherous roads, affected school and work schedules and because this is South Carolina, where such stuff doesn't happen very often. There are things about winter weather I don't understand, though. I still don't get the rush to buy bread and milk, since both are highly perishable items. If you're going to be stuck inside, you need jerky and bourbon, which both keep, basically, forever. I've given up on trying to make that argument, though, since no one seems to heed my advice. Earlier today, the textbook definition of "a dusting of snow" fell across the upstate. In some counties they cancelled school, even though none of what fell actually stuck to the roads or impeded life in any way at all. Maybe they are afraid roaming packs of dangerous teens were going to attack people with snowballs or something. Anyway, I made the mistake of cutting on the local news this morning and it was wall-to-wall snow coverage. They both create and feed the snow hysteria to the absolute max...probably because it works. People take the bait and watch. They actually started the news an hour early to allow more time to detail and document 'THE FLURRY OF '15!" that was dumping almost an inch of white stuff in people's yards. The following is a retelling of what I seem to remember from that newscast...with some embellishment for comedic purposes and some variances from my normal ration of poor memorization. "A train-load of nitroglycerin has derailed right next to a place selling canisters of propane in the middle of the city right next to a busy playground, but we'll have to get to that later because IT'S SNOWING. Good morning, I'm Biff Doofington." "And I'm Abigail Barbieface. Our stop story, of course, is the resignation of a local mayor who was caught was an eight-ball the size of a Volvo, guns and prostitutes in a stolen Army tank that was driving down Main Street firing its gun as passers-by...I'm sorry, that was the top story right up until IT STARTED SNOWING! Let's go to Dip McGuirt in the weather center. What can you tell us Dip?" "Well Abigail, IT'S SNOWING! We want to urge everyone watching to panic and behave irrationally. This is not a drill. There is actual, real frozen stuff falling from the sky. Anyone who preps for the apocalypse should head into their bunker now with their survival seeds. Above all else, people should stay inside. Do not attempt to make contact with the snow. Snow should be considered armed and extremely dangerous." "Dip, this is Biff. How much of this deadly substance are we expected to be subjected to?" "Great question. According to the Doppler 12,000, as much as an inch could fall in some places. That is enough to make your yard turn a scary shade of white. Also, the road might be damp. So, you know, a damp road is the Devil's playground. Only emergency personnel should be on the roads now unless you're like that mayor that stole an Army tank. I'd think those big treads could safely navigate a mildly wet street. Otherwise, stay in the house and continue watching as we scare the living crap out of you." "That's a good idea, Dip. What about animals and plants? Are they safe in the face of this ivory menace?" "No Abigail. If a plant or your dog is outside right now, they will come in contact with the snow. Um, I don't know what that would actually do, but it sounds like something to be avoided. A dog, if he has snow on him and comes inside, I do know that it will melt and make puddles and if you think a damp road is dangerous, just wait until there is moisture on your linoleum. It's a recipe for slippage and wet socks and that is a risk you cannot afford to take. Especially if you're old or something." "What else can you tell us Dip?" "Well Biff, this is a little known fact, but frozen water is slickity. I don't know if that's a real word or not, but it conveys the message I'm trying to send. Maybe there's a better word but I like slickity. Frozen water makes you fall down is the point. Really. Not only is frozen water cold, but it is hard to stand on in a secure manner." "Wow. I didn't know that. You know, I once fell on my front steps when it was cold and icy. I didn't know what happened. I figured I must've tripped or perhaps stepped on my shoelace. You're saying it may have been as a result of reduced traction caused by ice?" "That is a very likely scenario, Abigail. It's real slippy. That's the word I was looking for. Yeah. Slippy...that's what ice is." "OK, we'll check back with Biff for the latest updates in just a minute, but right now let's go to reporter Blondie McGee who is standing outside. Blondie, it's very brave of you to stand in the snow to show the people at home how incredibly dangerous and frightening the conditions are." "It sure is Biff, but 'danger' is my middle name. It really is. My parents were really weird. My brother's middle name is 'ukulele.' Anyway, I can tell you that white frozen water is coming out of the sky. It's like scary black magic or something...or white magic I suppose. This stuff is white. As you can see, it is landing on the ground and staying there in some places and the road does appear damp. People are driving on the road right now. Perhaps they are fleeing the area because they fear for their safety in the face of this horrible catastrophe. I say they must all have a crazy death wish. Do they not realize the road is damp? It's a scary scene out here. I actually talked to some experts...they say this frozen, white stuff will likely stay on the ground until the sun comes out or the temperature gets above 32 degrees. That isn't expected to happen until sometime after lunch, so a lot of anxious hours of terror and heartbreak are in store for us Biff." "That they are Blondie. I wish I'd worn a diaper this morning myself. Thankfully this desk shields my lower half from the view of the cameras. And hey, you be careful out there. Dip says it's real slippy, which is a fancified meteorological term meaning 'you might fall down.' We'll check back with you shortly, provided of course that the white plague hasn't swallowed you whole by that time. Coming up, we're going to go live to roving reporter Bucky Butters, who is at a grocery store where people are apparently buying large quantities of bread and milk, hoping to taste those sweet dietary staples one last time before the snow flash freezes this entire area, killing us all. We'll also have more with Dip in the weather center, right after this commercial break." Now I see that we've got more snow in the forecast for later this week...YAY!
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November 2021
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