“So, you’re from Mullins?” someone asked me last week as I walked my dogs on the beach.
It was a logical assumption for someone to make. After all, I was wearing a Mullins Auctioneers t-shirt. “Nope. Only been there once in my whole life…and that was to buy this t-shirt,” I said. Back in 2007, my friend, occasional BLAWGer and fellow purveyor of radio tomfoolery Jed Blackwell and I were driving to Myrtle Beach for my bachelor party. It was a wild weekend I tell you…three days of making sandcastles, auditing a class on Ecclesiastes and (don’t tell anyone) splitting one boysenberry wine cooler. SO NAUGHTY! Anyway, being ardent high school fans, he and I both have a deep appreciation not only for the coaches and players who make the sport one of our state’s most treasured pastimes, but also for every residual aspect of the game. We spent the majority of several work days once going through the old South Carolina Helmet Project, deciding which Palmetto State schools had the best and also ugliest helmets. If you’ve ever seen either of us in person, you’ll understand that observing how the insignia on Pelion’s helmet looks like the result of a water faucet and eagle’s claw having a baby is the closest thing we have to “fashion sense.” But I digress. The two of us had long-since come to the mutual agreement that the “Mullins Auctioneers,” was the best, most original, most distinctive mascot in our state, so we made a stop on the way to the beach to buy Auctioneers shirts and hats (which I obviously still have and wear). In a sea of off-brand jungle and mountain cats (Panthers, Wildcats etc.), dudes who are ready to whip somebody’s butt (Trojans, Vikings, Braves, Warriors et al), dogs, devils of varying hue and things with stingers (Yellow Jackets and Hornets), the image of a fast-talking gentleman who sells merchandise (specifically tobacco in the case of Mullins) stands out. Even if a school has a mascot unto itself in our state (I think Chester is the only SCHSL school using “Cyclones” and Walhalla is the only “Razorbacks” that I know of) it is still usually fairly common nationally. There’s plenty of teams called “Cyclones” and “Razorbacks.” Now, if it was the Chester Psycho Wind Swirls or the Walhalla Big, Fat Feral Pigs with Tusks, then this column would be about how Chester and Walhalla set the bar for amazing mascot names, but that isn’t the case. Auctioneers is the standard-bearer. I don’t know of any other team that uses that moniker…because you usually want to go with something fearsome and intimidating and a guy at a lectern semi-yodeling “twenty dollar bid, twenty dollar bid, do I have thirty?” doesn’t fit the “ooh I’m scared of that” template. It also comes as close as any mascot can to capturing the history and daily life of a community, given the area’s roots where cropping and selling tobacco is concerned. It’s perfect and it wins…but it isn’t alone. With high school football practice four days away as of this writing, now seems like as good a time as any to compile a big, dumb list. So here it is…the top South Carolina high school mascots. This started out as a top 10 list, but there are 12 that I consider worthy of mention here. The criteria includes originality…um, and stuff I think is awesome, basically. There may be some rockin’ SCISA nicknames for all I know, but I’m not well-versed in those, these are all SCHSL-participating schools. Where appropriate, I’ll also make some suggestions on how an already-good mascot name could be made even better…or how it could be ruined or turned into something only I find funny. 12. Timmonsville Whirlwinds- It’s not unusual for teams to utilize a weather phenomenon (see Cyclones and Hurricanes) as a mascot. I like Whirlwinds because it can either be a “dangerous column of air moving around and around in a cyclonic or funnel shape” or “an energetic or tumultuous person.” Either is evocative and suitable for athletics. It’s somewhat uncommon for mascot purposes and it sounds sort of Southern and old-timey, like something my grandma would have said (the same one who would tell me that “the dooflatchy” was broken…which could have been anything from her TV to the fuel pump in her Chrysler). It has some Biblical background and Johnny Cash sang about one, so probably you should not quibble with me on this. Suggested upgrade- The “Bad Clouds” would be an epic mascot. It’s super southern, original and scary. Awful idea- I toyed with the notion of someone using “Drought” as a mascot, but what would you have standing on the sidelines? Somebody dressed like a withered corn stalk? “Dry ‘em up, dry ‘em up,” and “D-R-O-U-G-H-T, you ain’t got utilities” wouldn’t be very effective cheerleader chants either. 11. St. James Sharks- This mascot wouldn’t make sense for every school in the state. The Union County Sharks wouldn’t work because their ain’t no great whites swimming in Tinker’s Creek, Hoss. You might find Great White in the tape deck of a rusted-out Malibu in Lukesville, but that’s beside the point. St. James is six or so miles from the Atlantic ocean, which does contain sharks (I have proof), it’s not an oft-used mascot, sharks are frightening sea beasts, they’re sleek, an animated one could apparently win Olympic Gold…it’s a perfect fit. Suggested upgrade- Being more specific (the Hammerheads) would be a bit more colorful. Awful Idea- St. James Jaws sounds awesome and is alliterative (meaning it has lots of the J) but is also begging for a copyright infringement lawsuit. Oh well. 10. Ware Shoals Purple Hornets- I mentioned earlier that winged, stingy things are a bit overplayed and they are, but the descriptor “purple” makes all the difference here. I don’t know of another team going by this name anywhere. There’s a certain wacky factor at play, since I’ve seen and encountered every manner of dirt dobber, bee, wasp and hornet imaginable and have never seen one that was actually purple. In fact, if you Google “purple hornet” you won’t get anything on armed insects…you will in fact get thousands of results dealing with sea coral. Does anyone in Ware Shoals, Tumbling Shoals or Ware Place know their mascot is actually sea coral? I sure didn’t. Is there sea coral in the Saluda River? It doesn’t really matter. Anybody who shoots an actual friggin’ cannon at their football games and serves delicious BBQ nachos in their concession stand is OK in my book. Suggested upgrade- The ‘Skeeters. Someone name your team the ‘Skeeters and I’m a fan for life. Awful idea- Dirt Dobbers or Sea Coral. 9. St. John’s Islanders- Other than the NHL franchise in New York, I don’t know of many teams using this’n. Jed pointed out that they and the Aucs are about the only human mascots in our state that aren’t hostile and ready for battle or plunder, which earns bonus points. Islanders is actually sort of plain and to the point…we live on an island, so we’ll just call ourselves that. I dig it, though. We don’t need fancified sea coral and whatnot, we’ll just be what we are and that’s that Broham. It would be like Landrum dropping “Cardinals” and going with “Hill Folk” or Columbia High becoming “The Sandhillians” which would actually involve creating a new word, now that I think about it. Also, The Islanders was the name of a former WWF tag team, earning additional bonus points. Suggested upgrade- The Angel Oaks would be an amazing name. When you have one of the oldest living things on the planet on your island, that deserves to be emblazoned on a helmet and possibly a water tower, I think. Awful idea- You know, Purple Hornets would actually be more appropriate here than in Ware Shoals since we now know the dirty coral secret… 8. Eau Claire Shamrocks- I have no idea how Eau Claire became the Shamrocks. I don’t know that many low-growing, three-lobed, clover-like plants grow near the school. Were there a lot of Irish settlers in the area at one point? Can’t help you there, Jabo. I do know that plant-life is way underrepresented where mascots are concerned. That and the scarcity of other teams called “Shamrocks” make it stand out. Suggested upgrade- Kudzu? Shouldn’t someone in our state call themselves the kudzu? Awful idea- I love honeysuckle…we have it in abundance and the aroma of it wafting on the thick, summertime air is one of the best smells I know of…but would you want “suck” right in the middle of your name? 7. Traveler’s Rest Devil Dogs- If you need me to explain why this is epic and among the best there is, kindly stop reading now. 6. Charleston Charter School for Social Studies and Automotive Repair Riptide- I always forget the school’s actual name (I don’t think “automotive repair” is actually in there), but I never forget the “Riptide” mascot. Is it alluding to the powerful ocean current that can lay waste to swimmers and boats, or the 80s TV detective show starring Joe Penny and Thom Bray? Either way, it’s a dadgum winner, people. Very rare, very colorful, conveys power and there were pretty girls and helicopters in the opening sequence... Suggested upgrade- If we’re going with 80s TV shows, what would be more awesome than the Macgyvers? Nothing. The answer is nothing. Nobody in their right mind would screw with the MacGyvers. Awful idea- The Danny Tanners. 5. Bethune-Bowman Mohawks- There is a Native-American tribe with this name, but I can’t find where they are indigenous to South Carolina. So clearly, this nickname is an homage to Mr. T’s haircut. Regular readers of this BLAWG know I already call Bethune-Bowman “The Mr. T haircuts” and I pretty much dare you to say otherwise to Mr. T’s face. Suggested upgrade- Since we’re already delving into 80s TV and Mr. T, The Hannibals wouldn’t be bad. Awful idea- Hannibals, now that I really think about it. 4. Fox Creek Predators- As long as the name isn’t a reference to that list the state has on that website, this is among the best mascots South Carolina athletics has to offer. As already discussed, most mascot names fall into a couple of generic groups…they are usually some type of animal, or varying types of war-like people. Fox Creek bucked that trend, and the obvious trapping of being lazy and going with the Foxes. Predator can be viewed in one of a few different ways. It’s either a mindset…one of strength that preys on the weak which is flat-out out gold when you are talking about the fields of athletic battle…or it’s one of the most badass movies in the history of ever. I regularly refer to this team as “The AHNOLDS” so you can probably figure out which of the two I think it is. In either case, this mascot veers from the ordinary and breaks the mold. Bravo, Fox Creek. Suggested upgrades- Commando was an awesome AHNOLD movie too, but if you go with “Commandos” are people think your team isn’t wearing underpants? They might. Awful idea- The “Kindergarten Cops” would not frighten opponents and was frankly a sucky movie. 3. Lake Wild Gators- I think we can all agree that this fits into the Ware Shoals category where an adjective makes all the difference. Just going with “Gators” would be fairly meh and run-of-the-mill. It’s the inclusion of “Wild” that sets Lake View apart. Wild can mean uninhibited and unpredictable and if you put those attributes in a vicious animal that can swallow people whole, you’ve got some pretty frightening imagery. Wild can also apply to that girl you went to school with…you know the one…started smoking when she was 12…disappeared for a long stretch of that field trip to Washington DC… I don’t think they mean “that” kind of wild in this case. Suggested upgrade- None. Awful idea- Somebody could try to be offbeat and really different and be the Disgruntled Ferrets or the Psychotic Opossums but I don’t think the world is ready for that. 2. Barnwell War Horses- Just going by “The Horses” would a tremendous mascot change-up. It would be a rare name and one that invokes images of both power and grace, beauty and danger. But Barnwell was all like “nah y’all, watch this” then went and upped their game with War Horses. A War Horse, literally, is a horse ridden into battle (back when people rode horses into battle), but it can also mean “a soldier, politician or sports figure who has fought many contests.” So, it’s a grizzled warrior, tough, always up for the fight…and if you live to fight many contests, it’s because you’ve won all your previous ones. You’re a winner. You’re calling yourself a big, brave winner with hooves. Hubris? Maybe. Wonderous in every way? Yep. Suggested upgrade- I guess you could just come right out and call yourself “The Winners.” Awful idea- Show horses wouldn’t pack quite the same gritty punch. 1. Mullins Auctioneers- See above. Berkeley Stags gets an honorable mention…they actually probably should be on the list but I didn’t think about them until now and you’re probably tired of reading this already and OH WELL SORRY STAGS! That’s it, my list of the state’s most awesomely named high school mascots. Did I leave anyone out? Were any of my awful ideas actually good? Comments, critique and general feedback can be left in the comment section or you can tweet it at me at @CNR_Sports.
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November 2021
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